"Therefore we do not lose heart.
Though outwardly we are wasting away,
yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.
For our light and momentary troubles
are achieving for us
a greater joy that far outweighs it all.
So we fix our eyes
not on what is seen,
but on what is unseen.
For what is seen is temporary
But what is unseen is eternal."
II Corinthians 4:16-18
As I have mentioned in previous blogs (and as you have probably noticed) my friend, Erica, had literally been carrying the burden of what was happening to our family for some time. As she realized the desperate place the children and I were about to enter into, she went to her church pastors to try and find some spiritual support for us. As she was explaining to a couple of the pastors what was about to happen with my husband, one of the pastors responded by saying, "I guess it's time for her to 'buck up' and take responsibility."
Erica had no idea what the reasoning was for such a cold, insensitive response from someone whom I had never even met personally. It would seem that he had already formed an opinion of me based on conjecture. I cannot say for certain what was behind this response, but these are the things that often go on when someone in the church is experiencing hardship ....a lot of gossip, harsh judgment and wrong conclusions.
Erica did not tell me about this meeting for some time, but later told me that she was brokenhearted over the lack of love that was displayed throughout this meeting, especially knowing the difficult (and righteous) choice I had just made for my family. She told me that it felt as though the Holy Spirit was weeping inside of her as she sat there in that office. (I never heard anything from either of these pastors following this meeting.)
When the day arrived to confront my husband, Erica and I decided to go to the altar at AUMC and spend the day praying. We literally spent hours praying as all of this was taking place. I would have to say that this was probably one of the most powerful, Spirit-led prayers I had ever been a part of to date. The sheer desperation of my situation took us both to another level of prayer. Although I did ask for mercy and that my husband would not lose his job, I was asking for God's perfect will to be done in every detail of this day. It was a heavy, HEAVY day!
One thing that I vividly remember about this prayer time was that our prayers kept coming back around to the church or the body of Christ. I suppose this might have had something to do with Erica's heavy heart over the meeting she had just been in with her pastors (although I did not know about this yet). As we continued to try and cover the details of our own personal situation in prayer, our prayers kept ending up back at this same place. Apparently, this was where God wanted our primary focus to be and where His heart was on this day.
We were both overcome with sadness over the lack of genuine love within our churches. Erica was especially emotional as we continued to ask God to bring healing to our hearts and to our churches! She was grieving heavily for her own church on this day. (Her church had also been my family's church during the majority of this time.)
I know that God was with us all throughout this day, and that He heard every prayer that was lifted up to Him. It was truly a powerful day of prayer, and I believe that God is still working, to this day, on some of the answers. Sometimes He cannot give us exactly what we ask for, for reasons beyond our understanding. Sometimes His timing is not our timing. I understood all of this.
Everything went as planned with my husband, as Erica and I were praying at the church. The AUMC pastors were there to counsel and pray with him, and he did what he needed to do. Even so, he did end up losing his job over this, and was also told that he would not be receiving another pay check (which was understandable). Although things could have been much worse, it would end up being a very sad day for so many reasons.
My husband's parents had originally planned to take my husband back with them to see if they could find him some sort of help or intervention. I don't think this ever happened, but my husband did leave with them on this day. This would be the last day my husband would be with us. I was left alone to pick up the pieces of our shattered life.
After my husband left, I went back to the house with the children. One of the first things I noticed was that there was an open Bible sitting right next to where my husband had been sleeping. I had given him a very nice Bible for Christmas, and he had never even taken the cellophane covering off of it prior to this. Yet, there it sat beside his bed. I couldn't even begin to imagine the torment he had been experiencing in the days leading up to this. Although I was very angry over what he had done, my heart also went out to him.
With all of the traumatic events taking place, I had lost track of what day it was. I was aware that it was early May. My heart had been especially heavy because my son, Brady, was about to have his 10th birthday. I had not been able to give him a birthday party for several years. I had hoped and prayed that this year would be different. Oddly, nearly every job loss (beginning when he was about to turn 5) had occurred right around the time of his birthday. I honestly couldn't believe that it was happening again. It didn't matter how bleak things got, the little things like this always bothered me. After all, these are precious years that you cannot ever get back with your children. I wanted my sweet boy to have at least one memory of a birthday party as a child!
I cannot remember the exact details of how I found out what the date was, but I still remember the feeling that came over me when I did. This day, the day my husband left for good, was May 3rd, and as I did my calculations, I realized it was exactly 40 days from when Erica had come to my house and told me that God wanted me to fast. If you will remember, she had also told me that something was going to happen exactly 40 days from that date and that I needed to fast in order to be prepared for it.
Erica and I were both AMAZED! As hard as everything was, I could see so clearly how God's hand had been with us all along. It brought me great comfort to know that I had done the right thing to bring all of this out exactly when I did. Erica had not paid attention to the date either, yet she had understood all along the significance of God's timing. We now knew for certain that we were right on track with God's perfect plan.
I had no idea how our family was going to make it, yet knowing how closely God was involved, I knew that somehow God would make a way. I knew! As always, God even came through with an answer for the smallest, seemingly insignificant ache of my broken heart. He provided Brady an awesome birthday party! Erica's daughter, Kate, also had a birthday close to the same time as Brady's and was in the same grade and went to school with Brady. Erica decided to throw them both a huge birthday bash in her backyard and invite all of their school friends!
Over the next several days, I received phone calls from "concerned" people telling me what they thought I needed to do. Most people agreed that I needed to move into a mobile home somewhere in the outskirts of the Auburn area, where it was more affordable, until I could get a full-time job and we could get back on our feet. As they were making these suggestions, I would quickly let them know that my children would not be able to handle that! The last thing I felt that they needed was to be uprooted from their schools and lives on top of everything else. When I would say this, they would then ask me how in the world I was going to be able to afford to stay where I was. I would just reply, "I have no idea. I am leaving the details up to God." I couldn't see any possible way, but suddenly our three bedroom rental house did not seem so bad after all.
Everything truly was outwardly impossible, yet the inner peace I had from God during those days that followed was truly like nothing I had ever known! It was almost as if I was in another world or dimension, and it was incredibly peaceful in this place. It is usually considered unhealthy not to be living in reality, yet in this case, it seemed to be the best thing. Reality was bleak and hopeless. In my mind, I was at the edge of the Red Sea, and I was waiting on God to part it! I am certain it must have appeared like foolishness to most people. This incredible peace, however, enabled me to walk through the warfare that continued on, and even seemed to intensify in many ways.
It seemed that the enemy was not satisfied to only ruin my marriage and life; he wanted to take me down completely through this. In the days (and years) that followed, my character and godliness were also heavily targeted! There were some who tried to turn this situation around on me and even blame me for my husband's condition. All of this caught me completely off-guard! I had not expected it at all. At the very least, it seemed that the enemy wanted to make it appear that I was equally responsible for the demise of my marriage and family. All of my faults and weakness were now suddenly being heavily scrutinized and talked about. Even Erica was pulled aside and told that there was more to this story than she knew about. ....I truly believe, now, that this attack on my character had everything to do with how outspoken I had been about what God had done for Kaylee AND what the enemy knew God was going to finish! Undoubtedly, the ultimate goal was to completely discredit me and the word of my testimony!
I wasn't able to enjoy Brady's birthday party myself because I had to rush my other son, Barret, to the emergency room due to a badly infected and painful spider bite that had him screaming in pain during most of the party. Maybe this was just a coincidence, but it felt to me like those "fiery arrows" just kept coming for some time! Even so, Brady had a wonderful time at his party and that was what mattered most to me!
My husband had mentioned to me, as he was leaving, that we should be receiving our income tax refund in the next couple of weeks. Even in the state of mind he was in at the time, it was evident that he was completely "torn up" and deeply concerned about what was going to happen to his family. I had previously counted on this money to go toward several other needs, but it would now have to be put toward bills and basic survival. It was all that I had (other than my small paychecks which were only a "drop in the bucket").
On the day that it was to be deposited into our account, I continued to call throughout the day to see when I could access the money. By the end of the day, the money was still not in my account. I became incredibly fearful at this point. I made a phone call to my husband to see if he knew what was going on with the money. He hesitated at first, but finally admitted to me that the Federal Student Loan Department had garnished all of our income tax refund due to our student loans going into default. I completely "fell to pieces" with this news! I now had no way to pay my rent or any of my bills (not to mention everything else). My nightmare continued on, and the dominoes continued to fall!
.....There was literally nothing left. There was no visible way! There was no way to protect myself and my children, as the fiery arrows continued to fly. All that I had left was faith!
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." Hebrews 11:1
God's word tells us: "Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father's care. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows" Mathew 10: 29-31 God had let me know that I had nothing to be afraid of. I had done what He asked of me. I had to continue to hold on to this promise!
During times like this, I think we receive so much supernatural grace if we can keep our focus eternal and on the truth of what God's word promises! Human understanding and "reality" can be our greatest enemy at times. I had experienced many sleepless nights in the past, due to worry and fear over how things appeared. I was determined not to let that happen this time around. As hopeless as things appeared, God was teaching me how to walk through this darkness by keeping my focus on the Light and the unseen ....on Him! In other words, my peace was coming, not because of a change in my circumstances (in fact, my circumstances had never looked bleaker) but because I was trusting in and counting on the promises, the character, and the faithfulness of my Heavenly Father. Somehow ....miraculously, I felt renewed and strong!
Erica had no idea what the reasoning was for such a cold, insensitive response from someone whom I had never even met personally. It would seem that he had already formed an opinion of me based on conjecture. I cannot say for certain what was behind this response, but these are the things that often go on when someone in the church is experiencing hardship ....a lot of gossip, harsh judgment and wrong conclusions.
Erica did not tell me about this meeting for some time, but later told me that she was brokenhearted over the lack of love that was displayed throughout this meeting, especially knowing the difficult (and righteous) choice I had just made for my family. She told me that it felt as though the Holy Spirit was weeping inside of her as she sat there in that office. (I never heard anything from either of these pastors following this meeting.)
When the day arrived to confront my husband, Erica and I decided to go to the altar at AUMC and spend the day praying. We literally spent hours praying as all of this was taking place. I would have to say that this was probably one of the most powerful, Spirit-led prayers I had ever been a part of to date. The sheer desperation of my situation took us both to another level of prayer. Although I did ask for mercy and that my husband would not lose his job, I was asking for God's perfect will to be done in every detail of this day. It was a heavy, HEAVY day!
One thing that I vividly remember about this prayer time was that our prayers kept coming back around to the church or the body of Christ. I suppose this might have had something to do with Erica's heavy heart over the meeting she had just been in with her pastors (although I did not know about this yet). As we continued to try and cover the details of our own personal situation in prayer, our prayers kept ending up back at this same place. Apparently, this was where God wanted our primary focus to be and where His heart was on this day.
We were both overcome with sadness over the lack of genuine love within our churches. Erica was especially emotional as we continued to ask God to bring healing to our hearts and to our churches! She was grieving heavily for her own church on this day. (Her church had also been my family's church during the majority of this time.)
I know that God was with us all throughout this day, and that He heard every prayer that was lifted up to Him. It was truly a powerful day of prayer, and I believe that God is still working, to this day, on some of the answers. Sometimes He cannot give us exactly what we ask for, for reasons beyond our understanding. Sometimes His timing is not our timing. I understood all of this.
Everything went as planned with my husband, as Erica and I were praying at the church. The AUMC pastors were there to counsel and pray with him, and he did what he needed to do. Even so, he did end up losing his job over this, and was also told that he would not be receiving another pay check (which was understandable). Although things could have been much worse, it would end up being a very sad day for so many reasons.
My husband's parents had originally planned to take my husband back with them to see if they could find him some sort of help or intervention. I don't think this ever happened, but my husband did leave with them on this day. This would be the last day my husband would be with us. I was left alone to pick up the pieces of our shattered life.
After my husband left, I went back to the house with the children. One of the first things I noticed was that there was an open Bible sitting right next to where my husband had been sleeping. I had given him a very nice Bible for Christmas, and he had never even taken the cellophane covering off of it prior to this. Yet, there it sat beside his bed. I couldn't even begin to imagine the torment he had been experiencing in the days leading up to this. Although I was very angry over what he had done, my heart also went out to him.
With all of the traumatic events taking place, I had lost track of what day it was. I was aware that it was early May. My heart had been especially heavy because my son, Brady, was about to have his 10th birthday. I had not been able to give him a birthday party for several years. I had hoped and prayed that this year would be different. Oddly, nearly every job loss (beginning when he was about to turn 5) had occurred right around the time of his birthday. I honestly couldn't believe that it was happening again. It didn't matter how bleak things got, the little things like this always bothered me. After all, these are precious years that you cannot ever get back with your children. I wanted my sweet boy to have at least one memory of a birthday party as a child!
I cannot remember the exact details of how I found out what the date was, but I still remember the feeling that came over me when I did. This day, the day my husband left for good, was May 3rd, and as I did my calculations, I realized it was exactly 40 days from when Erica had come to my house and told me that God wanted me to fast. If you will remember, she had also told me that something was going to happen exactly 40 days from that date and that I needed to fast in order to be prepared for it.
Erica and I were both AMAZED! As hard as everything was, I could see so clearly how God's hand had been with us all along. It brought me great comfort to know that I had done the right thing to bring all of this out exactly when I did. Erica had not paid attention to the date either, yet she had understood all along the significance of God's timing. We now knew for certain that we were right on track with God's perfect plan.
I had no idea how our family was going to make it, yet knowing how closely God was involved, I knew that somehow God would make a way. I knew! As always, God even came through with an answer for the smallest, seemingly insignificant ache of my broken heart. He provided Brady an awesome birthday party! Erica's daughter, Kate, also had a birthday close to the same time as Brady's and was in the same grade and went to school with Brady. Erica decided to throw them both a huge birthday bash in her backyard and invite all of their school friends!
Over the next several days, I received phone calls from "concerned" people telling me what they thought I needed to do. Most people agreed that I needed to move into a mobile home somewhere in the outskirts of the Auburn area, where it was more affordable, until I could get a full-time job and we could get back on our feet. As they were making these suggestions, I would quickly let them know that my children would not be able to handle that! The last thing I felt that they needed was to be uprooted from their schools and lives on top of everything else. When I would say this, they would then ask me how in the world I was going to be able to afford to stay where I was. I would just reply, "I have no idea. I am leaving the details up to God." I couldn't see any possible way, but suddenly our three bedroom rental house did not seem so bad after all.
Everything truly was outwardly impossible, yet the inner peace I had from God during those days that followed was truly like nothing I had ever known! It was almost as if I was in another world or dimension, and it was incredibly peaceful in this place. It is usually considered unhealthy not to be living in reality, yet in this case, it seemed to be the best thing. Reality was bleak and hopeless. In my mind, I was at the edge of the Red Sea, and I was waiting on God to part it! I am certain it must have appeared like foolishness to most people. This incredible peace, however, enabled me to walk through the warfare that continued on, and even seemed to intensify in many ways.
It seemed that the enemy was not satisfied to only ruin my marriage and life; he wanted to take me down completely through this. In the days (and years) that followed, my character and godliness were also heavily targeted! There were some who tried to turn this situation around on me and even blame me for my husband's condition. All of this caught me completely off-guard! I had not expected it at all. At the very least, it seemed that the enemy wanted to make it appear that I was equally responsible for the demise of my marriage and family. All of my faults and weakness were now suddenly being heavily scrutinized and talked about. Even Erica was pulled aside and told that there was more to this story than she knew about. ....I truly believe, now, that this attack on my character had everything to do with how outspoken I had been about what God had done for Kaylee AND what the enemy knew God was going to finish! Undoubtedly, the ultimate goal was to completely discredit me and the word of my testimony!
I wasn't able to enjoy Brady's birthday party myself because I had to rush my other son, Barret, to the emergency room due to a badly infected and painful spider bite that had him screaming in pain during most of the party. Maybe this was just a coincidence, but it felt to me like those "fiery arrows" just kept coming for some time! Even so, Brady had a wonderful time at his party and that was what mattered most to me!
My husband had mentioned to me, as he was leaving, that we should be receiving our income tax refund in the next couple of weeks. Even in the state of mind he was in at the time, it was evident that he was completely "torn up" and deeply concerned about what was going to happen to his family. I had previously counted on this money to go toward several other needs, but it would now have to be put toward bills and basic survival. It was all that I had (other than my small paychecks which were only a "drop in the bucket").
On the day that it was to be deposited into our account, I continued to call throughout the day to see when I could access the money. By the end of the day, the money was still not in my account. I became incredibly fearful at this point. I made a phone call to my husband to see if he knew what was going on with the money. He hesitated at first, but finally admitted to me that the Federal Student Loan Department had garnished all of our income tax refund due to our student loans going into default. I completely "fell to pieces" with this news! I now had no way to pay my rent or any of my bills (not to mention everything else). My nightmare continued on, and the dominoes continued to fall!
.....There was literally nothing left. There was no visible way! There was no way to protect myself and my children, as the fiery arrows continued to fly. All that I had left was faith!
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." Hebrews 11:1
God's word tells us: "Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father's care. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows" Mathew 10: 29-31 God had let me know that I had nothing to be afraid of. I had done what He asked of me. I had to continue to hold on to this promise!
During times like this, I think we receive so much supernatural grace if we can keep our focus eternal and on the truth of what God's word promises! Human understanding and "reality" can be our greatest enemy at times. I had experienced many sleepless nights in the past, due to worry and fear over how things appeared. I was determined not to let that happen this time around. As hopeless as things appeared, God was teaching me how to walk through this darkness by keeping my focus on the Light and the unseen ....on Him! In other words, my peace was coming, not because of a change in my circumstances (in fact, my circumstances had never looked bleaker) but because I was trusting in and counting on the promises, the character, and the faithfulness of my Heavenly Father. Somehow ....miraculously, I felt renewed and strong!
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