Our Story, Our Conclusion, Our Hope (A Mother's Love)

"I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in you inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith.  And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all of God's people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge - that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God."


Ephesians 3:16-19

I would imagine that the love a mother (or father) feels for her child probably comes closer than any other natural love to that which God has for us.  When our children hurt, we hurt with them.  When they cry, we often cry with them. We empathize deeply with their pain and would do anything to take it from them or even take their place if we could. Regardless of our children's imperfections and shortcomings, and even when they are responsible for bringing about their own set of consequences, we still want to see them fully restored in every way.

I wonder what it would look like and how different things would be in this world if we all loved one another in the same way that we love our own children?  If we could take this instinctive motherly love and offer it toward each and every person out there, I think this world would come much closer to looking like the world God intended, even in the midst of its present brokenness.  

On the flip side, if we could fully grasp and comprehend the extent of the love that God has for us, and if we could fully trust in this perfect love, it would be much easier to walk through the fiery trials of this life.  If only we could truly
comprehend the depth of this love God has for us and feel the great compassion He feels for us in our times of suffering, it would be much easier to trust in the outcome. But unfortunately, this is often much easier said than done.

Within just a few hours of finding Barret in a coma on the floor of his bedroom, and receiving the news of another chronic, auto-immune diagnosis for one of my children, I made the long drive to Children's Hospital in Birmingham where all of this had begun more than 10 years earlier with Kaylee.  Although I knew that none of this had caught God by surprise, I was completely blindsided by this diagnosis.  The truth was, I was fortunate that Barret was still alive.  Yet, at this time, I did not know whether or not he would have any permanent damage to his brain. I knew that his life was about to change drastically either way. The weight of all of this made this drive extremely heart-wrenching for me. 

School had just let out and our summer vacation had just begun.  This had certainly not been in my plans for our summer break, much less for Barret's life.  I was completely devastated.

I knew that the way I was feeling probably wasn't helping me to be able to receive any comfort from God, but in that moment, I think I was feeling a little hurt with Him. I just couldn't understand. Although I wouldn't want this diagnosis for any one of my children, Barret was already struggling in so many areas of his life.  Just as Kaylee had always struggled with various learning disabilities, Barret was my other child who struggled in this area as well.  In fact, his struggles were far worse than Kaylee's had been. It just didn't seem fair for this to be added along with everything else. More than anything else, my heart was hurting for my son.  It seems that in moments like this, I find myself the weakest.      

When I finally arrived in Birmingham, Barret was still unconscious and we still knew very little about the condition he would be in once he awoke.  Even so, it was still a relief to be there with him again.  At this point, all we could do was wait for him to wake up. 

One of the rules in PICU (Pediatric Intensive Care Unit) was that we were not allowed to sleep while at the bedside of a patient, so as the night progressed, knowing that I had a big day ahead of me, I decided to go out into the waiting room to try and get a little sleep.  Fortunately, my sister-in-law (Kelly) was there with me and she agreed to stay there with Barret that first night. She prayed over him, talked to him, and even sang to him throughout the night. It was such a blessing! Even though he did not open his eyes, and he appeared to be unconscious, he still remembers much of this.

One of my most vivid memories of this first night was when I made my way through PICU and out into the waiting area.  I remember glancing at each child as I passed by. Most of these children were much younger than Barret, and some of them, clearly much worse off. There was an overwhelming sense of grief in that place that cannot be put into words, and while Barret was pretty bad off himself, seeing these children helped put things into perspective. It could be so much worse.  It was possible that some of these children might never recover enough to live a normal life. Some might not ever leave that hospital.  

I remembered having these exact feelings shortly after Kaylee had received her diagnosis. It is always easy in those situations to find someone who is worse off.  And while seeing this helped me to be thankful that Barret's condition was at least treatable, it was heartbreaking for me to see what these other parents were experiencing.  It was an overwhelming reminder of the calling I had felt on my life following Kaylee's healing. It was a reminder of the injustice in this world.  


Out in the waiting room, I found myself surrounded by more weary parents (or close friends and relatives), some of whom had clearly been there for quite some time.  As I looked around, that calling pierced my heart again.  I wanted to share with each one of them the hope of Kaylee's story.  I wanted them to know that God was hurting with them.  I wanted to tell them to never give up or stop praying for their children's recovery! I wanted them to be assured that God was on their side!  I couldn't bear the thought of any one of them believing that God was somehow behind this.  Yet, at the same time, I was still feeling hurt with God for allowing this disease in Barret's life. Clearly my thoughts were not lining up with all that God had taught me throughout the time of Kaylee's healing. I knew in my head that God loved Barret more than I did and that I could trust Him concerning his life, so why was I being so double-minded?

I suppose it all comes down to those words of comfort that many people offer during times such as this: "God is in control", and what this really means. There was a point in my life when I took this to mean that if someone became sick, that was obviously God's plan and will for their life. If God was "in control", everything always went according to His perfect plan. This way of thinking gave me a sense of security, but at the same time, it made me weak and ineffective in my prayer life. 

Yet, throughout my struggle with Kaylee's disease, I had come to understand that we do have an enemy in this world who is hard at work, seeking to devour and destroy God's children in any way he can.  His goal is to derail and completely shut down God's greater purpose for our lives.  Our enemy, Satan, is able to work, and even have small victories, through the sins of a fallen world. Although God is ultimately sovereign over all, and He can take the evil of this world and work it for good, I believe it is critical that we recognize this distinction.  If Satan can cause us to confuse his evil tactics, or the consequences of a sinful, fallen world, with God's will, we become complacent, passive and weak.  We have to remember that we are in an on-going battle to bring God's perfect will down to earth.  It's not a given...

In Ephesians, chapter 6, we are told that when the day of evil comes, we must be able to stand our ground.  We are told to stand firm against the devil's schemes. We are told to pick up our swords (the word of God) and to pray on all occasions. Many things happen in this fallen world that are outside of God's will.  Simply put, sin is never His will, and it is looming all around us as well as within us.  Because of this, we will continue to suffer the consequences of sin while here on earth. It is so important, not only for us as Christians, but even more so for the lost, that we do not blame God or connect the evil of this world with Him.  We don't want to misrepresent the character of our loving, compassionate, perfect Heavenly Father to the lost world.  Not only is he not behind or "controlling" the evil of this world, He hates it.  I recently heard a pastor put it this way: "God allows adversity, but he is not the author of evil."  Because God sees things that we cannot see and knows things we do not know, we have to trust that He is sovereign, keeping it under His control and working it for good.  

As with many things, the issue of God's control is simply beyond our ability to fully grasp or understand. This is why it is so important that we trust Him with all of our hearts, even in those dark times that we do not understand. This is why it is critical that we seek Him and pray without ceasing when the day of evil comes. Looking back, the truth was, although I do not believe that Kaylee's disease was God's will for her life, and I know that God called me to stand firm against it, God had been able to use it and to work it all for good in the end.  My children have all been forever changed by witnessing and playing an active role in the miracle of her healing. As crazy as it may sound, I simply couldn't imagine what our lives would have been if Kaylee had not become sick. 

So while I knew all of this in the back of my head, and I knew I needed to trust God concerning Barret's life, in the hours following his diagnosis, I was having a very hard time getting my thoughts to line back up with all that God had shown me. Because of this, I was feeling extremely weak and fearful.

By early the next morning, Barret had finally awoken and was able to answer several questions with ease.  In fact, the look of annoyance on his face, as these questions were being asked, assured me that his mind was going to be just fine.  I could almost hear what he must have been thinking (and he later confirmed this to me):

"Seriously? I am laying here with tubes coming out of me, a giant diaper, and dying of thirst, and you are asking me these ridiculous questions?"  

Hearing Barret's account of this story is really quite humorous.  I am so thankful that God spared, not only his life, but his mind and great sense of humor as well. 

My mind was put to ease once I knew he was going to be okay.  But now we were faced with the temporary issue of his overwhelming thirst.  For whatever reason, they did not want him to have anything to drink right after he awoke.  So as he laid there desperately begging me to get him something to drink, I had to tell him to hold on.  I tried to assure him that it wouldn't be that long before his thirst would be quenched, but he really just couldn't get it.  I don't even remember how long it was, but it felt like an eternity. It was heartbreaking, especially after everything he had already been though, to have to see him suffer even more. 

Thinking back, I believe this is a perfect example of how God often feels toward us in our times of suffering. He desperately wants to assure us that help is on the way, but it's just not what is best for us at that time.  While I was hurting so deeply for Barret throughout this time when he simply could not understand what was happening to him, I am completely confident that God was feeling the exact same way toward me. 

Eventually we were able to give him some juice, and later that same day, Barret was moved to a private room. At this point, I felt it was a good time to sit down and really explain to him about his diagnosis and what it meant.  This was a very difficult moment for me, as I tried to hold back the tears.  I had to tell him that he wasn't going to get "better" and that although he would be feeling much better very soon, his life was about to change drastically. I didn't even fully understand what all this was going to entail just yet, but I knew it was not going to be an easy transition.

Interestingly, Barret reminded me of something that had happened two days before his coma.  He and I had been at the grocery store together when a young girl in line in front of us nearly passed out.  Her mother had to catch her and apologized to us all as the line was held up while they went to find her something to drink.  I hadn't even caught that she had diabetes, but Barret had.  In fact, Barret had taken all of this in, and I am sure that it was no accident that we were at that place, in that line, at that exact moment.  Although I felt grieved when he reminded me of this, envisioning his future, I think it was very timely for him to see and understand the seriousness of what we were facing.  

Yet although Barret clearly understood the seriousness of his diagnosis, he did not take this news the way I had anticipated at all.  In fact, I will never forget the first words out of his mouth: "So how long do you think it will take for God to heal me?"

I didn't know how to respond to this question. Admittedly, it completely caught me off guard. I knew that I had to be very careful not to say anything that might hinder the pure, child-like faith that I saw in him in that moment. There was simply no doubt in his mind.  After all, he had just witnessed God heal his sister.  I had been very open with my children about everything God had shown me throughout that time concerning disease. In his mind, it wasn't a matter of if God would heal him, it was a matter of when. He did not see this disease the way everyone else was seeing it, as something permanent for his life.   

So while you might think that his positive outlook on this new diagnosis would have encouraged and strengthened me, it did the exact opposite.  It made me even more fearful. When all the visitors left for the night, and it was just Barret and I left in the room, it was all I could do to keep from breaking down. I knew I couldn't cry in front of him.  I couldn't let him see the fear that was starting to take over my mind. I was overwhelmed, not only by the seriousness of this disease, but by the way I knew it would be perceived by others.  Who was going to stand with me to believe for a healing from type one diabetes?  It had been difficult enough to rally people to fight the enemy over Kaylee's disease. Barret was expecting to be healed, and suddenly I was grieving more over what might happen to his faith if he never received this healing, than I was over the disease itself.

At one point, after he had dosed off, I went to the bathroom so that he could not see me and crumbled to the floor in tears.  It was the first good cry I'd had since finding him. I couldn't really pull my thoughts together, and perhaps because I was also exhausted, I didn't even know how to pray. On the one hand, I felt guilty for being so broken over Barret's diagnosis when there were children much worse off than he was in that hospital.  On the other hand, I knew that I couldn't accept this disease as God's will or plan for his life after everything God had shown me.  I felt so incredibly weak.      

And then it began...   One by one, people came into our room with positive stories to encourage us about people living with this disease.  It started with the diabetic trainers, who came in with a smile on their face and a positive attitude, while at the same time, every word out of their mouth instilled fear.  We were told, for example, that from the moment Barret stepped out of bed every day, he needed to put shoes on his feet.  We were told he should never go barefoot again, not even in the house or shower. If he did, he was at risk of future amputations to his feet. For some reason, it was always the little things like this that would bother me most.  Barret loved going barefoot!

Not only were these trainings horrifying in so many ways (far beyond the issue of not going barefoot), the way that the nurses were acting instilled fear in me as well. Before Barret could eat, we had to check his blood sugars by pricking his finger.  After this, the nurse would prick his finger a second time so that she could get a reading on her own meter.  She would then compare her reading with ours to make sure they were close enough in range. Perhaps this was just over-cautious, hospital procedure, but she went on to explain to us that one or the other of the meters could be slightly off, which could be dangerous. If the meter readings weren't close enough to one another, we had to do it all over again, which meant two more pricks to his poor fingers. 

After we made sure the meter readings were accurate enough, we then had to calculate the exact amount of carbohydrates he was expecting to eat before he ate (no more, no less).  Once we did this, we had to then put in a formula based on his blood sugar reading and the carbohydrates he was about to eat to determine how much insulin to give him (in a shot).  This would need to be done every time he ate a meal, and all of this carefully document in a booklet each day. Fortunately, we were given a list of the exact amount of carbohydrates on his tray, but I knew this would get much more complicated once we were back home, especially for a 13 year old boy who was about to enter into the years when a boy can't ever seem to get enough to eat. 

Once we determined the exact amount of insulin to give him, and drew it up in the syringe, the nurse would then check behind us for small bubbles before giving him his shot. She explained that these bubbles could cause the amount of insulin to be inaccurate, which again could be dangerous. It was all very nerve-racking and I couldn't imagine either one of us being this precise about eating on a daily basis.  I couldn't imagine being able to determine the exact amount of carbohydrates for every meal that I prepared for him. How could we be assured that our meter readings were always accurate once we got home?  Once Barret was doing this on his own, how could I be certain he was doing everything exactly right? 

After this, Barret was told that he only had a certain amount of time to eat his food before the insulin would no longer be active inside his body.  Because of the coma and because he had not eaten for a couple of days, Barret's eyes were much bigger than his stomach. He was never able to eat what he planned to eat in the allotted time, but when the time limit was up, they would immediately take his tray from him.  The trainer (or nurse) would then emphasize to us how dangerous it was that he had not eaten what he told us he would eat in advance.     

Hour after hour, we listened to all of the horrible things that could happen if we didn't stay on top of this disease: It could harm his eyes (possible blindness), kidneys, nerves, skin, heart and blood vessels; dangerous sores could develop and become infected, nerves in the body could become damaged, causing pain, tingling, and loss of feeling, which could lead to amputations; it could become hard to control his blood pressure and cholesterol in the future, which can lead to heart attack, stroke, and other serious problems.  On top of everything else, type one diabetes meant his immune system was compromised and he could develop other auto-immune diseases in the future, just as Kaylee had.

We endured hours of extensive training on how his life would forever be changed, and although they kept assuring us that we would get use to it and that it wasn't as bad as it sounded, they also continued to strongly emphasize all the things that could go wrong down the road if we didn't do everything exactly right. 

These trainings during the day (more than 12 hours total) were followed by well-meaning visitors who tried to help us stay positive about this disease, and who tried to encourage us that people who have it go on to live normal lives. And while I truly did understand that things could be so much worse, it was a reminder of exactly what I was up against.  I didn't want to hear positive stories about people that live with this disease or how it wasn't going to be that bad. It was bad! I wanted people to recognize the danger Barret was in on a daily basis.  I wanted people to pray for him and to ask God to heal him!  But the reality was, this was not going to be the response of very many people. Once again, this was going to be a  life-long disease that we would be expected to accept. 

I was exhausted throughout most of Barret's hospital stay, and still struggling to try and get back to the place I had once been in my faith.  I was desperately trying to remind myself of what God had spoken to me, through the sermon the day before my birthday, August 17th, 2008. I could now see that God had sent me this sermon, not only for Kaylee, but because He already knew what was taking place inside of Barret's body as well.  

Through this sermon that God had clearly ordained for me to hear for so many reasons, He let me know that Jesus died on the cross to free us from BOTH sin and disease. The cross provided a two-fold purpose. Disease has no more power over us than sin does! He let me know that disease is a tactic of the enemy (not a calling on our lives), intended to distract us and to ultimately derail God's greater purpose for our lives .  He let me know that my starting point needs to be:  "Yes!" "I BELIEVE!".  And while Barret definitely had the right starting point, I was struggling, once again, to get back there. How had I gone from such a mountaintop in my faith just a few years earlier to this faithless, broken mess?

At this point, I desperately wanted to be reconnected with the people from the church where Kaylee's healing service had taken place.  I didn't care about what they were saying about me, how they had treated me, or about the discord that Satan had so craftily created among us. They shared the same viewpoint that I did concerning disease. I needed them!  But the reality was, I had been cut-off from this congregation.  The isolation and rejection that I had been feeling for quite some time, never felt more real than in that moment.  

During one of my trainings on diabetes, God revealed something to me that helped me better understand the weakened condition I was in. The trainer began to explain to us what doctors believe happens to someone with type one diabetes. She explained that Barret's pancreas had likely been attacked by some sort of virus or bacteria at some point in his life.  She went on to explain that his immune system had become "compromised" (confused), and instead of targeting the foreign invader, it had begun to target and attack Barret's pancreas, ultimately destroying the pancreatic beta cells that produced insulin.  Up until that point, I had never heard auto-immune disease explained exactly like this.  And in that moment, suddenly I understood my own condition. I had become "the pancreas"! 

Following Kaylee's healing, my faith had been at an all time high.  I had immediately felt a calling on my life to share Kaylee's story and to encourage others to never give up fighting for their (or their children's) healing through fasting and persistent prayer!  I felt called to share all of the things God had shown me, and to testify to the power of love and unity that I had witnessed on the night of Kaylee's healing. 

Yet almost immediately following this calling, I had become a target. Every time I attempted to move forward in this calling on my life, the enemy would strike.  Not only was he bringing up the brokenness in my life, my past mistakes, my many weaknesses and shortcomings in my own mind, he had begun to build a case against me, using these very things, within the church as well.  Because the attack was coming at me from both directions, it had impacted me more than I realized. I had lost my confidence, my strength and my focus. 

So once again, this is why I feel so compelled to share our story in its entirety.  If this happened to me, I know it has happened to others within the Body as well.  I can't help wonder how many miraculous testimonies or critical callings have been shut down because of the enemy's divisive tactics within the church.  Had I never had the opportunity to become a weaker, disregarded member of the Body, I would never have fully understood. You see, although all of us have a need to feel loved and supported, those at the greatest risk of being completely shut down are the weakest among us. As I had learned throughout the time of Kaylee's healing, it is those whom most of us disregard, the invaluable "broken violins" who God desires to use in our lives! If they are shut down, we will all suffer the consequences.  

"The eye cannot say to the hand, 'I don't need you!' and the head cannot say to the feet, 'I don't need you!'  On the contrary, those parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable, and the parts that we think are less honorable we treat with special honor.  And the parts that are unpresentable are treated with special modesty, while our presentable parts need no special treatment.  But God has put the body together, giving greater honor to the parts that lacked it, so that there should be no division in the body, but that its parts should have equal concern for each other.  If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it."  I Corinthians 12: 21-26
 
I do believe that our testimony and the calling I feel on my life is meaningful and purposeful. If it wasn't, Satan wouldn't have come after me the way he did. Yet although it has been very difficult at times, I praise God today for allowing things to play out exactly the way it did. Not only did He demonstrate to me the value of the weakest among us, He allowed me to walk in their shoes so that I would fully understand just how debilitating it is.  I learned that when you're already weak and broken, when those within the church join in the attack against you, you start to question yourself.  You start to doubt your calling and your purpose altogether.  You wonder if you got it all wrong.  Your strength and your confidence is terribly shaken, especially when the attack is coming from those who are meant to be your support system and your defense. How can you believe in yourself, and the calling you feel on your life, when the attack is coming through those who are suppose to be Spirit-led?

I did not choose the calling God has laid on my heart, and to be completely honest, this is not a calling I would have chosen.  I would much prefer a more glamorous, less controversial calling. Yet, when I was reminded in that hospital, once again, of God's heart concerning those who are held captive by life-long, debilitating disease, I knew that I had to pick myself back up, put on my "full armor", and continue to stand firm against the enemy's schemes. This is not about me; it's about God!  When God lays something on your heart, that urging just won't go away.  


As Christians, we have the responsibility to be an "immune system", to build up and support the Body as a whole.  In order to be able to do this effectively, we must recognize the difference between what belongs in the Body and what does not.  This is not always easy. There will be false teachers. There will be wolves in sheep's clothing and those who desire to divide the Body against itself.  There will be various interpretations to scripture, different theologies and viewpoints, weaknesses, strengths and gifts. The only way to function, and to be an effective, healthy immune system is to be completely humble (realizing that we do not have all the answers), to value and love one another unconditionally, and to do our best to be Spirit-led.  We cannot do this on our own!

The two-fold message within our testimony concerns the need for homeostasis and unity, both within our physical bodies, and within the Body of Christ. If we don't recognize the value of each and every member within the Body, we will never be the whole, fully functioning Body of Christ God intended for us to be.  If we are not a whole and healthy Body, we are not going to experience the healing and miracles that God desires to do here on earth.  The two go together.

As of today, Barret has not yet received a complete healing from type one diabetes, but we continue to pray daily for his full recovery.  Every day of his life is a on-going battle to try and maintain homeostasis and balance within his wounded, broken body.  The lack of stability within his body often leads to chaos in his every day life.  Just as I anticipated, it has made his academic struggles even more challenging.  In fact, everything in his daily life is more difficult because of this unwelcome disease.     

Yet even so, I choose today not keep my focus on this setback in his life, but instead, to use it as a continual reminder of the calling God has laid on my heart for the sick. There are so many out there who are far worse off than Barret! People's lives and callings are being completely shut down due to the consequences of debilitating disease, depression/mental illness, etc.  God is not the author of this evil, and as the Body of Christ, we have got to wake up and recognize what is happening to our beloved, invaluable, indispensable members. We have got to be the effective support and defense that God has called us to be. This begins, first, with the recognition of what belongs in the Body and what does not. It is a dangerous perspective within the church to view disease, or any consequence or form of sin or unrighteousness, as something merely intended to glorify God through. Jesus did not ever take this stance concerning the sick. Our response and concern for the sick should be no different than his was.  He is our example! We may not always receive the healing that we are praying for here on earth, and there are going to be times when we do not understand, but this should not keep us from fighting for others the way God has called us to. Remember, When one part suffers, every part suffers with it.

"Therefore, my dear brothers, stand firm.  Let nothing move you.  Always give yourself fully to the work of the Lord, because you know your labor is not in vain."  I Corinthians 15:57-58

Thank you for taking the time to read my blog.  I hope it has been a blessing and encouragement to you.  Please continue to pray for us, as we share our personal testimony, that God will use it as He has intended.  My heart's desire is for God to be glorified through our testimony and for others to experience the love and healing that we experienced on August 18th, 2008.  For those of you who are struggling with sickness and disease, I want to encourage you to keep fighting! Keep believing! I want you to know that God has not forgotten you! He has laid you heavily on my heart!  You are never without hope. He is on your side and He is fighting for you!  As much as I love my son, it does not come close in comparison to how much God loves you! 


"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord"  Romans 8:39-39



 

Our Story, Part Fifty-Eight (Auto-immune Strikes Again)

"Do not fear, for I am with you;

do not be dismayed, for I am your God.

I will strengthen you and help you;

I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

Isaiah 41:10

On May 30th, 2012, I found my 13- year- old son, Barret, unresponsive in the floor of his bedroom. With blood sugars over 1,600 (100 is a normal range), his organs had shut down, causing him to slip into a coma. For just a brief instant, I wasn't sure if he was alive.  

Once I noticed that he was still breathing, very short, heavy breaths, I began to shake him and try to wake him.  His body was completely limp.  I believe that the initial fear I felt, when I wasn't sure if he was alive, sent me into a state of shock. I couldn't really think straight or comprehend what was happening. I remember thinking that I needed to get him to the doctor, but I didn't know how I was going to get him there if I couldn't get him to wake up.  

What I did next will forever be the comic relief to this otherwise horrifying moment in time.  In fact, Barret loves to tell people that I tried to kill him. I picked up the Gatorade that he had been drinking the night before and attempted to get him to take a sip. I may have even poured a little in his mouth, but of course that story has now been greatly exaggerated!  As you might imagine, pouring Gatorade into the mouth of someone with blood sugars over 1,600 is a very bad idea.  However, in my defense, not only was I in shock, Diabetes was the furthest thing from my mind. 

It wasn't until Memorial Day, two days prior to this incident, that I first noticed something was wrong with Barret. We had been at the pool that day, and when he took his shirt off to go in for a swim, we were all alarmed by what we saw.  I knew that he had slimmed up a good bit since the summer before, but I had assumed that was because he was going through puberty and had been getting taller. In fact, when I think back, there had been several "warning signs" that I had been attributing to puberty.  For instance, he had been having mood swings, which were completely out of character. But again, this was my fifth child to go through puberty, and mood swings were not out of the ordinary with all the hormonal changes that come with the onset of puberty.  Another sign, which is also not uncommon at this age, was that he had been sleeping more and was having a harder time than usual getting up in the morning.  I didn't think too much of this either.

Another warning sign, which did have me a bit 
concerned, was that he was having frequent headaches.  None of my children had ever experienced this, and I remember wondering if I needed to have this checked out. Shortly after this started, however, I found out that one of his cousins, who is around the same age, was also suffering from regular migraine headaches.  I decided that this was likely something that ran in the family and contributed this to being a result of all the new changes in his body as well.  

Perhaps the most obvious "red flag" that I was missing, had I been aware of any of the warning signs of Diabetes, was that he was always thirsty. I would hear him get up several times during the night to get something to drink or to use the bathroom.  But again, teenagers are always an interesting and unpredictable group.  I just didn't think much about any odd or unusual behavior at this age.  He had always been extremely active and he was eating more as well, so it made sense at the time that he would be taking in a lot of  fluids.  If he was constantly drinking fluids, it made sense that he would constantly be going to the bathroom. We had all begun making fun of him over this, never suspecting that something was terribly wrong inside of his body.  

All of these were in fact classic symptoms of Diabetes, but of course we had no idea or reason to suspect this disease.  It was nowhere in the family on either side. Yet, when I had noticed his shockingly wasting appearance that Memorial Day, I remember being instantly gripped by fear. After all, this had also been one of the first noticeable signs when Kaylee had first become sick with Crohn's disease.  

Even so, as this fear tried to settle in, I quickly dismissed it. I had just won a 9-year battle over chronic disease with Kaylee.  I convinced myself that the enemy was trying to instill this fear in me, and I was not going to let myself go there!  There just had to be a logical explanation other than disease.

So for the next couple of days, denial set in.  Even as he progressively got weaker, rather than taking him right to the doctor, I focused on his nutrition, just as I had always done with Kaylee.  I began loading him up with juices, yogurt drinks, and the various supplements I had used for Kaylee.  If there was indeed a more serious, underlying problem, because of my past experiences, I assumed it was connected to his gut or digestive system. Because of his chronic thirst, he eagerly gulped down all of these drinks, which were extremely high in sugar and carbohydrates (the #1 enemy of Diabetes). Needless to say, everything I was doing to try to help him only further contributed to his blood sugars being shot through the roof!     

So this was how he had ended up in this condition, and now as he lay there unresponsive in the floor of his bedroom, I feared that I had made a huge mistake not to take him to the doctor sooner. 

But how was I going to get him there now?  

Because of the shock, it took a few minutes for it to even register with me that I needed to call 911. 

My next vivid memory of that morning was being stuck in the bathroom at the Emergency Room.  My children will probably kill me for sharing this, but in order to paint a true picture of this most traumatic morning, I simply can't leave this out. You see, while I had remained extremely calm outwardly throughout the events of that morning, inwardly I was not having the same reaction. I followed the ambulance to the hospital, and by the time I arrived, my stomach was completely torn up from my nerves!  I literally had to run to the bathroom! It wasn't until afterwards that I noticed there was no toilet paper anywhere in the bathroom.     

After I managed somehow to get out of this very unfortunate predicament (I will spare you the details), I rounded the corner in the E.R. and received the shocking news exactly in this way: 

"Your son is a Diabetic."

Wait...  What?! 

For just a very brief moment, I actually felt a sense of relief. We had an explanation. He wasn't going to die. But that relief was very short lived once those words began to fully sink in.  Although I knew very little about Diabetes at that time, the one thing I did know for certain was that he would not be leaving the hospital with the problem "fixed" nor would he return home as the healthy, carefree child he once was.  Our lives were about to be forever changed (outside of a miracle). Here I was, once again, being given a life-changing, life-long diagnosis for one of my children.  My heart sank.

Just like that, my son, who had been completely healthy (or so I thought) just a few days earlier, was not only being given a diagnosis of chronic disease, he was even being referred to by the name of this disease!  This was extremely hard for me to hear. While this may seem silly to those of you who have never struggled with the stigma of chronic disease, I knew how hard this had been on Kaylee.  Chronic disease has a tendency to start to define you and become your identity.  To this day, I still won't refer to Barret as a "Diabetic."  I don't want to give this unwelcome disease that much power over his life. I don't want to label him this way. Instead, I tell people, "He has Diabetes."  This way it doesn't sound so permanent. 

I had very little time to process this instantaneous diagnosis before I was being bombarded with questions, paperwork, and major life decisions. The staff did not feel that they were adequately equipped or prepared to treat a child in his condition and felt he needed to be transported immediately to Children's Hospital in Birmingham. Although they were being careful not to instill too much fear in me, they let me know that, although they had already begun slowly giving him insulin in order to bring his blood sugars down, he was not yet out of real danger.  All of this had to be done in a very strategic manner with a child who now weighed only 64 lbs (This also came as a shock to me!). 

They went on to explain that he had type one Diabetes, which I understood was the really "bad" type! With type one, you are completely insulin   dependent and required to take shots every time you eat.  Unlike type two Diabetes, which involves the body's ability to utilize the available insulin, there is no insulin production with type one.  Type two Diabetes can also be helped and, in some cases, completely turned around with a healthy diet and exercise.  This is not the case with type one. 

What I wasn't yet unaware of, and what they went on to also explain to me, is that type one Diabetes is an auto-immune disease (type two is not).  This meant that his own immune system had been targeting and attacking his pancreas for quite some time now.  Upon hearing this, I was immediately taken back to Kaylee's diagnosis years earlier. Now things were beginning to make a little more sense. This wasn't such a "foreign" disease to our family after all.  It was simply showing up in a different form. 

One of the nurses looked at me and assured me that this wasn't my fault, and at that point I lost it. I completely broke down. I felt like it was my fault. I felt like I should have reacted sooner.  And as I stood there watching them load him onto the helicopter, the seriousness of the situation suddenly became very real. Although I hoped they were being completely honest with me about everything, I wasn't convinced that they weren't withholding things from me in order to protect me.  I knew that it was very serious if they were air-lifting him, and along with this fear, it was the absolute most helpless feeling not being able to go with him.  I had over a two hour drive ahead of me before I could get to him. I felt sick.    

As I was getting my things together to head to Birmingham, I received a phone call from the doctor in PICU (Pediatric Intensive Care Unit) at Children's Hospital.  He explained to me, as gently as possible, the reason for the emergency air-lift. Because Barret's blood sugars had reached such a high level, and because we didn't know how long he had been in that condition, there was a concern that there could be permanent brain damage.  He told me that he didn't expect this to be the case, however, they needed to take every precaution just in case.  

It was all extremely shocking, and after I worked out the details for the rest of my children while I would be gone, I had more than a two hour drive by myself to try and absorb it all. There was so much to take in, so many unknowns ahead, and so much that I couldn't understand.  More than anything, I was heartbroken for Barret as I thought about all the major life changes that were ahead for him. Although I didn't know very much about this disease yet, the thought of being right back where I had been for years, battling another disease, was overwhelming to me. Yet, after everything I had been through with Kaylee and all that God had shown me throughout that time, I knew in my heart that I couldn't simply accept this disease as the plan for Barret's life. I knew that I had to fight it, just as I had fought for Kaylee's life.  How was I going to find the strength to do this all over again?  

As I continued on the excruciating drive back to the hospital where all of this had started years ago with Kaylee, suddenly something else came to my mind. At the conference I attended shortly after Kaylee's diagnosis,  Dr. Robbins had told us that he had seen success with nearly every disease through diet change alone. There was only one disease he mentioned that he had never seen turn around. It was type one Diabetes.  

Our Story, Part Fifty-Seven (ONE Body/A Wounded Pancreas)

"The entire law is summed up in a single command: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' If you keep on biting and devouring each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other."

Galatians 5:14&15

I want to thank all of you who have stuck with me throughout the entirety of this blog.  When I first started writing, I wasn't sure how far I would get into our story.  I decided that I would take it one week at a time and share as I felt God leading. I was honestly hoping to end at the point Kaylee's healing took place, which was definitely the climax and most uplifting part of our story!  Yet week to week, as I continued to pray about whether or not I should keep going, I felt that God was leading me to continue on.  Although the events surrounding our miraculous night were significant and meaningful concerning the need for unity, I feel it is equally significant to point out how quickly Satan set out to shut down our testimony and the means by which he did it. This was in fact our story, both the good and the bad, and it's a real life story.  

My hope has been that the entirety of our testimony might shed some light as to how Satan often works against us, the real danger of wrongfully using our tongues to tear down another member, and the need for the Body of Christ to walk in unity and love, regardless of our differences. After my personal experience,  I have noticed how common this "auto-immune condition" is becoming.  It has become increasingly accepted for those within the Body to publicly call out and speak against other denominations or leaders who have different viewpoints.  I have watched in alarm as several Christian leaders, pastors, and teachers, many of whom were a great encouragement to Kaylee and I throughout all of this, have been called out by name, by other pastors, and referred to as "heretics," "false prophets" and even "ravenous wolves".   

Yes, the Bible does warn us to be on the lookout for false prophets, but again, we have to be extremely cautious here.  This is another area where it is essential that we recognize the difference between what belongs in the Body and what does not.  If we become too prideful, any one of us can be used by the enemy to tear down one of our own members, thus becoming a deadly toxin within the Body of Christ.  

Clearly, Satan is threatened by the strength of unity within the Body, something that we witnessed on the night of Kaylee's healing.  Although we may not completely agree in our theologies or viewpoints on every issue, when we openly speak against one another, we are tearing down the Body of Christ as a whole.  I think we all need to be humbly open to the idea that none of us have all the answers.  We all have a specific purpose and assignment within the Body that is unique!  We all need each other!

It seems to me that this great divide within the Body often centers around a message that offers hope for physical healing or deliverance from various forms of oppression and bondage in this lifetime.  Sure, there may be some out there who are taking things too far, but I want to point out that it was the viewpoint that God can be glorified through disease that Satan used to attempt to stop Kaylee's prayer service from taking place in the final hours. I would never point fingers at those who believe differently on the subject of disease and healing and accuse them of being false teachers or wolves.  I don't believe this is the case at all, and I think both sides contain pieces of the truth.  So why has it become acceptable to point fingers at those who do encourage us to believe for miracles?

Again, I am not saying that every sickness and disease will be healed on this earth.  I am not going to put God in a box on either side of this issue. I am simply saying that we will never receive a healing if we aren't open.  Jesus never told a single person who came to Him seeking healing that they were called to glorify God by showing joy in the midst of their disease or suffering. He healed them all! Jesus is the one who told us, "Everything is possible for one who believes."  So why not believe?   

As I have learned through my own personal experience, miracles often require us to put on our full armor and "fight" to the very end!  We cannot expect to have victory over the enemy and his schemes if we surrender or accept defeat from the start.  Whether we all believe exactly the same or not, I think those of us who are followers of Christ can benefit greatly from the personal testimonies and experiences of one another if we are humble and open. Again, our miracle came through the strength and power of unity within the Body of Christ! I can't help but wonder if perhaps we don't see many miracles today because we are weakened by our harsh judgments, pointing fingers and malicious talk, targeting our own members and parts from within (the message of Isaiah 58).  

In addition to this need for unity among the various denominations and churches, I think it is critical that we also realize the need we have for each and every member within the Body of Christ!  God chose to use the very "least of these" to bring me messages concerning Kaylee's healing. He chose to use the "broken violins", the ones who most of us disregard completely, because each and every member within the Body has tremendous value and worth!  Not one is dispensable!  

There are many broken and wounded members within the Body in need of deliverance from the grip of the enemy! The enemy is using various forms of oppression such as chronic disease, mental illness/depression, addiction, poverty, etc to derail the lives and purposes of those around us. We have got to recognize the difference between what belongs in the Body and what does not! The Body of Christ needs to be healed, restored and functioning in unity so that each and every member can live out the critical calling God has on their lives!  We need to be a strength and support (an effective immune system) to one another, not a stumbling block, and most definitely not an enemy!

I pray that I have been able to convey this message about the need for unity in a way that is edifying. Again, I am just as guilty as the next person of wrongfully using my tongue.  I have learned so much throughout this time in my life.  Although we may come from different denominations backgrounds, life experiences, and viewpoints, we are ONE Body! This is the message I hope will be taken from this blog. 

With all of this in mind, I would like to share something that I hope will help tie all of this together and put this message that I feel God has laid on my heart about the danger of the "auto-immune condition" in perspective. I am going to conclude our story, in the next couple of weeks, with my son's (Barret) most recent diagnosis with auto-immune disease, so this seems to be a perfect time to bring in this analogy about what can happen when we choose to walk in judgement rather than love toward one another. 

Before I share this story, here are just a few reminders again of what God expects from us. (The entire book of Ephesians, chapter 4 is great, but here are just a few highlights.)   

"As a prisoner of the Lord, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received.  Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.  Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.  There is one body and one Spirit, just as you were called to one hope when you were called; one Lord, one faith, one baptism, one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all."  Ephesians 4:1-6  

"From him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work."  Ephesians 4:16

"Do not let unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful in building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.  And do not grief the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.  Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you."  Ephesians 4: 29-32

A Wounded Pancreas

I would like for you to imagine the following scenario is taking place inside of your body: 

Your pancreas is being targeted by a potentially deadly, external bacteria.  Your immune system immediately recognizes this foreign invasion and proceeds to defend this vital organ.    

     

  ...But suddenly it stops!  

It begins to process the information further.  It begins to question whether or not it is doing the right thing.  It begins to question whether this invasion is indeed an enemy attack or if it could possibly be God's will and plan for the pancreas.  It begins to look closer at the pancreas, considering its past mistakes and shortcomings, analyzing its contribution to the body, and determining its worthiness.

As these deeper thoughts continue to process, the following messages begin to pass from cell to cell:

  

"You know, this is not the first time we have had to help the pancreas when he was in trouble."

"That's true.  You would think that he would have learned something by now."

"You're right.  I am not really sure the pancreas is doing enough to help himself."

"I heard the pancreas has been down on his job for quite some time now.  If we help him out, he might start to depend on us too much in the future.  We might hinder him from being self-sufficient." 

"What if God is trying to teach the pancreas something through this?  I am not sure we should interfere with what might actually be God's discipline."  

"I'm not altogether convinced that this might not be a good thing for the pancreas in the long run.  If you think about it, this could be exactly what the pancreas needs to mature and turn himself around.  It might actually end up being a positive thing."

Your immune system collectively decides to retreat and moves on.  In the meantime, your pancreas, unable to defend himself without the help of the immune system, continues to grow weaker and weaker.  

As homeostasis within your body is further disrupted, new problems begin to develop and spread throughout your body.  Your pancreas' production of vital insulin begins to decline.  With this decrease in insulin production, every cell within your body finds themselves growing weaker and weaker as a result.  They no longer have enough insulin available to convert all the glucose your body is receiving into energy, causing everything in your body to slow down as the excess glucose begins to spill over into your bloodstream.  As your blood continues to thicken from the excess glucose, circulation decreases as well. Your body, now desperate for energy, is forced to rob itself of what you have stored up in the fat and muscle tissue; which in turn causes numerous other problems to arise.  

At this point, your immune system cells have now become extremely weak and this instability is causing them to grow more and more confused.  They are now compromised and struggling to recognize the difference between what belongs in your body and what does not. 

As a result of this auto-immune condition, they have grown more and more resentful of the pancreas, believing he has now threatened the stability of the entire system.  Oblivious that their lack of genuine love and support of this vital organ is ultimately responsible for their own demise, they continue to process the on-going information your body is sending, signaling a state of crisis within your entire body!  

"This is all happening because of the pancreas, you know.  Clearly we were right about him all along!" 

"I never felt good about the pancreas.  Do you think he could possibly be an impostor or a wolf in sheep's clothing?  Perhaps he doesn't belong in this body.  He could be a threat to us all!" 

"I've never thought about it that way before.  But it sure stands to reason based on what I can see happening here."

"I personally think the pancreas needs to go!"

"But wait a minute!  The pancreas has helped us out before. Perhaps we should tell the pancreas how we are feeling? Perhaps we should give the pancreas an opportunity to explain his position?"

"I agree. Maybe we should try to work this out and resolve our differences."

"I'm afraid that could do more harm than good.  The pancreas is way off track now. He is sick!  Any further communication could corrupt us all."  

"That's a good point.  Perhaps it's best if we have nothing more to do with the pancreas at all. He is clearly broken beyond repair and very troubled."

These messages spread rapidly throughout your body, eventually resulting in a full-fledged, all out auto-immune attack against your pancreas.  Over time, your pancreas finds himself unable to withstand the numerous consequences of the on-going attack coming at him from both directions.  He finds himself weak, no longer able to heal, and completely isolated, alone, and cut off from your body.  Eventually, the vital beta cells, responsible for insulin production within your pancreas, are completely destroyed. There is now no more insulin production at all.

As your cells continue to weaken and your blood continues to thicken, deadly toxic acids, known as ketones, began to pour into your bloodstream and circulate throughout your entire body. Now every vital organ within your body is suffering. One by one, your remaining functioning organs shut down.   

  

...Your body slowly slips away into a coma."

Our Story, Part Fifty-Six (Our Ever-Present Help)

"It only takes a spark, remember, to set off a forest fire.  A careless or wrongly placed word out of your mouth can do that.  By our speech we can ruin the world, turn harmony to chaos, throw mud on a reputation, send the whole world up in smoke and go up in smoke with it, smoke right from the pit of hell." 

James 3: 5-6

(The Message)

On the night of Kaylee's prayer service, it was the unity, harmony and love, displayed through so many people of various denominations, backgrounds, age ranges, and spiritual gifts, that made our night so unique and powerful.  It was a movement of God like nothing I had ever experienced before. I understood, even as I sat there watching it all unfold on this night, that I was witnessing something miraculous in itself. Everything that was taking place seemed to have significant meaning and purpose, all the way down to the 8-year-old girl who was weeping at Kaylee's feet. 

Yet, more than three years later, everything surrounding this night seemed to have turned to complete confusion and chaos. I am sure that many of you reading this blog have been disappointed with the drastic turn our once heartwarming and encouraging story took. I have had a few people question my decision to share the negative aspects of our story.  But I want to remind you that this is a real life story.  I didn't get to write the story and certainly would never have written it this way. I did everything in my power to try to change it.  But I firmly believe that God has a purpose in each one of our stories and in every trial we face, and that He will work it all for good, regardless of the negative direction it may go at times.  He is our ever-present help in times of trouble and He uses the evil schemes of the enemy for His greater purpose!  

If we only share our positive experiences in life, it's not going to help bring about change or help others who may find themselves in similar situations.  I share our story in hopes of shedding light on a condition that we often find within the Body of Christ, the antithesis of what we witnessed on the night of Kaylee's healing.  God gave me understanding, in the months leading up to Kaylee's prayer service, that this auto-immune condition, which mirrors what was taking place within Kaylee's body, greatly hinders the overall strength and effectiveness of the Body.  It took me a long time to accept this, but I strongly believe today that there is a more meaningful message in the entirely of our testimony and that God has called me to share it all. 

During the seven month period leading up to Kaylee's prayer service, God instilled in me the message of Isaiah 58.  He let me know that my prayers and fasting for Kaylee's healing were ineffective if I was also using my tongue to damage and harm others in any way. It had been a powerful wake up call for me at the time, and because I was in a place of such desperate need, I took this warning very seriously! For the remainder of that seven month period, I was not perfect with my tongue, but I can honestly say that I was afraid to speak against anyone. I understood that, if I did, it could hinder the effectiveness of my prayers.  On the night of my birthday, and Kaylee's promised healing, I stood up in front of everyone (without knowing in advance that I would be asked to speak and without any preparation) and confessed this sin in my life.  I shared the message God had given me through Isaiah 58 about the "pointing finger and malicious talk".  At the time, it never even occurred to me that I was practicing the teaching of James 5:14-16:

"Is any one of you sick?  He should call the elders of the church to pray over him and anoint him with oil in the name of the Lord.  And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; and the Lord will raise him up.  If he has sinned, he will be forgiven.  Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.  The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective."  

Clearly, what comes out of our mouth really matters to God, and He has continued to drive this point home with me, over and over again.  I have to confess that I still have not mastered this area. Yet when I found myself on the receiving end of the damage, it really put everything into a new perspective for me. The negative talk against me was shutting down our testimony, damaging my reputation, and greatly hindering the calling I felt God had on my life.  As a Body, we are called to peace; we are called to build one another up for the sake of the whole. Our words can bring life and healing, as we saw on the night of Kaylee's prayer service, but our words can also bring death and destruction.  

After hearing the sermon on delegated human authority, and realizing that this was likely the case against me, it took me some time to recover. For the next several weeks, I attended church only as a volunteer in the children's department where I was helping teach some precious 3rd grade children. Even during this eight week period, our lessons in children's church were continually centered around the subject of honoring one another.  It was really such a simple lesson, and so crystal clear when learning it from a childlike perspective. 

To my amazement, the very first sermon that I attended, following this time period, addressed, not only my confusion from previous sermon on authority, but also reiterated the message of Isaiah 58.  It was truly unbelievable the way God was orchestrating and pulling all of this together for me as an answer to my prayers for help! When our pastor at Cornerstone, Rusty, stood up to preach out of the book of James, chapter 3, it seemed to tie the entire message together so perfectly. 

This sermon, from the first weekend in May, 2012, is still available to watch online.  I have provided the link below if you would like to click on it and watch it for yourself.  This particular sermon was taped in an earlier service, so there may be some slight variations from what I heard in the later service, but it is the same message.  I think you will be blessed by it just as I was.   

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UV2GiP1qT1g&index=196&list=UUlYrKRMw7j-zSZJ3GfoovWQ

Our pastor began by posing this question to us: 

"Does anybody in here have trouble controlling their mouth?  Does anybody want to stand up and publicly testify to that? Do you have someone sitting next to you that you would love to share about?"  he added jokingly.

He then proceeded to warn us, "What we say, what happens with this mouth, what comes out of it, REALLY matters!"

He then began reading (James 3:1): "Not many of you should presume to be teachers, my brothers, because you know that we who teach will be judged more strictly."

"Now let me park right there for just a minute," he said.  "He's really saying: 'Hey, don't just think that it is a good idea to become a teacher.  Not many people should engage in the act of teaching, because when you do, and specifically when it comes to relating the word of God - or anything in the Christian realm or in the church - be careful coming into that, because you'll be held accountable! You will be judged more strictly.  You will have to make sure your life lines up and that what you're teaching is accurate and true.'"

From here, he began to talk further about this great responsibility.  He told us that there was a lot of heresy during the times when James was writing this book, and he was sending out a warning.

He continued on reading (verse 2): "We all stumble in many ways.  If anyone is never at fault in what he says, he is a perfect man, able to keep his whole body in check." 

"It's easier to control the body than it is the tongue," he continued.  "The tongue is this place where we find this great weakness.  And it's very hard for anybody to be perfect with what they say and how they say it.  And so, in light of that, we have to take special care and offer special attention to the words that we offer or the things that we teach."

He explained that James was very close to Jesus on this earth, and that this teaching mirrored a teaching from Jesus found in Mark 9:42: 

"If anyone causes one of these little ones -those who believe in me - to stumble, it would be better for them if a large millstone was hung around their neck and they were thrown into the sea"  

"In other words," he continued on, "It was a warning!  He was like: 'Listen, if anybody should lead, either by example or their teaching or both, someone astray (by "little one" he explained further, this could be a child or someone new in the faith) or cause them to sin, there are massive consequences to that!'  ...."Be careful! Because somebody is watching you! They're listening to you! Pay attention to what you are doing!" 

"When we put bits into the mouths of horses to make them obey us, we can turn the whole animal. Or take ships as an example.  Although the are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are steered by a very small rudder wherever the pilot wants to go." (verses 3&4)

"Something so small," he explained further, "can guide something so big, which is also the case with our tongues..."

"Likewise the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boast.  Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark.  The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body.  It corrupts the whole person, sets the whole course of his life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell." (verse 5)

After reading this version, the pastor then read us the same verse out of The Message version, which I felt so perfectly described what I had been living following Kaylee's healing: 

"It only takes a spark, remember, to set off a forest fire.  A careless or wrongly placed word out of your mouth can do that.  By our speech we can ruin the world, turn harmony into chaos, throw mud on a reputation, send the whole world up in smoke and go up in smoke with it, smoke right from the pit of hell"

He continued on, turning this same lesson that applies to us all, back to teachers and leaders.

"So he's saying here," the pastor continued, "'Hey, listen this has happened before!  Teachers and leaders have spoken words that literally caused whole large groups of people to go in the wrong direction, to do things that were guided by evil rather than by good."

"Be careful!" he reiterated again, "Because it doesn't take much."

"All kinds of animals, birds, reptiles, and creatures of the sea are being tamed and have been tamed by men.  But no man can tame the tongue...."  (verses 7&8) 

"In other words, he's saying, 'Look, if by under our own power, under our own rule, we cannot control this tongue.  What we need is somebody else.  And he's offering without even saying it, The Spirit is the only One who controls the tongue for us - the One who can genuinely guide in what we say..."

"...It is a restless evil full of deadly poison."

"With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God's likeness.  Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing.  My brothers, this should not be.  Can both fresh and salt water flow from the same spring?  My brothers, can a fig tree bear olives, or a grape vine bear figs?  Neither can a salt spring produce fresh water."  (verses 9-12)

"He's like, 'Hey, we have this one tongue that's designed ultimately to give praise to our God and Father, and really it's not suppose to do two things at once'   ...Like when we praise our God and Father on a Sunday morning, then we roll out and we curse the person who's feeding us over at the restaurant. We get onto our kids, our spouses, or our co-workers that next week.  I mean, really ...is that the way it's suppose to happen?  Can we really praise God in one sense with that tongue then go curse other people?  Should that be the way it is?"

He continued on, talking about fresh water and salt water coming out of the same spring...  "In your life, what is on the inside produces something.  A good heart produces good fruit.  And this is what he is talking about with the grape vine and the fig tree. A good heart produces good fruit.  A bad heart produces bad fruit.  It's just very basic, plain and simple.  Apple trees don't produce strawberries. Strawberry trees don't produce apples.  It just doesn't work!  It's not natural.  And the same thing with your heart.  What we have on the inside will find its way out."

"This is like a common theme," he continued on explaining what James was saying, "Over and over, he's trying to pound this in, being so redundant... Pay attention to your life and what you're doing and what you're saying and how those things are aligning! All of these verses are producing one big warning!" Be careful!"   

"Now if James were here today, he would still be preaching the same thing, not only to us, but he would be talking about other situations too, like, for example:  Look, if there's a preacher, author, teacher, out there that is doing suspect things, you need to be careful with that! Especially if they're claiming to be a Christian and they're offering something from the mouth of God.  For example, if they're offering a secret knowledge that only they have.  If they believe they are the only one who has the correct interpretation of this book. (he held up his Bible).  

"If they offer that to you, and expect you to follow them, run away!  Don't go there!"

"There's something wrong with that," he continued, "That would not be Biblical! God is offering a general revelation to all of us.  Now certainly, He's called some of us to teach and preach, which by the way, is a very scary thing to have to do every week because of the responsibility of it."

He went on to explain further, "James is saying, 'Look teachers and preachers, be careful with what you are doing.  You're leading people!'  ...Many cults have been formed out of people just following blindly and out of teachers and leaders not leading correctly."

At this point, I began to think about the previous sermon I had heard on authority and what bothered me about it. As I mentioned in the previous blog, I wasn't comfortable with the things that were added or subtlety changed to emphasize this teaching on delegated human authority.  There were things mentioned that I had never heard before, such as interpretive "keys" that "unlock" the Bible.  I never knew the Bible was "locked".  But what bothered me most, I think, and I had read similar things in "The Bait of Satan" book, was a teaching that encourages disassociating ourselves with certain people, such as those who are bitter or unforgiving (from "The Bait of Satan" book) or those who are not submissive to delegated human authority. Sure, there may be instances when God calls us to disassociate with people when they are living lives of extreme immorality and rebellion to God (as mentioned in II Timothy 3: 1-5) or if they are abusive or causing us personal harm.  But I think we need to be very cautious here.  After all, we are all sinners! I certainly don't think we should disassociate ourselves with someone because they are struggling with a particular sin, struggling to forgive someone, or struggling in the area of submission to authority.  

With this particular teaching, I couldn't help but think about my former classroom full of students, many of whom had experienced unthinkable acts and abuse at the hand of those in positions of authority.  Many of them were rebellious, to various degrees, as a result. Yet, God loved these children, and chose to use them, just as they were. In fact, Rachel, the very one whom God gave the dream about Kaylee's healing, rebelled against my authority and ran away from our classroom just days after sharing her dream with me. These abused and damaged children were very likely to grow into adults with a very skewed view of authority due to no fault of their own.  Was a teaching that encourages people to disassociate with people struggling in this area really God's way?  Would this teaching have benefited these particular children or pointed them to Christ if they had been present for that sermon?  

Those who have had Godly, righteous authority figures in their lives (although all are imperfect), should consider themselves blessed, not better, because not everyone is so fortunate. Something just wasn't right about the fruit being produced from a teaching like this, and it was evident by the way that I was being treated in this church. The thought of one of these children ever being treated this way later in life was just heartbreaking to me. People who have been severely wounded are more likely to struggle in every area.  They need to be shown the love of Christ, not rejection. 
  
From here, the pastor then moved on to address the issue of authority.  

"So there are several issues at play here in these verses that James is offering.  Number one, and even though it's not spoken here, it's clearly the case, is the issue of authority." 

He had my undivided attention!

"...particularly when it comes to those who are teaching or leading other people.  Authority, with that, comes tremendous responsibility!  Now certainly the people who are given the privilege of serving others and having others follow them, they bear the weight of that authority, and it can go in many different directions.  It can go in a good direction or it can go in a bad direction.  But ultimately, I believe that authority has been given to teachers, preachers, and leaders for the good of others - to build others up- to make others better - for the sake of the whole."

He went on to give us an example of what this position should look like.  He compared it to the role of a conductor leading an orchestra.  

"If authority were given to every musician to decide how this thing should go, it wouldn't go anywhere, would it?"  he asked us.  "There's one person in that group that is given the authority, and he knows what is best for this orchestra.  He's looking at every individual musician and he's trying to find out:  How can I extract the best out of that musician?  How can I make them the best they can be in that position? ...so that when I put all of this together, it makes one beautiful piece of music.  ...for the sake of the whole."

He continued, "With the conductor, it's not about himself.  He bears the authority and responsibility of doing that.    ...Now, when you bridge that over into the Christian community, it's the same thing. Teachers, preachers, anybody who is a leader or given authority, the whole goal and design is to serve humbly for the sake of Christ and others.  ...And we never do that under our own authority.  It is always under the authority of Christ."  


He backed this up with the following verse: "As for other matters, brothers and sisters, we have instructed you how to live in order to please God, as in fact you are living.  Now we ask you and urge you in the Lord Jesus to do this more and more. For you know what instructions we gave you by the authority of the Lord Jesus."  I Thessalonians 4:1&2

"Paul is saying, 'Listen, we never do this just because we think it's a good idea or out of our own power or because we've given ourselves authority. We do this out of the authority of Jesus Christ.  We send instructions to you about how to live according to Him.  This just doesn't work if God is not at work in you and me, the leader, first.  It's the only way to do this responsibility we have been called to..."  

He then illustrated this further and asked us this question:  "Do you invite God in to be your assistant?  No!  He is the guy that holds the Universe together by the power of His word  ...that you invite in to be your Lord and Savior.  He's the One you invite in to control your life and to tell you what to do.  You want to submit yourself to Him.  You want Him to be the authority in your life.  And that's where we come to with the issue of authority.  Anyone in a position over other people, it should be: 'God, Please help me!  I am submitted to You, and I pray that Your authority would reign in me, so that when I do what I do, I do it right! I don't want to mess this up!  I want to lead people well and teach people well and guide people through Your love and Your grace!'"

"...Because really," he continued with such humility, "if I get up here and offer Rusty's 400 rules of living, that wouldn't work anyway!  Trust me!  Ask my wife!"  

"Look through history," he said, "Take Hitler, for example, or Osama bin Laden  ...What kind of leadership do we have here?  Or then look at Billy Graham or Martin Luther King Jr. - a lot of power in those tongues right there!  Words that shaped and influenced in completely different directions..."  

"James is saying, 'Just watch out!  If you're offering words, just offer words that would bring people to Christ, that would light up the darkness.  ...Offer words of encouragement instead of tearing people down.'"  

"Words matter!  Be careful!  'The devil prowls around like a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour.' (I Peter 5:8)  Don't let it be you!"

"To wrap this up," he said in closing, "If you teach, if you lead, if you're somebody who has been given responsibility, pay attention!  Know why you're doing this!  What is your motive?  And if you're somebody in the church that does that, really pay attention!  You're a servant of God.  You've been humbly given the responsibility, just as I know I have, to guide others.  And this requires our submission to Christ first.  Remember, you're on a mission from God in what you do."

He then looked out at all of us in his congregation and added, "As your pastor, I have been called to humbly serve you."  

It was a complete flip in the opposite direction of the sermon I had heard before.  When I left church that morning, I left with an assurance of God's ever-presence, even in the midst of all the chaos that seemed to surround my life.  Rather than the heavy feeling of condemnation I had felt following the previous sermon, I felt such comfort, and my faith in spiritual authority had been restored as well.  In my spirit, I knew that I had just heard the truth, from God's perspective, regarding my own situation. It was a wonderful feeling to know how much God cared about what I was experiencing. I had been in an extremely weakened state and desperately needed assurance of God's presence right at that moment, and He knew this!      

....Unbeknownst to me, another form of chaos had already begun inside my son's (Barret) body.  We were just 3 weeks away from yet another horrifying health crisis...