Our Story, Part Forty-Two (Dejected)

"At my first defense, 
no one came to my support,
but everyone deserted me.
May it not be held against them."

(II Timothy 4:16)

As I continue to share our testimony, I want to address a couple of things.  First of all, I want to point out that in the months that followed Kaylee's healing, I was not coming from a place of strength in my thoughts and responses. So please keep this in mind as I am telling the story. I am sharing it exactly as it happened (to the best of my recollection) and my responses are not necessarily how I wish they had been or what was best. I wish I had been stronger and more confident, and I often wonder if I could have handled things better or done things differently which might have changed the outcome.  But regardless, this was where I was at the time. In many ways, I feel like I am now an advocate for the weaker members of the Body of Christ. I know what it feels like to be in this vulnerable, defensive place.  

Again, my goal is not to be critical of any one individual, church, or denomination, but rather to point out a condition that weakens the overall Body.  We are all members of ONE Body, and when we speak against one another (whether openly or in secret), we are tearing down our own Body. We may not all agree on every issue, but we need to honor and respect each and every member.  There are ways to address our differences that are edifying and there are ways that are destructive. 

As Jesus told us, "Every kingdom divided against itself will be ruined; and every city or household divided against itself will not stand." (Mathew 12:25)  

Our story is an extreme example of what happens when we dishonor another member.  Although I realize there may be some who disagree with my decision to share this part of our story, I feel strongly that God has called me to do so.  By the end, you will see the damage that was done to me as I continued to walk out the calling I felt that God had on my life. I too have been guilty of speaking against others or not standing up when things were being said, but God has given me an understanding of how serious the "auto-immune condition" is and how Satan uses it against the church. Although it can be uncomfortable to point out the negative, sometimes it is necessary in order to bring healing.

As I was sitting in the doctor's office with my son last week, I had a funny thought that I wanted to share.  What if his doctor was to come into the room talking about his Diabetes and I was to interrupt him and say, "I don't want to talk about the negative things going on in his body. There are many positives, and I would rather focus on those things today. Why don't we talk about the organs that are healthy and functioning properly, rather than always focusing on the one organ that is malfunctioning?" Can you even imagine how the doctor would respond to this?  Whether we like it or not, it is necessary to address the things that are not working properly. While there are many positive things taking place within the Body of Christ, if one tiny cell begins to malfunction, it will eventually affect the entire system.  Things need to be addressed, and they need to be addressed as quickly as possible before they grow out of control.  

God tells us that, if possible, as far as it depends on us, we are to live at peace with everyone. (Romans 12:18)  Living in peace does not always mean to avoid conflict and confrontation, and if we have done something that causes turmoil in someone else's life, God wants us to go to that person and make it right.   

"Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift.  Settle matters quickly with your adversary who is taking you to court. Do it while you are still together on the way, or your adversary may hand you over to the judge, and the judge may hand you over to the officer, and you may be thrown into prison." (Mathew 5:23-25)

God gives us explicit instructions on how to fix things before they escalate and cause further damage. Not only does He want us to fix things, He wants them fixed quickly. When things are left broken or unresolved, Satan is left with room to further work against us.  

Now of course we have no control over how others choose to respond in a given situation.  After I had done everything that I knew to do to try and resolve things at this church, I felt that I had no choice but to leave.  I remember that the last service I attended (for a very long time) was on Valentines day of 2009 (nearly 6 months after our healing). The main pastor preached on the subject of love.  It was a great message, but as you can imagine, it was hard for me to sit through this after the way I had been treated in this church.  He closed by saying that if there was one thing he hoped people would say about this church, it would be that they loved people.  I had a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach as he was talking.  ...If only he knew.

Eventually, I did have a brief conversation with the main pastor.  After several months had gone by without my hearing anything from him about our healing, I finally sent him a personal letter.  In this letter, I enclosed a picture of Kaylee.  I wanted him to see that she was a real person with a real testimony!  I closed the letter by saying: I need for you to understand that your response to our healing will always be a part of Kaylee's testimony.  Right now when people ask me how you responded, I have to tell them that you didn't respond.  

A very long time passed, but I finally received a phone call from him.  When I answered the phone, I was so shocked when he told me who it was, it might as well have been the president of the United States on the other end of that phone.  It was extremely rare to have this opportunity.

I began by telling him that I knew there had been a lot of controversy surrounding our healing, but that I did not want to focus on that.  I told him that I mainly wanted him to know how God had used him to lead me every step of the way, all the way down to the final sermon on healing (the day before my birthday).  I also wanted him to know how God had used his church and the time of prayer and fasting in January and August. By the sound of his voice and his response to me, you would have never known there was any controversy at all.  In fact, he sounded thrilled to hear about it and even told me that I had just made his day.  He closed in prayer, thanking God for Kaylee's life and for what God had done for our family.  

Again, it was bizarre to receive this response (although very late) from the main pastor, while I was continuing to be so harshly accused by others within the church.  I didn't really know what to think. When I had mentioned the controversy surrounding our healing, he hadn't questioned me or acted surprised, so I felt sure that he knew about it. I could only hope that he was being upfront and completely honest with me about how he felt.

Sometimes I think back and wonder if I should have questioned him further.  Because of things that happened since, I often wish that I would have asked him if he felt I had done anything wrong. But at the time I was trying hard not to be negative in any way. I did not want him to think that I was the person I was being accused of in secret OR a lady "sent by the devil to try to cause division." I wanted him to know, more than anything else, that I was grateful! ...And I was.

I also eventually had a meeting with Jackie and her husband.  I asked for this meeting because I truly believed that they were good people who had been deceived about me.  (I still believe they are good people.) This meeting did not go well, however. From the very start, I felt I was being harshly judged and scrutinized.  Jackie's husband looked at me at one point and said, "My spirit is sensing all kinds of things right now" (things about me).  "I sense fear," and then he looked me dead in the eye and added, "and pride!"  From that point on, it was hard for me to think about anything else. I was truly bewildered.  How was I being prideful? I was doing everything in my power to remain gentle and humble, when I really wanted to tell them how wrong they had been to continually accuse me of manipulating.  But I never pointed out any of the things I felt they had done wrong. I only continually defended myself for their accusations against me. I wanted my name cleared of any wrongdoing surrounding our testimony and healing. I did not want Jackie to believe I had manipulated her in any way!

At one point during this meeting Jackie asked me if I was a member of the church when I had asked for prayer for Kaylee (she obviously already knew the answer) and if I had been tithing to the church at that time. I honestly couldn't believe she was asking me this.  Why did this matter? Again, I defended myself, explaining why I had never joined the church.  But I also let her know that I had in fact been tithing to the church during that time (although that shouldn't have mattered at all). What if I hadn't been a Christian at the time I had asked them to pray for Kaylee? What if I had been a new Christian who didn't understand about tithing? Or what if I had been tithing to the church where my membership was (which I had done for a while)? How could these questions even cross their mind as relevant to Kaylee's healing?  Could they not see that these were the kinds of questions a Pharisee would have asked? Jesus didn't care about any of those things when he healed people.  

At this point, I was ready to RUN back to my humble, Methodist church and never look back. Yet, there was still one huge problem that remained. Our testimony was now forever linked to this church.  Satan had managed to taint our testimony with lies and stir up dissension, beyond anything I would have thought possible, with those involved.  How was I going to share what God had done for us now that this church was rejecting it and rejecting us?  If anyone was to ask them about our healing or about me, I was afraid of what their response would be. This left me afraid to share our testimony openly. Needless to say, all of this left me feeling very dejected.  

Now if I had been on the outside looking in or if I was reading this story in the Bible, it would have been easy to be assured of the final outcome. Surely God would not let Satan have the victory concerning our testimony! Yet, when you are in the middle of it and walking it out, and when it continues on for YEARS, you start to question yourself.  You start to doubt. You sometimes wonder if God has forgotten about you. You also see your weak and poor responses in certain situations and wonder if you might have messed things up along the way. 

For the next couple of years, I stayed away from the church (for the most part), but I continued to participate in the time of fasting in January and the time of prayer in August.  Eventually Pastor Stan left the church for another position.  Once he was gone, I hoped that it might be possible for us to come back to the church. While that may sound crazy to some after the way I was treated, I was still drawn to the powerful messages coming out of Birmingham (I had continued to watch them online throughout this time). This church was very large, and I hoped that this small group of people who had turned against me were not representative of the entire church. I also continued to feel that God had a calling on my life in the area of physical healing, and because this church shared my viewpoint concerning disease and healing, I still believed this church had something that I needed.   



...I tried to put things behind me and make an effort one last time.






   



    

Our Story, Part Forty-one (The Deadly Power of The Tongue)

"But no human being can tame the tongue. 
It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. 
With it we bless the Lord and Father, 
and with it we curse men, 
who are made in the likeness of God."  

(James 3:8&9)

These blogs are becoming more and more difficult for me to write.  I don't like looking back on this time. I can't stand that our testimony takes this turn. I hate all of the lies, confusion and dissension that Satan was able to create in order to shut down our testimony.  Yet sometimes the only way we can expose the deeds of darkness (the things done in secret ) is to turn on the light. Once the light is on, all the ugliness and mess, that many would like to pretend isn't there, becomes visible. This is where I am in our story. It's a little like trying to clean out that closet that we have neglected for years. In the process, things will appear much uglier before getting better, but it is necessary in order to reach the greater goal.  So please bear with me as I continue to share this "mess." It will have a significant purpose in the end.  

I am not sure how I would have made it through the difficult years that followed Kaylee's healing had God not warned me, in so many different ways, that this "backfire" was coming.  I am grateful that I was given this foresight (even though I couldn't fully understand it at the time), so that I can look back in my moments of doubt and be assured that God has a greater purpose in it all. There is no doubt in my mind that He will have the final victory and that He will receive His due glory for our testimony!   

From the moment I started to believe for Kaylee's healing, it felt as though a spiritual battle was surrounding our lives. Although I had been terribly shaken through those years of hardship, God was faithful to sustain me and to rebuild my faith so that we could receive our miracle. Now that this part of the battle was behind me, I was facing a new battle altogether.  Now it seemed that Satan was using those years and the brokenness of our lives to discredit me and shut down our testimony. 

I feel that it is important to share that even as all of this dissension was taking place within the church, God was continuing to miraculously restore our lives. I cannot wait to share this later! Kaylee was getting better by the minute, and all of the beautiful prayers that had been prayed over our family on August 18th were continuing to be answered!      

Yet even though our lives were being restored in many ways, because of the brokenness, I was a member without honor in the church. Although I didn't even fully understand this at the time, Satan knew that he could use this against me. After all, he is a "pro" at causing division and dissension among God's people.  He has been doing this since the beginning of mankind.  Perhaps this is why God instructs us: 

"and the parts we think are less honorable we treat with special honor..." (I Corinthians 12:23) 

God knew there would be a tendency to dishonor and disregard the weaker members.  No matter how strong we may be in the beginning, when we are being "targeted" by our own body or immune system, it is depleting and debilitating. We were not meant to stand alone, but rather to function as a unit, a system, a Body.  We will never be the strong, fully-functioning Body God intended for us to be until we stop tearing down our own members and "parts."  

Although I no longer felt that I could trust Jackie, I still wanted a meeting to take place so that we could talk this out. I felt that if things were not addressed, they would continue to escalate.  Yet several more days went by and I still had not heard anything back from Jackie. I decided to send her another text message to ask if she had been able to set a time to meet. 

After sending this text message, I received this response: Perhaps Beverly needs to sit in on this meeting?

This text message raised numerous red flags for me. Why was she suddenly bringing Beverly's name up? This led me to believe that they were now talking about all of this with Beverly (Pastor Stan's relative who had sat in on my meeting with him.) I began to wonder how long this had been going on. If Beverly was involved, this meant that they likely knew about my meeting with Pastor Stan as well. There was a good chance that they had been told about his accusations against me. In fact, I now wondered if they had been talking with Beverly about me all along. Perhaps this would explain why Sally had been so confident when going to Erica with her own accusations against me?    

Now, of course, these were all assumptions on my part.  I am not saying whether my assumptions were correct at this time or not. I may never know. Yet, when things are continuing to be done in secret, you are left with little choice but to start looking for clues, signs, possible motives, etc. You become like a private investigator, looking around and suspicious of everything and everyone. This is never a good thing within a church! Yet what else was I to do? Nobody was being upfront with me! Naturally I no longer felt that I could trust anyone involved in the situation. I also suspected that this text message might be intended to intimidate me. I was not about to let them think that I was afraid of Beverly's presence at that meeting, regardless of her position in the church!    

I sent this text message back: That's fine. Whatever you think is best.

After I sent this text message, I did not receive a response back.  This led me to believe that I had been right about my original assumptions. Perhaps they had hoped that by throwing Beverly's name into it, I would back down? 


I waited a few more days, and when I still hadn't heard anything from Jackie, I sent her another text message asking again if a meeting time had been set up.  

This time, I received this response: No more Laura, NO MORE!

Although I probably shouldn't have been shocked by this, the "tone" of this text message (emphasized by ALL CAPS) still caught me completely off guard. Where was this sudden hostility coming from? What in the world was she talking about? No more WHAT?   ...And then it hit me! She thought I was manipulating her! I had forgotten about my new label.  She had clearly now been convinced, likely by Sally or Beverly, that I was trying to manipulate her concerning this meeting. 

Then came this text: You need to take this up with the one who has offended you and leave me out of it! 

I honestly couldn't believe that this had been turned back around on me again. How was it even possible?  I was the one who had been wronged here!  I was trying to ask for a meeting, hoping that we could be open, honest and upfront with one another for once. As I saw it, they were the ones being manipulative by not being honest and upfront with me. Jackie was still leading me to believe she had not said anything to Sally, but of course I knew this wasn't the case at all. With all the secrecy continuing on, how could any of this ever be resolved?  

Again, I tried to be honest: I just want a meeting so that this can be resolved. I wanted you to be there as a witness.  I don't understand what's going on. I am not manipulating you! 

YOU ARE MANIPULATING ME!  she immediately responded back.  

By now, I was on the verge of tears.  I couldn't believe that I was continuing to be treated with such disrespect.     

I sent one final text: Well that's your judgment, but it's not the truth.    

A few minutes went by and then I received this text message:  We love you Laura. Please know that we love you very much.   

It was all completely convoluted, and as crazy as it may sound, I think they truly believed that they were acting in love. I suppose they were treating me like you would treat a juvenile delinquent and showing me "tough love." In their minds, they were "rebuking and correcting" a sinful woman. Yet, there was nothing to accuse me of other than this twisted viewpoint that I was manipulating people for prayer and now for a meeting. No doubt, there were misunderstandings and false perceptions on their end (and possibly on mine as well) but how could these things ever be cleared up without open, honest communication and mutual respect? How do you defend yourself against these kinds of accusations? I was not living in any open, rebellious sin against God. There was nothing they could point fingers at in my life or accuse me of other than their judgment of my heart and motives. Yet it would seem that in their minds, I was as bad as someone who is practicing witchcraft (as Sally had indicated).  Only Satan could have made something as bizarre, crazy, and convoluted as this come out of our miraculous night. But somehow, he had done it.   

The following Sunday I received a text message from Jackie asking if I could meet at her house at 2 that afternoon.  Initially, I was glad, but as I began to ask questions, I realized what I was being set up for.  I had been the one to ask for this meeting, but they were now in complete control and were making sure that I knew this. Sally had managed to convince them of something, which had clearly let her off the hook and turned things back around on me (or possibly Erica). I didn't stand a chance. 

Our text messages went something like this:


Me:  Who is going to be at the meeting? 

Jackie: You, Erica, Sally and me, and possibly other witnesses. 

Me: Who are these other witnesses going to be?

Jackie: Do you want this resolved or not?

Me: Not if it's going to be done secretively and not if you can't be upfront with me about who will be there.  

Jackie continued to avoid my question and refused to tell me who would be at the meeting. By now, I was fed up with the on-going disrespect. I now saw them as a bunch of church "bullies" trying to intimidate me. There was no way I was going to walk into a room full of hungry lions waiting to devour me.  That may sound extreme on my part, but that was exactly how I felt in that moment. They were continually accusing me of manipulation, which is impossible to defend. If they refused to believe a word I said anyway, and if they were standing firm and confident in their own position (which it appeared that they were), it was of no use. I had no reason to believe that Sally was apologetic for what she had said about me, and it would turn out that I was right.  

Not long after this, Erica (who had not spoken with Sally) decided to send an email (which she also forwarded to me).  It was a humble email, in which she apologized for anything she might have said that could have possibly led to any misunderstanding. Erica had been open with Sally about my recent struggles and hardships, which had in turn been used against me. Naturally, she now felt bad for sharing anything about my personal life with Sally.

She then wrote: I no longer want to skirt around the real issue here. You have slandered Laura to me. You have said things to me about her that are judgments you have made based on limited knowledge.  

Although the email was bold and specific about what had been said, Erica let Sally know that she loved us all and that she wanted to move past this. She also told her that she regretted not standing up for me sooner.  

Sally then sent an email back to Erica (which she also forwarded to me). This email, which is still very upsetting to me when I look back on it, confirmed many of the things I had been told by Erica.  Sally admitted to giving the books "Boundaries" and "The Bait of Satan" to Erica to help give her understanding (about ME, and about our relationship). She went on to further explain her "concerns" about me, including her concern about my being present for the prayer for "Ashley."  
Sally did not apologize for the things that she said about me or retract anything.  She only let Erica know that these things should never have been repeated to me because I misunderstood her intentions. She wrote: This is what happens when words that are spoken between friends, in confidence, or even in a counseling setting, are repeated outside that setting...

Needless to say, it was very cruel and dishonoring for this email to be forwarded to me. 

I considered posting the entire email on this blog (just for clarity), but I don't want to pull everyone into this ugly mess. That is not my intent or motivation in sharing this part of our story. Although I still hope to be able to show this email to a pastor within this church one day (so that this doesn't happen to someone else), and I desire for my name to be cleared of all these charges against me, I still understand that my struggle is NOT against flesh and blood.  These are Satan's accusations against me, and my motivation for sharing this is for people to see the damage that is done when harsh judgments, gossip and secret talk are taking place within a church.     

I want to share a little of the ending of Sally's email so that you can see how things were left and how I was trapped with no way out:  

Jackie and I are both ready to put this behind us.  You indicated that you are.  I hope that Laura and Lee Ann (my mother) can, also.  No harm or malicious, spiteful activity was intended by ANYONE...so we each should be able to do as Jesus ask of us, FORGIVE...release it...and go on. I know I ask forgiveness for any misunderstanding I caused... and I extend forgiveness toward anything said about me.  There is no talking it out because it is a tangled web and simply becomes a conversation that is like a "dog chasing its tail" ...round and round with no resolve.  Forgiveness is the ONLY resolve and the only option the Bible gives us."   

So again, this is where I was left.  My only option was to forgive, while the accusations (Satan's accusations) against my character remained. I was simply to "forgive...release it... and go on."  IF there had been any way to truly put this behind me, I would have gladly done it!  But the ramifications remained; the damage to my reputation had already been done. I was continuing to live with the consequences. 
     
Because things were left unresolved, it continued to grow and spread within the church, even after I left. I suppose you could compare it to a weed being left in a beautiful flowerbed. Weeds must be dealt with quickly. They need to be pulled out and completely uprooted.  If not, they will get a deep hold, choking out the roots of the desired flowers, and robbing the soil of nutrients.  Or another analogy we could also use would be one that comes straight from the Bible.  A fire must be completely extinguished or it will continue to grow and spread...   

"The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole body, sets the whole course of ones life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell." (James 3:6) 

Because things were left unresolved, our story continues to get even worse from here...  

Our Story, Part Forty ("The Bait of Satan")

"So watch yourselves...
If your brother or sister sins against you,
rebuke them, and if they repent, forgive them.
Even if they sin against you seven times in a day
and seven times come back to you saying 'I repent,'
you must forgive them."
(Luke 17:3)

It is hard for me to look at "The Bait of Satan" book objectively after the way that it was presented to me and how it was used against me.  It still causes me to feel confused, and even condemned, every time I look through it. There are some good points and some truth in the book, which makes it all the more confusing for me. But from the perspective of someone who has counseled and worked with people who have been deeply wounded and severely abused, I find it's message to be extreme and harsh. 

I have had a very difficult time since pulling out this book again. It has stirred up so many emotions in me, and that has hindered me from being able to write. Tonight I was praying again and asking God where my block was and why I was having such a hard time moving forward.  After several days of praying this, I finally feel that God has helped me understand.  With that said, I want to make it very clear that I am not bitter or unforgiving over how I have been treated within this church. But I am hurt. I don't dwell on it, and it certainly does not consume my life, but because it has never been resolved, it's still there. The message of this book has caused me to become very guarded about my true feelings, but tonight God allowed me to feel the deep pain again. After having a good cry (which I have only done on one other occasion over this situation), I felt a release. I felt comforted, and I know that it's OK to feel hurt. My hope is that by sharing our story the schemes of the enemy against the church (particularly against the weaker, wounded and disregarded members) will be exposed. 

I feel like I need to go start a support group now, so that those of us who have been through similar situations can stand up, without shame, and profess: "My name is Laura. I am a wounded Christian." There is no condemnation in being on the receiving end of an offense.  There is no condemnation in feeling hurt or confused. There is no condemnation in wanting the truth to be made known.  It feels so freeing to finally be able to acknowledge this without the heavy condemnation that I have carried for so long!   

After I read through the page about false prophets and "wolves in sheep's clothing" (which had been heavily marked up), I continued to see other specific details noted, which seemed to be pertaining to my life. It was evident that Satan was using the issues of my past (my rear view mirror) against me. As I turned from page to page, these were the kind of things that were underlined or highlighted: 

"She had refused to forgive a relative and therefore could not be forgiven." 

"She is holding unforgiveness against her husband.  Tell her to forgive him." 

"When we filter everything through past hurts, rejections, and experiences, we find it impossible to believe God." 

"Love does not seek it's own. But hurt people become more and more self-seeking and self-contained. In this climate the love of God waxes cold." 

"Those who are in quarrels or opposition fall into a trap and are held prisoner to do the devil's will." 


As I continued on reading, it was chilling to realize that Satan was now using the shattered circumstances and broken relationships in my life, which he had caused in the first place, against me. It was evident from all that was marked up within this book that he wanted me to be seen as an offended, bitter woman, who was now "held prisoner to do the 'his' will." ("Satan-baited")

Not only that, as I continued to turn from page to page, I began to see that Satan had now set another trap for me through the very message this book contained. This personal attack (offense) was by far the worst I had ever faced, yet I now had the burden of proving that I was not an "offended" woman.  According to this book, if I was to respond in any way, other than to simply forgive and let it go, it would prove that I was "Satan-baited." 

"If you stay free from offense you will stay in God's will.  If you become offended you will be taken captive by the enemy to fulfill his own purpose and will. Take your pick." 

The more I read, the more condemned and trapped I felt. It didn't help that I was already in an extremely weakened state. The fiery arrows seemed to be coming from every direction. It felt as though Satan had craftily set this newest trap for me, and that he had already calculated and blocked off every route of escape. These were the kind of things highlighted throughout:

"The focus of offended Christians is inward and introspective. We guard our rights and personal relationships carefully.  Our energy is consumed with making sure no future injuries will occur. If we don't risk being hurt, we cannot give unconditional love.  Unconditional love gives others the right to hurt us."  


"We can divide all offended people into two major categories: 1. those who have been treated unjustly or 2. those who believe (this word was circled) they have been treated unjustly.  People in the second category believe with all their hearts that they have been wronged.  Often their conclusions are drawn from inaccurate information. Or their information is accurate, but their conclusion is distorted. Either way, they are hurt and their understanding is darkened.  They judge by assumption, appearance, and hearsay." 

Yes, most of my information was through hearsay and assumption, which according to this book, was further proof that I was working through "darkened understand" and suspicion. Yet this was all I had to go by because everything that was being said and done was in secret.  I hadn't been suspicious at all, but how could I not be now?  This book went on to indicate that this viewpoint of "self-preservation" was wrong as well, and meant my focus was "inward and introspective" which was blinding me to my own condition.


"Often those who are offended do not even realize they are trapped.  They are oblivious to their condition because they are so focused on the wrong that was done to them. They are in denial. The most effective way for the enemy to blind us is to cause us to focus on ourselves." 

"You never have to face your role, your immaturity, or your own sin because you see only the faults of the offender. Therefore, God's attempt to develop character in you by this opposition is now abandoned." 

The more I read, the more confused and condemned I felt about everything. It might stand to reason that I would have stopped reading the book, but I wanted to understand the growing case against me in this church. According to this book, not only was I not allowed to feel hurt (because being hurt is a root of bitterness, anger, hatred, etc), it also went further to say that I should never defend my position. I should only focus on the condition of my own heart.


"Often when we are offended we see ourselves as victims and blame those who have hurt us.  We justify our bitterness, unforgiveness, anger, envy, and resentment as they surface. Sometimes we even resent those who remind us of others who have hurt us.  For this reason, Jesus counseled, "Anoint your eyes with eye salve, that you may see (Rev. 3:18) ...See what? Your true condition!"   

" ... You will only repent when you stop blaming other people.  When we blame others and defend our position, we are blind." 

After reading through all of the things that had been marked throughout this book, I had a weak moment:  I was not the one in the wrong here! Who was really the one who had been taken captive to do the devil's will in this? Was it the slanderer or the one who was hurt and offended by it?  In my moment of anger, I sent Jackie an "incriminating" text message (which would later be used against me): 

I realize that I am in the flesh right now, but I am VERY offended that Sally is telling people that I am Satan-baited and handing out books marked up about me! She does not even know me! She is one of the leaders of this group and she should know better! This is slander!


Even before I sent this message, I knew that I should calm down and pray about it first (which was why I put that I was "in the flesh") But in that weak moment, I felt trapped, and I reacted without wisdom. I have learned the hard way, on more than one occasion, that it is never a good idea to react while I am still angry. God always has our best interest at heart. He understands when we are hurting, and He has great compassion for us when we have been wronged. But He also sees things we do not.  He knows the outcome and the greater purpose for everything we face. If we will draw our strength from Him in those weak moments, we can walk through anything the devil sets up for us. It was hard for me to see this in that vulnerable moment. 

It was truly a craftily designed trap and from one page to the next the condemnation kept coming.  
I felt condemned for having broken relationships in my life. I felt condemned for having hurts and wounds in my past. I felt condemned for being suspicious of people. I felt condemned because I was hurt over everything that was being done to me. I felt condemned that I wanted to defend myself. After reading through this book, I felt condemned for having feelings at all!  

The author makes the point that many Christians will never function properly in their calling because of the wounds and hurts that offenses cause. "They are handicapped and hindered from fulfilling their full potential." While this may be true for some people, it was not the case with me.  I was continuing to reach out to people.  I was trying to offer hope to the sick through our testimony. I was continuing to seek God's will for my life! But I was being hindered by the on-going consequences and damage caused by the offense itself (by the slander). There is clearly another side to this. 


So this became the new trap for me. If I admitted to being hurt or offended over the things that were being said about me, it proved that I was "Satan-baited." The more that time passed, without this being resolved, the worse it became for me because it proved that I was a bitter woman. Although the secret talk against me continued (even after years passed), I was simply to let it go and not be concerned with it, or it meant that I was unforgiving. I was expected to accept my new label as the manipulative, "Satan-baited", wolf (sent by the devil to cause division in the church) and to be fine with it.  But I wasn't fine. It wasn't okay. 

I felt cut off and isolated.  I didn't know who else in the church had been told things about me, so I began to keep to myself.  I didn't know how to act, yet I always felt I was being watched. (I forgot to mention in the previous blog that Sally had also told Erica that I was "inconsistent" in my behavior and worship in church.)   .... I felt that if I was friendly and nice to my accusers, it was seen as manipulation.  If I wasn't friendly or nice (which I really didn't want to be), it was proof that I was bitter and "Satan-baited." It was a horrible situation, and Satan had set it up so that I had no way out! 

Even the fact that I felt cut off and isolated in the church only brought more condemnation on me through this book:

"Offended people believe everyone is out to get them. With this attitude it is difficult for them to see areas in their own lives that need to change. They isolate themselves and conduct themselves in a manner that invites abuse."

"God never created us to live separately and independently of each other.  He likes it when His children care for and nurture each other.  He is frustrated when we sulk and feel sorry for ourselves, making everyone else responsible for our happiness. He wants us to be active members of the family. He wants us to get our life from Him. An isolated person seeks only his own desire, not God's. He receives no counsel and sets himself up for deception."  

It was all extremely frustrating because I didn't want to be isolated! I was being shunned. I wanted to be an active member! The author of this book was a pastor, and likely had no idea what it felt like to be in my position.  He had a position of respect and honor in the church.  It is the members who are without honor who are most likely to end up isolated and shunned.  Certainly a wounded or offended person can be used to do the devil's will IF they allow themselves to become bitter and full of hatred.  But a prideful person can just as easily be "taken captive" and used to do the devil's will. In fact, any of us can be used by the devil, on any given day, if we are not walking in love. 

Although I wasn't buying into the message of "The Bait of Satan" book myself, and I sensed that something just wasn't right, I began to see that a form of this message had already been infiltrated into this church. Anytime I tried to seek help for the on-going problem, I was told that I was unforgiving.  I was told that I was prideful. I was told that I was bitter.  I was told that I had animosity in my heart. I was told that it didn't matter what anyone thought or said about me; I should be coming to church only to worship God anyway. I was even told later by a pastor in the church (when the situation came up again years later) that I should apologize to Sally for being hurt over the situation. (I will give the details of all these events later).  Every time I asked for help, it was immediately turned back around on me. On top of everything else going on, I constantly felt that bucket load after bucket load of condemnation was being poured on my head.

I wanted the situation resolved and reconciled.  I knew that there must be a terrible misunderstanding somewhere (or possibly several) that would never be cleared up without communication.  Yet, all of my attempts to try and resolve the problem were viewed as unforgiveness on my part. I knew that Satan was behind it all, so why would I be content to leave things in this broken state? It was affecting my testimony. It was affecting my witness.  It was hurting my children. It certainly wasn't doing anything for my self-esteem! I was afraid to reach out to people in the church, and I knew that I would never be allowed to serve in any capacity with my "label."  I was eventually left with no other option but to leave the church, which broke my children's hearts.

According to this book, when anyone leaves a church with unresolved issues, they become a "spiritual vagabond."

"You then become a spiritual vagabond, wandering from place to place, suspicious and afraid that others will mistreat you.  Crippled and hindered in your ability to produce true spiritual fruit, you struggle in a self-centered life, eating the remains of the fruit of others."


So this was how I ended up in my current condition, with my true feelings heavily guarded. If I admitted to being hurt, according to this book, I was well on my my way to being "taken captive by the enemy to do his will." If I denied being hurt, but I really was, this meant I was "cloaked with pride." So what do you do? You're trapped either way.

One Sunday morning during this time, I received a text message from Jackie saying that she hoped I was planning to come to church and that she felt the message would really bless me. I decided I would go, but as soon as I realized that the sermon was on forgiveness, I wanted to get up and leave. From the moment the sermon began, I became tense, and I struggled to get through it. Because Jackie had encouraged me to come and hear this particular message, it felt like another judgment that I was a bitter, unforgiving woman. 

Toward the end of the sermon (which was coming out of Birmingham), Pastor Stan headed to the front of the church to dismiss us.  As he began to speak, I immediately looked down at my feet.  I didn't even want to look at him. That was when I realized that I was becoming angry again, and mainly with him.  I had been able to get over how he had treated me in our meeting, and had turned that over to God. But now I could see that his treatment of me had paved the way for others to treat me the way they were. He was the Shepard of this flock, and they were following his lead. 

"Oh God, please help me!" I prayed.  I don't even know how to not be angry over all of this!"  

In that moment, I did not feel any condemnation at all, only comfort.  I felt God's love and compassion for me, and I knew that He understood how I was feeling. I knew that I had to forgive Pastor Stan and all of the people involved, just as He has forgiven me, but I also knew that I had to have His help.  

After the service, I sent Jackie this text message: 
I am struggling to forgive someone in this church who has hurt me.  Please pray for me!"  (This text message would be used against me later as well.)

Jackie responded by letting me know that being hurt was a "root of bitterness." 

At this time, I still trusted Jackie, but that was all about to change.  A couple of nights later, Erica attended the small group one last time.  During this meeting, she recalls that there was a lot of talk about manipulation.  She told me that Sally kept saying over and over, "Manipulation is as witchcraft!"      

As Erica was leaving the group that night, Jackie went running after her to show her the text message I had sent her about being offended. It appeared that this was their final attempt to prove to Erica that Sally had been right about me. After this, Erica decided she had no choice but to drop out of the group. She finally explained to the two friends she had invited how I was being treated, and they decided not to go back either. 

Erica and I were struggling to know what to do, but I still wanted the meeting to take place with Sally and Jackie. I felt like if it wasn't addressed, it would only continue to get worse.  We were talking about this one day, and as I was explaining to her all of the confusion "The Bait of Satan" book had caused me, she stopped me and pointed something out to me that I hadn't noticed.  

She explained to me that she had stopped reading the book immediately after noticing that the very first verse he used had been taken out of the context it was intended.  

"When I saw that, I closed the book and put it down!" she said. 

At the beginning of the first chapter, was the following verse written just like this: It is impossible that no offense should come. - Luke 17:1  

She then pulled her Bible out so that I could read the second half of the verse for myself. I couldn't believe it!  No wonder he had to leave the second half of the verse out, I thought. Jesus had been saying something completely different. It wouldn't have fit the author's message at all. 

"Hand me the book," Erica said.  "I'll fill the rest in."  

"It is impossible that no offense should come...

BUT WOE to him THROUGH whom they come!"

(Luke 17:1, in its entirety) 

The complete message from Jesus (NKJV): Then He said to the disciples, “It is impossible that no offenses should come, but woe to him through whom they do come! 2 It would be better for him if a millstone were hung around his neck, and he were thrown into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones. 3 Take heed to yourselves. If your brother sins against you,[a] rebuke him; and if he repents, forgive him. 4 And if he sins against you seven times in a day, and seven times in a day returns to you,[b] saying, ‘I repent,’ you shall forgive him.”


  

Our Story, Part Thirty-nine (Wolf in Sheep's Clothing)

"Do not let unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed."


Ephesians 4:29-30

The Bible tells us in Mathew 18:15-17:  "If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you.  If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that every matter might be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church.."  Clearly God desires for us to make every effort to be reconciled to our brothers, even in the event that they have sinned against us. I noticed when I was reading through this passage, however, that there are no instructions on what to do if a church refuses to listen to you. After years of pleading for help and doing all that I know to do, I have been left with a very unsettling, tainted ending (at least for now) to what should have been a beautiful testimony.  I am now reaching out to the larger church (Body of Christ) with our story. I hope that as I continue to share my family's experience, people will understand how far things can go and how destructive it can be when malicious talk, the pointing finger and gossip are taking place within our churches.  Satan's desire is for us to self-destruct from within. (the auto-immune disease)  

"If you keep on biting and devouring each other watch out or you will be destroyed by each other." 

Galatians 5:1

After my experience with my friend and her daughter, it would be quite some time before I had the confidence to reach out to anyone in that way again.  I had devoted a great deal of my time to fasting and praying for Lauren, and for it to end up that way was very discouraging to me. I was beginning to understand just how much the division and dissension surrounding our healing had paved the way for Satan to discredit me and our testimony altogether.  I wonder how often beautiful testimonies are shut down by the schemes of the enemy within the church? 

I knew that my friend loved me and that she truly believed I was deceived, yet it was the talk about demons and "false signs and wonders" that was just too much for me.  It is one thing to disagree on the subject of healing within the Body, but quite another when people believe you are doing the enemy's work (even if it is unintentional).  Had this been the only thing I was dealing with at the time, it would have been easier to handle, but unfortunately, I was also continuing to receive "backfire" from within the church where Kaylee's healing had taken place.    

The secret talk that had begun against me, following Kaylee's healing, finally surfaced again through my small group (life-group) that I had signed up for in the month of January, 2009. This was the group Pastor Stan had "suggested" that I attend.  The purpose of these groups was to "bring encouragement and healing to hurting people", yet this experience turned out to be anything but an encouragement.  If I hadn't lived it myself, I wouldn't even believe it was possible for something of this magnitude to take place among God's children.  I had never in my life experienced such a flagrant, full-blown (auto-immune)/personal attack!   

Our group was led by two of the women who had played an active role in Kaylee's prayer service. As I mentioned in the previous blog, the leader (whom I will refer to as Jackie) had been the one who had pulled Kaylee's prayer service together on my birthday. Sally (a lady I also mentioned in a previous blog) was co-leading the group.  Although she had already said some questionable things about me to Erica (among other things, she told Erica that the Holy Spirit checked her about hearing my testimony because she was vulnerable without her spiritual protection), I was not yet aware of any of this.  Otherwise, I am not sure I would have walked into that situation. Erica had pulled back from Sally since that time, but I believe she was hoping that if Sally could get to know me better through this group, she might possibly change her mind about me.    

The story I am about to share involves a suicide attempt, therefore I am going to be as vague as I can with the details.  
  
Erica and I rode together to our first small group meeting.  On our way, we were both feeling very heavy over a situation concerning a young teenager (a relative of Erica's; I will call her Ashley) As with many teenagers this day in time, we felt that Ashley was being heavily targeted by the enemy and was possibly in a great deal of danger.  

"Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour."  I Peter 5:8

As we drove up to Jackie's house that first night, I remember feeling both a sense of urgency and a sense of relief.  Although it was hard to put this serious situation out of our minds, we felt that we were in the best place we could possibly be (surrounded by our sisters-in-Christ). Things had been especially hard on both of us, following Kaylee's healing, and we were both desperately needing some encouragement and support. 

Erica didn't feel that we should share this particular prayer request with the entire group, so we decided we would wait until most of the women had left and then approach Jackie or Sally to see if we could arrange a time to pray with Ashley.  We were hoping that we could get Jackie's daughter (the college student who had prayed the beautiful, powerful prayers for Kaylee the night of her healing) to pray with Ashley as well. Not only was her daughter a powerful prayer warrior, we also felt that she would be a great Christian example and role model for Ashley to meet.   

Erica and I hung around after the first meeting (which we both thoroughly enjoyed) hoping we would get a chance to speak with either Jackie or Sally alone. While Jackie was tied up saying goodbye to her guests,  Erica was able to pull Sally aside and ask if they would meet with us to pray for Ashley.  After the two of them talked a few minutes, they came out to talk with Jackie.  I don't remember the details of how it was brought up to Jackie, but I remember being very surprised that she was hesitant about praying for Ashley. 

Knowing what I do now, things are a little more clear. If Jackie and Sally had been told that we had manipulated them to pray for Kaylee, perhaps they believed that we were trying to manipulate them for prayer again? As bizarre as that may sound, nothing was making any sense at this time.  Although I knew that Pastor Stan and Beverly believed this to be true, I was not aware that anything had been said to Jackie or Sally. I decided that perhaps they just didn't fully understand the urgency of the situation, so I proceeded to explain.  

"I have seen situations like this in my own family, and I know where it can lead. She needs to be prayed over immediately," I pleaded.  "I believe she's in great danger!" 

With this, Sally glanced at me with a look of displeasure.  She then proceeded to explain (something to the effect of) how we did not need to be speaking out of fear and that God had the situation completely under His control. 

Jackie appeared to be struggling with what to do, but I continued to reiterate (for Erica and Ashley's sake) the urgency.  After everything that Erica had done for Kaylee, in that moment, I felt that I owed it to her.  In fact, it felt very familiar to what we had struggled with concerning Kaylee's life. If God has everything completely under His control, and our prayers are not a factor, why does He instruct us (in Ephesians 6:18): "And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and request. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints." What about when the "day of evil" comes? (Ephesians 6:13)  God is Sovereign over all, but He still requires our participation in this sinful, fallen world. I certainly wasn't doubting God in any way.  On the contrary, I was trying to rally everyone to call on His intervention concerning Ashley's life! ...All of this, however, would later be misinterpreted as my "not speaking words of life" into the situation.

In hindsight, I wish I would have just dropped it. If a person does not want to pray, it's a waste of time to push the issue.  But at the time, I felt like Satan was scheming and causing confusion again. After all, who else, but Satan, would want to keep us from praying? 

After a few minutes, Jackie finally agreed to have us over the following morning to pray for Ashley. She also agreed to call on her daughter. I was extremely thankful that she had come around. I tried not to put too much thought into what had just taken place between Sally and me. Again, I just figured it was the schemes of the enemy to try and stop us from praying.    

We met at Jackie's house the next morning and brought Ashley along with us. I was so happy to see that Jackie had asked her daughter to join us also, and she had found some perfect scripture to read to us as we began our time of prayer.  Within only a few minutes of being in Ashley's presence, my heart was so heavy that I began to cry - weep from deep within - for her.  The feeling that I had this day is hard for me to put into words. I have always been told that I have the gift of mercy, which also causes me to be very sensitive to what other people are feeling.  Often times, when I am in the presence of someone in who is hurting deeply, I genuinely feel their pain.  Honestly, it can be a difficult burden to carry at times.  I was so burdened on this day that I could not even bring myself to pray aloud (which was very unusual for me). The other women prayed for Ashley, and I prayed silently as I agreed with each one of their prayers.    

The following day, Ashley attempted suicide. Clearly the danger I had been sensing was not unwarranted, and thankfully her attempt was not successful.  We praise God that her life was spared that day!  God is still in the process of restoring her life today, and although there were some difficult years that followed our time of prayer that day, I know that every prayer we lifted up to God was heard and was meaningful in her life.  Often times our prayers may appear to go unanswered in the moment, but this should not ever keep us from praying.   

Although this did not happen until later, I feel that I need to mention this part of the story. Several weeks following Ashley's suicide attempt, Erica received a phone call from Jackie.  She told Erica that the Holy Spirit had checked her when we asked her to pray for Ashley, and that she should not have allowed the time of prayer to take place. She then asked Erica if she would forgive her. I was sitting in the car with Erica when she received this phone call, and we were both shocked.  Why would anyone apologize for praying for someone? (and to the person who had asked for prayer)  ....Again, bizarre. 


A few days after Ashley's suicide attempt, Sally called Erica with some of her concerns about me. This time she was neither subtle nor discrete. According to Erica, she began by telling her that I had a "form of godliness but denied God's power."  She went on to explain to her that I did not speak "life."  She then told Erica that she should not have brought me along for the time of prayer for Ashley, because all I did was sit there and cry.  "It would have been better if I had not been there at all." she continued. (She later explained this further in an email which we still have.)  

Erica was in shock and really did not know what to say or do, but Sally continued on pointing out the "pattern in my life" (my rear view mirror) indicating that this should clue Erica in as to my spiritual condition.  She added that I should stop expecting people to always do things for me and that I needed to start helping other people in need.    
To this Erica quickly jumped to my defense. Although I have many weaknesses, that Erica can attest to, not reaching out to help others in need was not one of them.  Erica got off the phone as quickly as she could, and now tells me that she regrets that she allowed it to go on as long as it did.  But honestly, I am grateful to know some of what was being said about me in secret. 

Erica had no idea what to do following this phone call. She felt that if she let me know about it, it would possibly send me spiraling back downward. She knew what a hard time I was already having. She carried this for several days, asking God to show her how to best handle it.  During this time, we attended another small group meeting with my being completely in the dark about what was going on.  

In the meantime, I believe that God was trying to prepare me. During my time of prayer and Bible study, I kept coming across verses about slander, gossip, and malicious talk, and how serious this is to God (all of the things He had shown me concerning my own tongue prior to Kaylee's healing - the message of Isaiah 58). Finally, He took me to a verse in the book of Revelation (a book of the Bible that I rarely read) and as I read it, I felt God was speaking directly to me.  Through these verses (which I am going to keep in my heart), He let me know that He was seeing everything that was taking place, and that He knew I had little strength left. He also let me know that He would cause my enemy's to come to me one day and acknowledge that He loved me. 

In that moment, it honestly felt as though God was standing there before me speaking these words, and I understood that something bad was being stirred up against me (by the enemy).  But the next day I wasn't so sure anymore.  

I drove to Erica's and told her about my experience. I will never forget the look of shock on her face as I shared this with her:

"I think God might be trying to warn me about something," I said. "But I really don't know for sure." 

Erica continued to sit there not saying a word as I read the verses to her.  I then asked her, "Do you think that Pastor Stan is talking about me to people in the church?" 

With that, Erica spilled it all. "If he is, he's not the only one." she said. "You're exactly right! That is what is going on! I just didn't know how to tell you."  

As she began to tell me everything that Sally had been saying, I was completely shocked! I had not suspected anything like that at all. I understood why she had hesitated to tell me. It was such a personal attack and almost too much for me to handle at that time.  I was literally shaking because it all felt so evil. (Again, I know that our struggle is not against flesh and blood)

After I got over the shock, I was angry!

"Wait a minute, I'm the one denying God's power? How is that? I am the one going around telling everyone what God did for Kaylee! They are the ones who don't believe it! ....And I'm the one not speaking "life"? What about all those terrible things she is saying about me? She is suppose to be our life-group leader! She should know better!"  

By the time I got home, I had calmed down a bit, and I just felt weak, extremely weak. I didn't know what to do or how to handle it. I felt extremely vulnerable because I did not have a husband around to defend me.  In fact, I felt pretty sure that all of this wouldn't be going on if I did.  I couldn't turn to the pastor because he was angry with me as well.  I wasn't even certain that he was not somehow involved in the talk against me.  I couldn't turn to the pastors in Birmingham because they already thought I was trying to stir up trouble.  Who was going to believe me?

I decided that the best thing for me to do was to confront Sally myself, but I did not want to do it alone.  I didn't trust her.  I didn't trust that she wouldn't twist my words to others, and tell them that I had said something I did not.  At this point, however, I still trusted Jackie.  I didn't even have the strength in that moment to pick up the phone and call her, so I sent her a text message first.  Here was the series of initial texts between us (to the best of my recollection):

Me: Hey Jackie, Can I ask you a question?

Jackie: Sure

Me: Have you been saying negative things about me to other people in the church?

Jackie: No. Why would you think that?

Me: Because Sally has. I wanted to make sure you weren't involved.

Jackie: Who told you that? I am sure that is not true.

Me: She has been saying things to Erica. Erica told me about what has been going on. 

Jackie: I really need to call Sally and talk to her about this.  I am sure there was a misunderstanding.

Me: Please don't call her yet.  I need to pray about how to handle this first.  Can I call you tomorrow?

Jackie: Yes.  I feel terrible about all of this. I am sure something was misunderstood.

Of course, I knew there was no misunderstanding, but I could understand why Jackie needed to believe there was.  After all, these were my two life-group leaders, and Erica and I were members of their group.  No pastor was going to be okay with that taking place within one of their groups. Suddenly, I felt very foolish.  I began to wonder who else in the group had been told these things about me.   

I talked with Jackie the next day on the phone. During that conversation, she asked me again if she could talk to Sally about this.  I told her that she could, but I would rather her not.  I then asked her if she could arrange a meeting with Sally, Erica, and I, and if she would sit in on it to be a witness. At that time, she agreed that she would.  

At some point during the next week, I told my mother about what had happened.  She had become acquainted with Sally. (She met her at Kaylee's prayer service and had attended a Bible study led by Sally), and without my knowledge, she called Sally and confronted her about it.  After this, she called Erica and told her that she had talked with Sally.  Although I appreciated that she had jumped to my defense, I was upset that this had happened because I had wanted to confront Sally myself without giving her time to prepare her defense.

When my mother came to my house the next day, we talked about it. 

"I'm really sorry," she explained. "I was just so upset, I couldn't stand it.  I wanted her to know that you didn't need this right now with everything else you have going on in your life!"

"What did she say to you?" I asked her.

"She just kept saying you are Satan-baited."

Naturally, hearing this got me upset all over again. 

"Satan-baited? What does that even mean? I have never even had a conversation with this lady! How is it that she thinks she knows so much about me?"    
My mother felt bad that she had called her without asking me first, and even worse that she had upset me even more.  But it turned out to be very important that I get that piece of information.

Erica felt that she had no choice but to continue to go to the small group because she had invited two other women to join the group. But I let her know that there was no way I was going back.  Although it bothered me a little that she was going, I understood why she felt she needed to.

The next day, I dropped by her house, and I saw a book sitting on her coffee table.  It was entitled, "The Bait of Satan."

"Where did you get this book?" I asked!

"Sally gave it to me last night at the small group," she told me. 

I grabbed it off the table.  "This is suppose to be about me! She told my mother that I was Satan-baited! What did she say when she gave it to you?"

"She didn't say anything.  She just handed me the book as I was leaving." 

I asked Erica if I could take the book home to look through it (I still have the book). When I got home that night, I sat down and went from one page to the next.  The entire book was marked up from cover to cover, things underlined, asterisks, highlighted, circled and even written in the margin that were clearly pertaining to my life. 

I still get a chill down my spine when I think back to the most shocking part of all. I turned over to a page entitled: False Prophets... underneath it read -Wolf in Sheep's Clothing - (Which was underlined several times). This page had more marks than any other.  I glanced down and saw something else that had been circled: They have a form of godliness but deny God's power ... there was then an asterisk beside: from such people, TURN AWAY.