Our Story, Part Sixteen (The Hidden Powers of this Dark World)

"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power.  Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes.  For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of the dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms."

Ephesians 6:10-12

Perhaps it was just a coincidence, but it was not long after my husband left that a family (or perhaps several families) of bats decided to move into our house with us.  We had bats flying through the house, crawling through the house, and once when I walked into the laundry room, one was hanging upside down from the ceiling.  There was one night that we had to literally run from the house and escape to a hotel because there were several flying around the house.  It was absolutely horrifying!  If you have ever seen a bat, up close and personal,  you would understand why they are associated with haunted houses.  When they hiss at you, it is truly like something out of a horror movie!  I am not suggesting that these bats were sent from Hell to torment our family, (although it did cross my mind after everything else) I am simply trying to give you a visual of the atmosphere within our home. 

We tried to get help to get these bats out of the house, but were told that there was little that could be done.  They had apparently found a small opening in the attic and were coming and going as they pleased.  We were told that if this opening was closed off, the bats remaining in the house would die and that the odor would be unbearable.  We were also told that it was around mating season, so it was likely that there were baby bats somewhere that were not yet ready to leave, yet still needed to be fed.  In addition to this, because bats were an endangered and protected species, they were not allowed to go in and kill them. (All of this information came from a bat specialist that was called in.) 

All we could do, during this time, was to try and keep them confined to the attic, yet throughout the remainder of our stay in this house, we never knew when a bat might show up.  One night we were all sitting around talking, and we looked over and saw one sitting there on the fireplace (like he was part of the family).  As you can imagine, all of this greatly intensified the eeriness of this house!  

My husband and I had made a decision, after he left, that it was best that we separate.  I truly believed that my husband had destroyed his career with the choices he had made.  Not only that, he had completely lost my trust and I saw very little hope for our marriage to be reconciled.  It was a few weeks after he left (although it felt like an eternity) that I received a phone call from him saying that he had joined the army.  I was completely shocked by this and had no idea what to think.  This would turn out, however, to be the move that would save our family!  

Once my husband started into basic training, later that summer, he began sending most all of the money back to us.  He was able to do this because most of his needs were provided for there.  Also, we now had good medical insurance once again.  I will always believe that my husband's deepest heart's desire was to be able to adequately provide for his family.  Yet over time, when this ability had been stripped away from him, over and over again, he became a very angry man.  This anger took everything to an entirely different level, thus the destruction began.  There was really nothing that I could do to stop the downward spiral, except to pray.

I do not feel that God let me down, nor do I believe  that God ever willed or desired for things to go in the direction they did.  These things were a result of my husband's free will and choices.  I don't think he had any idea or understanding of where this anger would take him or of what he was subjecting his family to.  As the song by Casting Crowns goes, it's a slow fade.  Although I do not think there is any denying that we were in a "spiritual battle" at the time (which many families go through), I truly believe that God would have "lifted us up" in due time had my husband put his trust and faith in God during those times.  I believe that God gave him many chances to do so (and God hasn't given up on him yet).  

If you will remember, God had sent me to warn my husband in the beginning with this verse: "Be alert and of sober mind.  Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.  Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings."  I Peter 5:8-10   ....I truly believe that the enemy comes after every marriage and family, but especially those who are trying to live for God.  He looks for any opening or weakness to make his target, and he is relentless in his pursuit.  Our enemy (the devil) is real, and although we have nothing to be afraid of, if we stand firm in truth and live a righteous life (to the best of our ability), we have a great deal to be afraid of if we turn away from God and allow sin to reign in our lives, especially deep, dark, secretive sin.  This was something that God was about to open my eyes to  .....the hidden powers of this dark world.  (Ephesians 6) 

As I get into the next part of our story, I feel a need to warn you that this is not a comfortable subject.  It is not something I enjoy talking about, nor is it something I think about often.  However, I think it is something that we all need to be aware of and something that God needed for me to understand during this time. 

Shortly after my husband moved out, we moved my oldest daughter, Brooke, into the room he had been staying in.  It wasn't long after this that she began struggling in many areas.  She suddenly began to have crying spells that seemed to come out of nowhere.  Although it is not uncommon for teenage girls to be emotional from time to time, I felt that there was something about this that just wasn't normal.  It did not make sense.  Yet, because I also knew that all of my children had been affected in different ways to their father being gone and all that had happened, it never occurred to me that this might have something to do with her moving to this room.  ....until one night, I had a dream.

In this dream,  I remember that I was in the yard of the house I had grown up in (back in Trussville).  I have no idea why this was the scene in my dream or if there was any significance to this at all.  I remember that I was looking around for Brooke, and that from a distance, I spotted her in the driveway with my friend, Erica, who appeared to be praying with her.  I started to walk toward them, then suddenly noticed that Brooke was surrounded by demons!  I remember screaming and waking up to the sound of my scream! 

This dream really shook me up for a moment, and my heart felt as if it was beating out of my chest for several minutes.  I have no idea how I was even aware that it was demons that were surrounding Brooke in my dream, because obviously, I have never actually seen a demon.  Yet, somehow I had known.  What I saw (very briefly) surrounding Brooke, resembled tiny squids or an octopus, with tentacles going everywhere!  Once my heart stopped racing, I decided that this was nothing more than a bad dream and did not think any more of it that day.

Naturally, I did not mention this dream to Brooke or anyone for that matter.  Yet, later that same night, as Brooke and I were leaving Walmart, out of nowhere, she said to me, "Mama, I think there is something evil in my room."  I don't recall asking her any questions at that time about details or about what she meant because I was in shock and immediately connected this with my dream! 

Prior to this, I never thought about things like this or wanted to believe these "things" still existed today.  Although demons are mentioned all throughout the Bible, I honestly didn't think it was relevant today. 

I immediately called my friend, Joyce, and told her about the dream and about what Brooke had said.  She agreed that I needed to talk with a pastor and find out what to do, so she called her pastor, Bro. Steve Scoggins, from First Baptist Opelika, and asked if he would be willing to meet with us.  As I have explained in previous blogs, my most recent experiences meeting with pastors had not gone well, and I was not about to go alone to any pastor, especially to discuss this topic!  So Joyce agreed to go with me.  

I did not know what to expect or if he would think I had completely "lost my mind" at the possibility of a demon (or evil spirit) being in our home.  To my surprise, he was very receptive to us, and let me know that this was not the first experience he'd had with this subject matter.  He seemed to understand how real all of this was.  After we explained everything to him, he felt that I first needed to get rid of the home computer, the one that my husband had been up on late at night.  

I was so desperate to get whatever this was out of my house, that I went straight home and threw out a perfectly good working computer!  Having bats in the house was one thing, but evil spirits was quite another!  I also prayed often in this room, and things did seem to get better for Brooke after this.  

Several years later, I was talking with Brooke and  she said to me, "Do you remember that time I saw a demon in my room?"  This was the first time she had ever mentioned what it was that she saw or why she had said what she did on that night.  She then told me that she had seen it over by her closet.  When I asked her again, "What made you think it was a demon? "  ...she hesitated a minute, then said, "Maybe it was just a spider."  

Also, Kaylee (our discerning child) later told me that she always hated the closet in that room.  She told me that anytime she saw that it had been left open, she would go and close it.  She explained to me that it always gave her a bad feeling. 

God was clearly trying to get my attention, because around this same time, this unlikely subject was brought to my attention again.  One day I ran into a lady (I will refer to her as 'Evonne' in this blog for confidentiality purposes) who had been in the battered women's shelter when I worked there, eleven years earlier.  It was very unusual for me to ever see these ladies after they left the shelter, and I had not seen her in all of this time.  Evonne had been one of my favorite ladies to come through the shelter and I had loved her dearly.  As I inquired about her life and how she was doing these days, she confessed to me that things were not going well at all.  In fact, she had just recently lost her job, her car was broken down, and all of her utilities had been shut off.  

My heart went out to her so much because I could  identify with where she was, and there was no way that I could leave her in that situation (as I might have done at one time).  I knew that somehow we needed to help her!  So I invited her to come stay at our house until she could get back on her feet.  She came to live with us for a brief time, and during this time, she ministered to us! 

The first night, we all sat around and talked with her.  She was such an incredible joy, even in the midst of all she was going through, and she had many stories to share with us about what God had done for her.  We stayed up until the wee hours of the morning listening to her, and before she went to bed, she prayed the sweetest prayer of blessings over me and my children.  Some of the things she prayed amazed me because it was as if she knew things that she couldn't possibly have known.  At the end of the prayer, she even thanked God for the new house He was going to bring to me one day (one of the deepest aches of my heart).

The next day, I drove her out to her trailer in Beauregard (just outside of Auburn).  I could barely breathe, as we walked in, from the stench that had been caused from the power and sewage being cut off in the middle of the hot summer.  As I looked around, I could see that she lived a very impoverished life, yet she seemed to have made the best of it.  She was living the life that I had feared the most, yet she could not stop talking about how good God had been to her!  Needless to say, it was all very humbling for me to see.  

Not only were her daily struggles extremely difficult, her youngest son (whom I had counseled with while they were in the shelter) was now in prison.   I couldn't even begin to imagine how difficult that was for a mother.  Yet, it wasn't that uncommon within her circle of friends, and it was something that she had learned to accept.  Her only heart's desire for him now was that he would come to know Jesus Christ as his personal Savior so that he would one day be in Heaven with her.  She shared many letters with me that they had written to one another, and it broke my heart.  

The next night, as we gathered again to talk with her, she told me the story of how God had rescued her from the dark life of sex and drugs she had once lived.  Not only that, she told me (as though this was a common topic of conversation) how she had been "delivered" of a demonic spirit that had tormented her for a long time.  As she sat there sharing this story with us, there was no doubt in my mind that God had sent her to our home.  He clearly wanted me to understand the true dangers associated with these deep, dark sins.  Although it was an extremely uncomfortable subject for me, I paid close attention to what she said and I believed every word.  She went on to explain to me how she believed that it was drugs (Heroine) and prostitution that had subjected her to evil spirits and this made sense to me.  Suddenly, many things began to make sense.

Surprisingly, all of this talk about the spiritual realm and evil spirits did not make me afraid, it only made me more aware.  It made me look at the world a little differently.  As my children have grown, not only have I emphasized to them the danger of deep, dark sin (pornography, drugs, sexual sin, etc), I have emphasized the danger of even being in an environment where it is going on.  

From the things that Evonne shared with me, it sounded as though her life had been surrounded by evil from the time she was born.  She had been molested by a family member as a very young child and exposed to pornography and things that were unimaginable to me!  It was as if she had been "set up," from the beginning, to fall into a life of deep, dark sin as an adult.  Yet, God had rescued her, time and time again, and she was beyond grateful to Him!  She was an incredible blessing to our family during her short stay with us, and I was humbled just to be in her presence!  I am so glad to know that, when we get to Heaven one day, the last will be first!  I know that God has a special place waiting for those like her!  

Before Evonne left, we were able (with the help of AUMC) to get all of her utilities cut back on, help her find a job, and the children and I even came up with the money to get her car working again.  Here we were, only two months out of our own crisis, and God was able to use us!  The beautiful thing was that my children were able to experience the gift of helping someone else in need.  I know that all of this will have lasting effects on them, and had it not been for my own crisis, I don't know if I would have been willing to take Evonne into our home.  I most likely would have offered to pray for her and left it at that.  Once you have experienced the pit, however, it forever changes how you view things. You know how real and frightening it is!  You also remember how critical and life-saving it was for God to send those who were willing to reached down to help pull you out!   

I hope that my children will always remember what God's word says:  "If anyone has material possessions and sees his brother in need but has no pity on him, how can the love of God be in him?  Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth."  I John 3:17&18.

For so long, I had sought after many wrong things for my children.  I believed that by giving them the things I had lacked as a child, they would be fulfilled and happy.  I still struggle to this day with worldliness, but am learning to trust that God knows so much better than I do what they really need to grow into all that He has for them.  I wouldn't trade many of our experiences (such as this one) for anything.  My children have truly seen the power of God!  ...."I have no greater joy than to hear that my children are walking in the truth."  III John 1:4

Although God had revealed to me the true danger of the darkness my family had been subjected to, He had also shown me the necessity and power of my persistent prayers throughout that time!  God had rescued the children and me and kept us safe.  In His mercy, he had now also given my husband an honorable way to redeem himself.  As my husband began to send the money back to us, things slowly began to turn around.  

As it would turn out, I did not have to go back to work full time, after all.  Although I know it is possible to work full time and be a mother, my circumstances were unique and challenging, and God knew this.  I would now be able to take care of Kaylee and all the things I needed to do as a mother to six children!  This was nothing short of a miracle!  Who else, but God, could have orchestrated this?  God knew that there was nothing more important to me than to be a mother and to focus on raising my children, and somehow He made a way!   

Our Story, Part Fifteen (Our Hope)

"But those who hope in the Lord shall renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary.  They will walk and not be faint"

Isaiah 40:31

About a month after Kaylee had been discharged from the hospital, following her diagnoses of  Crohn's disease, we had taken a trip to the beach with some close friends.  This had been a particularly hard trip for Kaylee for many reasons.  First of all, she was still very weak and not feeling well.  She was adjusting to all of the medication that she had to take 4 times a day.  Also, we had just begun preparations for the diet we were about to begin through Dr. Robbins.  Although we had decided to wait until after this trip to begin the juicing and other strict regimen, she had begun taking the supplements (flax oil, probiotics, digestive enzymes) and trying to eat healthier.  All of these sudden life changes had been a lot for her to process at such a young age.  

At that time, it felt to us as through her life would never be the same.  We could no longer just come and go without having to plan and revolve our lives around pills.  Yet, even with all of these new changes, she had been dealing with something that would be very traumatic to almost any young girl.  The high amounts of Prednisone (steroids) she had been put on for the treatment of this disease had caused her to "blow up" (almost beyond recognition).  This had been particularly difficult for Kaylee, as she had always been told (even by strangers) how pretty she was.   I think that because people had complimented her so often on her appearance, she found much of her identity in this.  Watching her face and her body transform, was almost more than she could handle.  She had gone from weighing 39 lbs to 65 lbs in only a month's time.  She was now to a point where she wanted to stay hidden in the house. 


Around this time, I had found a journal that she had been given a couple of years earlier (an American Girl journal) and in it she had been asked to answer several questions about herself.  One of these questions was:  What is something that you are afraid of?  Kaylee had written:  I am afraid of getting fat.  I remember thinking, even at the time it was written, how odd it was for a six-year-old child to be afraid of something like this  ...and of something so unlikely.  Yet, here she was, two years later, blown up like a balloon!  I felt so helpless watching this happen to her and knowing how terrifying it must have been for her.  As I have mentioned previously, in many ways, these side-effects were almost as bad as the disease itself!  

For much of this trip, she had wanted to stay hidden in the hotel room.  I remember having spent much time on this trip searching for bathing suits and cover-ups that would make her feel a little better about what she looked like.  It was truly breaking my heart for her.

One evening, we decided that we all wanted to take a walk on the beach.  I figured that, because it was dark, Kaylee might be willing to get out for a bit.  When I asked her, however, she told me that she didn't even have the energy to walk down to the beach.  I wasn't sure if this was the real reason or not, until I offered to push her in the stroller, and she agreed to do so.  I could then see that she was extremely weak, so I told her that she could just sit there on the beach.  

At this time (Labor Day weekend) I had just recently been given my verse of confirmation that God was leading me to do the diet with Dr. Robbins and that He did not want me to accept this disease as His plan for Kaylee's life.  If you will remember, this was the verse Kaylee had just given me:  

"If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast."  Psalms 139:9&10 

I was still on a bit of  a " high" following this huge confirmation, and now knew for certain that God was guiding me regarding Kaylee's life and future.  Even so, I still had no idea what to really expect.  I had only been given my instructions. 

When we got down to the beach, we sat Kaylee down on one of the chairs.  I knew that I couldn't go too far without her, but I wanted to walk just a little and talk with my friend.  I told Kaylee that we would be right back, and my friend and I began to walk down the shoreline.  

After just a brief moment, I looked over and Kaylee was up walking beside us.  I didn't ask any questions, for fear it might cause her to change her mind, but I was thrilled she was up and moving.  Then before I knew it, she took off running ahead of us.  She ran and ran on the beach that night, like nothing I had ever seen her do before, and with energy that she had not had in over a year!  My heart was filled with joy and hope, just watching her be able to enjoy life again!  It was at this moment that I felt an assurance from God that He was going to heal Kaylee completely one day.  Also, I felt something that I had not previously even thought about before.  I felt that I would one day write a book about this. 

As this feeling came over me, I remember glancing out toward the ocean (the far side of sea) and, in that moment, I completely believed this was going to happen one day!  I suddenly felt that there was a greater purpose for all of this. There had always been something special about the beach to me, and as I looked out to the ocean, I was always reminded of how truly magnificent God is and that anything is possible with Him.   

When I finally caught up with Kaylee, I exclaimed, "Wow, where did that sudden boost of energy come from?  You just took off running as if you had never been sick at all!"  She first told me that she wasn't sure.  Then she explained, "I felt like God was here  with me."    ....After what I had just witnessed, there was no doubt in my mind that He was!

Naturally, as the years passed, I would always question whether or not this was real or if I had just imagined what I had felt on that night.  Yet, although Kaylee was still struggling (with three diseases now) she never had to go back on that horrible medication or be "blown up" like that again!  In many ways, God had already rescued her.  Although I had expected her complete healing to come through the diet and I had been very disappointed when she suddenly declined, I still held onto the hope that her healing would eventually come.  I never stopped asking for it!  I just didn't know how or when this would take place.  Even so, she was still doing far beyond what she should have been, being on no medication at all. This was undeniable!  Many things that had appeared to be inevitable for her future back then were not her reality today.  

As life went from bad to worse to almost impossible for us, I would sometimes imagine that this nightmare I was living was just another chapter of the book that I would one day write; every impossible circumstance and unexpected twist and turn was going to make my book even better!  It was at least a nice and comforting dream at the time, even if it never came to be.  After all, I knew that the final chapter of our story could not end  with us being left in the pit!   

There are a few details that I have left out of this blog because there is just so much to tell.  As my close friends are reading, they continue to tell me that it doesn't even come close to describing how dark things really were.  I would like to believe that perhaps all of these details will be in a book one day.  

One event I had not mentioned previously in my blog was, a brief period of time, when I left my husband and went to Colorado (with the children) to stay with my brother and his wife.  Following the loss of my house (and other life-shattering events), I felt the need to get away and spend some time praying about what I needed to do concerning my marriage.  Also, the dark and eerie environment in our house had become more than I felt I could handle at that time.  This had been a much needed retrieve for the children and me.

While I was in Colorado, I found a job working at a Christian book store (Family Christian Stores).  I absolutely loved this job because I was able to meet so many wonderful people!  One day, as I was working the register, an elderly lady came to check out, with a large stack of books that she was going to hand out to the young women in her church. The books were entitled: The Dream Giver, by Bruce Wilkerson.  She began to tell me how much she had enjoyed this particular book, and that she thought everyone needed to read it.  

As she was getting ready to leave the store with her books, she looked back at me and asked, "Do you have a dream?"  ....."Oh, yes ma'am, I do," I replied.  Then she reached down in her bag and handed me a copy of the book.  I tried not to take it at first, but she insisted.  She then told me, "Don't ever give up on your dream."

In this book, which is written as a modern day parable, the author takes you on a journey of a man name Ordinary, who had been given a dream by God.  Ordinary must leave his land of Familiar and overcome many obstacles and fears in order to pursue this dream.  All throughout the story, whenever Ordinary feels completely lost or like giving up, he will look up and find Hope, the young lady who is leading him on his journey.  I thoroughly enjoyed reading every page of this particular book, and in many ways, this book had inspired me to continue to believe and hope, no matter how bleak things became in my life.  The worst thing imaginable, to me, was the thought of giving up too soon on the plan (or dream) God had for my life (or Kaylee's).      

All throughout my most difficult times, I would write, and I would keep on dreaming.  I would journal my story, letters and prayers to God, Bible verses, and the things I felt God was speaking to my heart at the time.  Writing was always my best therapy during these dark times. 

So now that my children and I had been left in a seemingly hopeless situation, I knew that I had to find a way to keep going for so many reasons.  There was no way that I could give up.  I didn't stay strong and confident every minute of every day, but for the most part, I was continuing to walk in God's amazing grace!  I started by taking things just one hour at a time and focusing on what I needed to do in that hour.  In the first few weeks, I had to swallow my pride and go seek help for my family.

I first went to my church (AUMC) for help.  I had remembered, back when I worked for the battered women's shelter, that this church had a ministry which they called, Mercy, for families in emergency or crisis situations.  I also remembered that, back in those days, when I was seeking help for one particular lady that was so dear to my heart, this had been one of the only local churches that had been willing to help her.  As humbling and hard as it was, I was now the one needing help.  

I made an appointment and met with the head of the Mercy ministry.  One of the things that I found to be most difficult about this particular meeting was that she wanted to know about my life and about what my plans were.  At this point in time, I just didn't have any answers to give her.  There were so many variables, and unique challenges about my situation that made it hard for others to understand.  Even when I had tried to explain to her about Kaylee's care and schooling, I could sense that she did not approve of the drastic measures I had taken.  I am sure that, in her logic, God would not put me in an impossible situation like this.  There truly was no way to make it all happen (outside of a miracle).  I understood this myself, and I was counting on this miracle!

I now knew for certain that I would have to give up, or at least post-pone, my plans to complete the nursing program.  Although it would seem like a "no-brainer" that I would have to go find a full time job, I was hoping to find something very flexible or something that I could do at night.  In addition to Kaylee's health issues, I was also beginning to see that my son, Barret (who was now school age), had some pretty significant learning disabilities that were going to require much of my time as well.  I remember getting frustrated as I realized this, and even questioning God on what He was doing.  I just didn't feel that I could take on one more challenge with my children! 

Before I could receive the help that I needed, I had to meet with the Mercy committee at the church.  I hadn't felt anxious or worried over this meeting, yet again, as they began to ask me about my future plans, I didn't feel that I could give them any real answers.  I found it very difficult, as an adult, to be put into a situation where other adults (whom I did not even know) were questioning me and advising me on what steps I needed to take next.  Although I understood the reasoning behind it, I wanted to be able to respond by saying, "I am praying about all of this at the moment, and I don't really know what God wants me to do yet."  I was not sure, however, how a response like this would have been received.    I found, during these times, that being in a position of need truly does strip you of your dignity.  

The amount of money that I needed for my rent exceeded the amount that this ministry was allowed to give, so the committee also met with Bro. George Matheson, who agreed to give us the remaining amount through his pastoral care funds to pay our rent for the month.  I was extremely grateful that our most immediate crisis had been taken care of.  

I also finally broke down and got food stamps (just to get through the crisis).  This was extremely hard for me to do, yet I knew that I had no choice at the time.  Fortunately, they had just begun using a food card, which resembled a debit or credit card, rather than the "stamps" or vouchers I had seen my mother use in the past (during our crisis times).  The only person who was aware that you were even using a food card was the cashier.  I am embarrassed to say that I honestly don't know if I could have done it otherwise.  

Other resources I found were emergency relief programs, offered through the city of Auburn, to help with one month of utilities.  I met with the director and explained our story to her.  This also helped take care of these immediate needs.  

My oldest daughter, Brooke, was in braces at the time, and I was on a monthly payment plan to pay for these.  My sweet sister-in-law (Terry) agreed to go with me to meet with our orthodontist and explain what had happened with my husband and his recent job loss.  I had been driving back and forth from Auburn to Trussville (outside of Birmingham) for her orthodontics because she had started treatment there, before we moved back to Auburn, and also because our orthodontist, Dr. Gregory Rape, was such a wonderful man!  I truly believed that he would be understanding although it was hard for me to share these things with anyone.

I still owed about 6 more months of payments at the time, and I was hoping that I could take a few months, to get back on my feet, before continuing with these payments.  As we began our meeting, I could see that Dr. Rape wasn't really interested in discussing payment arrangements.  He was more interested in what was going on with my family.  

Not long before we had moved back to Auburn, he had lost his wife in a sudden, tragic way ...leaving him alone to raise his four children.  I remembered being amazed, at the time, at how he had continued to smile and show such strength in the midst of his family's crisis.  After I had given him the details of our situation, he began to explain to me how a friend had once reminded him of something very important when he had been walking through his own crisis.   "I want you to remember what God says," he told me.  Then he looked me in the eye, and in a very firm (yet comforting) tone reminded me, "God works all things together for the good of those who love Him and who are called according to His purpose." (Romans 8:28)  "Notice it doesn't say that He works some things or most things; it says He works ALL things!  I want you to remember this!"  ...He then got up from the table, walked out into the lobby, and told the receptionist to pull up Brooke's account and wipe out the remaining balance.  

I will never forget the love, kindness, and encouragement that Dr. Rape showed me on this day!  Once again, it was the things like this (the love from my brothers and sisters in Christ) that were continual reminders to me that God was with me.

My oldest daughter, Brooke, had just made varsity cheerleader at the high school a couple of months earlier.  Although I am certain that I received criticism for not immediately pulling her off the squad once this crisis came, I can honestly say that I never even considered it.  I knew how hard she had worked and what this meant to her.  Again, I felt a strong need to keep my children's lives in tact, as much as possible, in the midst of all the chaos.  I simply asked God to provide a way with this also, and He did.  My dad, uncle and aunt, and cousins all pitched in to cover the $400 she needed to pay her expenses.  I had been counting on our income tax return to pay for this previously because this had been something very important to her.  I am so grateful, to this day, that God always provided for the small things such as this.      

God continued to prove to me, over and over again,  that He cared about every intricate detail of my children's lives.  A few months later, a group of mothers (I believe associated with AUMC) anonymously went and purchased gift cards to Old Navy so that my children could get some new clothes to start to school.  Although I had tried to keep our circumstances very private, obviously some people at this church were aware that our family was struggling and decided to reach out to us.  It was truly overwhelming to see the love of God being demonstrated toward my children!  There are no words to describe what these little thing meant to us at the time.   

I did not have to ask for help again after the month of May.  Once I got through this month, God held us together somehow, just a little longer, until He could put His perfect plan into motion.  Not only did I not have to ask for help again, I would eventually be able to pay back the money to AUMC, in order to be able to help someone else in their time of need.  God had given me the strength I needed to get through this crisis time, and He was now about to do the seemingly impossible and make a way!  Our hardships would not end overnight, yet He was already setting things into place, and our miraculous rescue from the pit was about to begin! 

"Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you.  But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed.

  ....And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.  To him be the power for ever and ever.  Amen."

I Peter 4:12&13, 5:10&11

Our Story, Part Fourteen

"Therefore we do not lose heart.

Though outwardly we are wasting away,

yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.

For our light and momentary troubles

are achieving for us

a greater joy that far outweighs it all.

So we fix our eyes 

not on what is seen,

but on what is unseen.

For what is seen is temporary

But what is unseen is eternal."

II Corinthians 4:16-18

As I have mentioned in previous blogs (and as you have probably noticed) my friend, Erica, had literally been carrying the burden of what was happening to our family for some time.  As she realized the desperate place the children and I were about to enter into, she went to her church pastors to try and find some spiritual support for us.  As she  was explaining to a couple of the pastors what was about to happen with my husband, one of the pastors responded by saying, "I guess it's time for her to 'buck up' and take responsibility."  

Erica had no idea what the reasoning was for such a cold, insensitive response from someone whom I had never even met personally.  It would seem that he had already formed an opinion of me based on conjecture.  I cannot say for certain what was behind this response, but these are the things that often go on when someone in the church is experiencing hardship  ....a lot of gossip, harsh judgment and wrong conclusions.  

Erica did not tell me about this meeting for some time, but later told me that she was brokenhearted over the lack of love that was displayed throughout this meeting, especially knowing the difficult (and righteous) choice I had just made for my family.  She told me that it felt as though the Holy Spirit was weeping inside of her as she sat there in that office. (I never heard anything from either of these pastors following this meeting.) 

When the day arrived to confront my husband, Erica and I decided to go to the altar at AUMC and spend the day praying.  We literally spent hours praying as all of this was taking place.  I would have to say that this was probably one of the most powerful, Spirit-led prayers I had ever been a part of to date.  The sheer desperation of my situation took us both to another level of prayer.  Although I did ask for mercy and that my husband would not lose his job, I was asking for God's perfect will to be done in every detail of this day.  It was a heavy, HEAVY day!

One thing that I vividly remember about this prayer time was that our prayers kept coming back around to the church or the body of Christ.  I suppose this might have had something to do with Erica's heavy heart over the meeting she had just been in with her pastors (although I did not know about this yet).  As we continued to try and cover the details of our own personal situation in prayer, our prayers kept ending up back at this same place.  Apparently, this was where God wanted our primary focus to be and where His heart was on this day.  

We were both overcome with sadness over the lack of genuine love within our churches.  Erica was especially emotional as we continued to ask God to bring healing to our hearts and to our churches! She was grieving heavily for her own church on this day. (Her church had also been my family's church during the majority of this time.)

I know that God was with us all throughout this day, and that He heard every prayer that was lifted up to Him.  It was truly a powerful day of prayer, and I believe that God is still working, to this day, on some of the answers.  Sometimes He cannot give us exactly what we ask for, for reasons beyond our understanding.  Sometimes His timing is not our timing.  I understood all of this.  

Everything went as planned with my husband, as Erica and I were praying at the church.  The AUMC pastors were there to counsel and pray with him, and he did what he needed to do.  Even so, he did end up losing his job over this, and was also told that he would not be receiving another pay check (which was understandable).  Although things could have been much worse, it would end up being a very sad day for so many reasons.  

My husband's parents had originally planned to take my husband back with them to see if they could find him some sort of help or intervention.  I don't think this ever happened, but my husband did leave with them on this day.  This would be the last day my husband would be with us.  I was left alone to pick up the pieces of our shattered life. 

After my husband left, I went back to the house with the children.  One of the first things I noticed was that there was an open Bible sitting right next to where my husband had been sleeping.  I had given him a very nice Bible for Christmas, and he had never even taken the cellophane covering off of it prior to this.  Yet, there it sat beside his bed.  I couldn't even begin to imagine the torment he had been experiencing in the days leading up to this.  Although I was very angry over what he had done, my heart also went out to him.  

With all of the traumatic events taking place, I had lost track of what day it was.  I was aware that it was early May.  My heart had been especially heavy because my son, Brady, was about to have his 10th birthday.  I had not been able to give him a birthday party for several years.  I had hoped and prayed that this year would be different.  Oddly, nearly every job loss (beginning when he was about to turn 5) had occurred right around the time of his birthday.  I honestly couldn't believe that it was happening again.  It didn't matter how bleak things got, the little things like this always bothered me.  After all, these are precious years that you cannot ever get back with your children.  I wanted my sweet boy to have at least one memory of a birthday party as a child!

I cannot remember the exact details of how I found  out what the date was, but I still remember the feeling that came over me when I did.  This day, the day my husband left for good, was May 3rd, and as I did my calculations, I realized it was exactly 40 days from when Erica had come to my house and told me that God wanted me to fast.  If you will remember, she had also told me that something was going to happen exactly 40 days from that date and that I needed to fast in order to be prepared for it.  

Erica and I were both AMAZED!  As hard as everything was, I could see so clearly how God's hand had been with us all along.  It brought me great comfort to know that I had done the right thing to bring all of this out exactly when I did.  Erica had not paid attention to the date either, yet she had understood all along the significance of God's timing.  We now knew for certain that we were right on track with God's perfect plan.

I had no idea how our family was going to make it, yet knowing how closely God was involved, I knew that somehow God would make a way.  I knew!   As always, God even came through with an answer for the smallest, seemingly insignificant ache of my broken heart.  He provided Brady an awesome birthday party!  Erica's daughter, Kate, also had a birthday close to the same time as Brady's and was  in the same grade and went to school with Brady.  Erica decided to throw them both a huge birthday bash in her backyard and invite all of their school friends!

Over the next several days, I received phone calls from "concerned" people telling me what they thought I needed to do.  Most people agreed that I needed to move into a mobile home somewhere in the outskirts of the Auburn area, where it was more affordable, until I could get a full-time job and we could get back on our feet.  As they were making these suggestions, I would quickly let them know that my children would not be able to handle that! The last thing I felt that they needed was to be uprooted from their schools and lives on top of everything else.  When I would say this, they would then ask me how in the world I was going to be able to afford to stay where I was.  I would just reply, "I have no idea.  I am leaving the details up to God."  I couldn't see any possible way, but suddenly our three bedroom rental house did not seem so bad after all. 

Everything truly was outwardly impossible, yet the inner peace I had from God during those days that followed was truly like nothing I had ever known!  It was almost as if I was in another world or dimension, and it was incredibly peaceful in this place.  It is usually considered unhealthy not to be living in reality, yet in this case, it seemed to be the best thing.  Reality was bleak and hopeless.  In my mind, I was at the edge of the Red Sea, and I was waiting on God to part it!  I am certain it must have appeared like foolishness to most people.  This incredible peace, however, enabled me to walk through the warfare that continued on, and even seemed to intensify in many ways.  

It seemed that the enemy was not satisfied to only ruin my marriage and life; he wanted to take me down completely through this.  In the days (and years) that followed, my character and godliness were also heavily targeted!  There were some who tried to turn this situation around on me and even blame me for my husband's condition.  All of this caught me completely off-guard!  I had not expected it at all.  At the very least, it seemed that the enemy wanted to make it appear that I was equally responsible for the demise of my marriage and family.  All of my faults and weakness were now suddenly being heavily scrutinized and talked about.  Even Erica was pulled aside and told that there was more to this story than she knew about.  ....I truly believe, now, that this attack on my character had everything to do with how outspoken I had been about what God had done for Kaylee AND what the enemy knew God was going to finish!  Undoubtedly, the ultimate goal was to completely discredit me and the word of my testimony!  

I wasn't able to enjoy Brady's birthday party myself because I had to rush my other son, Barret, to the emergency room due to a badly infected and painful spider bite that had him screaming in pain during most of the party.  Maybe this was just a coincidence, but it felt to me like those "fiery arrows" just kept coming for some time!  Even so, Brady had a wonderful time at his party and that was what mattered most to me!  

My husband had mentioned to me, as he was leaving, that we should be receiving our income tax refund in the next couple of weeks.  Even in the state of mind he was in at the time, it was evident that he was completely "torn up" and deeply concerned about what was going to happen to his family.   I had previously counted on this money to go toward several other needs, but it would now have to be put toward bills and basic survival.  It was all that I had (other than my small paychecks which were only a "drop in the bucket").  

On the day that it was to be deposited into our account, I continued to call throughout the day to see when I could access the money.  By the end of the day, the money was still not in my account.  I became incredibly fearful at this point.  I made a phone call to my husband to see if he knew what was going on with the money.  He hesitated at first, but finally admitted to me that the Federal Student Loan Department had garnished all of our income tax refund due to our student loans going into default.  I completely "fell to pieces" with this news!  I now had no way to pay my rent or any of my bills (not to mention everything else).  My nightmare continued on, and the dominoes continued to fall!  

.....There was literally nothing left.  There was no visible way!  There was no way to protect myself and my children, as the fiery arrows continued to fly.  All that I had left was faith!  

"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."  Hebrews 11:1

God's word tells us: "Are not two sparrows sold for a penny?  Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father's care.  And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered.  So don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows"  Mathew 10: 29-31  God had let me know that I had nothing to be afraid of.  I had done what He asked of me.  I had to continue to hold on to this promise! 

During times like this, I think we receive so much  supernatural grace if we can keep our focus eternal and on the truth of what God's word promises!  Human understanding and "reality" can be our greatest enemy at times.  I had experienced many sleepless nights in the past, due to worry and fear over how things appeared.  I was determined not to let that happen this time around.  As hopeless as things appeared, God was teaching me how to walk through this darkness by keeping my focus on the Light and the unseen  ....on Him!  In other words, my peace was coming, not because of a change in my circumstances (in fact, my circumstances had never looked bleaker) but because I was trusting in and counting on the promises, the character, and the faithfulness of my Heavenly Father.  Somehow  ....miraculously, I felt renewed and strong!   

Our Story, Part Thirteen

"Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them."

Ephesians 5:11

After finding out about the seriousness of my husband's secret life, I knew that something had to be done.  I knew that God had led us to find this, and that He had entrusted us with it.  I thought about approaching my husband to see if he would "come clean" on his own; but I truly believed things were now so out of control that, even if he did agree to stop, it would only be a temporary fix.  I felt it would just be a matter of time before he was pulled into something else.  

I felt that there was nothing more I could say to him.  I didn't even know or recognize the person he had become.  I had tried to explain to him, on numerous occasions, that Satan would keep putting the "bait" out there as long as he kept going after it and that it was a trap every time.  But now he had crossed over from foolishness and irresponsibility to direct and deliberate sin against God and others. I knew that he was far beyond my reach.

The night that we discovered all of this was one of the longest, most excruciating nights of my life!  As I laid there in the darkness, the reality of it all began to sink in.  Not only would my husband most likely lose his job because of this, he would probably not be able to get another job.  Because of what he had done and because of his credit, I felt that he had now completely destroyed his career.  

Not only that, I believed that this would bring all of my plans to go back to nursing school to a halt as well.  The nursing program I had been accepted into was intense, like having a full time job and being in school at the same time.  It would only take me one year to complete the program, but it was going to be a challenging year on every level.  I wouldn't be able to continue to work while being in this program.  I had been relying completely on my husband's income to get us through this time.  I had been hanging on to this tiny piece of hope that I had worked so hard for, and now this too was crumbling before my eyes.

I honestly couldn't see any way for us to come back from this now.  The thought of being without our main income (and health insurance) again and indefinitely was just unbearable to me.  This would make the seventh job loss in five and a half years (I did not mention a couple of these in my previous blogs).  Even if I was to find a job in my field, and go back to work full time, I would struggle just to cover the child-care expenses.  I had not made a career choice expecting to have to provide for a family by myself.  

I won't say that it didn't cross my mind (for a brief moment) to cover all of this up, and try to figure out a way that I could make it right, for the fear of what it all meant.  Yet, I will say this: My fear of losing my relationship with God and cutting myself off from Him was much greater than my fear of losing everything in this world.  As impossible as it all was, there was just no way I was going to cut myself off from my source.  I had already seen where this had taken my husband!

Erica and I began to work fast on a plan of how to handle this.  I first made a phone call to my daughter's youth pastor at AUMC to see if he would be willing to help me.  I was needing a strong support team to be there to minister to and pray with my husband once we confronted him directly (We were still concerned about suicide).

After we set things up with the pastors at AUMC (who were wonderful and extremely supportive to me), Erica and I loaded the children up in the car and headed to Birmingham to meet with my husband's family.  We dropped the children off at my brother's and then went to my husband's parent's house for a meeting with all of his brothers and their wives.  We brought the suicide letters with us, hoping that these letters might help them to better understand what I had been dealing with for so long.  

Erica really "carried" this meeting on her own, as I remained somewhat in a state of shock throughout all of this.  I was simply going through the motions of what I felt God was needing me to do.

After meeting, everyone seemed to agree that we needed to confront my husband immediately and give him a chance to turn this in himself.  Although everyone was shocked and extremely upset over this, I don't think they were grasping the reality of what this was going to do to the children and me.  All of the focus was on my husband's well-being.  Although I understood this to an extent (after all this was his family), I still felt that I needed for someone to see that we were going to be sinking with this ship also!  

As they were discussing the details of how and when this confrontation would take place, I interrupted and asked for more time!  I was expecting three pay-checks in the month of May (it was the beginning of May at this time.)  Because we were paid every other week, this meant that for two months out of the year we would receive three paychecks instead of two.  I had already been anxiously awaiting on these paychecks!  I felt a desperate need to slow things down as the reality of what we were about to do hit me.

Erica (the voice of wisdom for the evening) then reminded me of the significance of God's timing.  "If God led us to find all of this out now, I don't think we can wait." she said.  "I think it is imperative that we move now."  As much as I hated it, I knew she was right.  I felt like I was going to throw-up at that point.  This meant I would most likely not receive even one more paycheck.

We got in the car to head back to Auburn with the children, and nobody was saying a word.  Erica reached over to turn on her praise music, and I asked her if she would please turn it off.  I don't know if I said this aloud or if it was just in my head, but I remember at least thinking: "I don't want to hear anything about praising God right now."  I knew what I had to do, but I was not happy about it!  I felt that I had now reached the end, and I suppose that I also felt that God had let me down.

As we sat there in the silence, the thoughts going through my mind were something like this:  I thought you said I had nothing to be afraid of?  Why would you just leave me here?  How can I work 2 or 3 jobs and take care of the needs of all of these children?  How am I suppose to continue to take care of Kaylee? What is going to happen to her in all of this? Do you want my family completely destroyed?  Do you not see THIS is too much?  I am tired!  I am weary!  I can't do this anymore! .....

At some point during that long drive, Erica reached over and turned the praise music back on.  By now, I had "said" all that I needed to say to God, and He was ready to respond to me.  I will never forget the emotions that swept through me and the hope that followed as these words began to play:  

(Click on lyrics to hear the song)

I'm so very ordinary

Nothing special on my own

I have never walked on water

I have never calmed a storm

Sometimes I'm hiding away

From the madness around me

Like a child whose afraid of the dark

But when I call on Jesus,
All things are possible
I can mount on wings like eagles' and soar
When I call on Jesus,
Mountains are gonna fall
Cause He'll move Heaven and Earth 
To come rescue me when I call

Weary brother, broken daughter,
Widowed, widowed lover you're not alone
If you're tired and scared 
of the madness around you
If you can't find the strength to carry on

When you call on Jesus
ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE
You can mount on wings like eagles and soar
When you call on Jesus
Mountains are gonna fall
Cause He'll move Heaven and Earth
To come rescue you when you--

Call Him in the morning, in the afternoon time
Late in the evening'  He'll be there
When your heart is broken,
And you feel discouraged,
You can just remember that He said
He'll be there!

To this day, I still cannot listen to this song without crying.  It is a forever reminder to me, not only of the hope that God gave me on this night, but of His great love and compassion for me in my weakness.

I truly was like a child afraid of the dark, and at this point in the song, I finally let go and the tears started to flow.  It was the first time I had cried since finding all of this out.  Up until that moment, my sorrow had been so great that I couldn't even let myself feel the emotions of it all.  It was easier to be angry than it was to feel the overwhelming sorrow and disappointment.  Now suddenly, I felt hope.  God had let me know that He understood what I was feeling, that I was not alone, that He would not disappoint me or let me down, and that anything was possible with Him! 

After the song was over, I wanted to hear it play again so badly, but I couldn't admit that to Erica after how I had acted.  Then from the back of the van, I heard the sweetest voice (Kaylee's) ask if we could please listen to the song again.  ...Kaylee told us later that she had always wanted to see a shooting star, and that the minute that song started to play, she looked out the window and saw a star shoot across the sky!  God wasn't going to let my baby girl down either!

The plan was for my husband's parents to drive to Auburn and confront him.  I felt that a man needed to be involved in this, and I felt it would be good for his parents to be there, as well.  After this, they would take him to the church to meet with the pastors.  We hoped that he would then take the opportunity to do what he needed to do.  

I had already taken the children and temporarily moved out (to Erica's).  But before our plan took place, I have to confess, I didn't stick to the plan ...not exactly.  I dropped by the house to get something, and found my husband laying in the floor in front of the television.  I looked at him and said, "I know what you've been doing!"  .....He just looked at me with a blank, distant stare and did not say a word.  I saw something in his eyes that night that I had not noticed before.  I just had to turn around and leave.

I sat in the driveway for a little while after this, listening to "The Voice of Truth" by Casting Crowns.  I was crying from the deepest part of me.  I was praising God for the glory that would somehow come from this  ....AND.... I boldly declared to the enemy at that moment, "You will NOT have your way with my family!"  

(Click on song title to hear the song)