Our Story, Part Twelve

"It is shameful even to mention what the disobedient do in secret.  But everything exposed by the light becomes visible - and everything that is illuminated becomes light."

Ephesians 5:12&13

It was unbelievable how quickly everything we had worked so hard for just crumbled before our eyes.  I sometimes think back and wonder if there was anything I could have done differently.  Although it is really pointless to dwell on things that we cannot go back and change, I will share with you some things that I believe I could have handled better.

First of all, I wish I had been a stronger, more consistent, godly example to my husband through the years. Although I did have my moments of strength and trust, and I always tried to point my husband to God, my actions would often times not line up with my words.  I would tell my husband that we didn't need to worry over finances, yet I was visibly shaken with every job loss.  These wounds and fears from my childhood were deep and continually taunting me.  While I handled other areas of our life with great strength and faith, when it came to this one area, I was very inconsistent and fearful.

As things continued to get worse and worse, and the dishonesty became so destructive, I had moments of crying, yelling, and even a time I made my husband leave the house (this was when I found out about losing my house in Clay).  I did not handle many of these instances well, and I often times intensified everything with my responses.   Although I honestly don't believe there was much more I could have done to stop things from falling apart, I know that  God was not pleased with my responses at times.  There were times I was an emotional wreck!  I also know this made things much harder on the children (especially Kaylee).

During this time, there was a prayer that I prayed constantly (sometimes several times a day/sometimes face down on the floor).  I now have it completely put to memory:

Oh Lord, hear my prayer,

listen to my cry for mercy;

in your faithfulness and righteousness

come to my relief.

Do not bring your servant into judgment,

for no one living is righteous before you.

The enemy pursues me,

he crushes me to the ground;

he makes me dwell in darkness

like those long dead.

So my spirit grows faint within me;

my heart within me is dismayed.

I remember the days of long ago;

(I always changed this part to not so long ago)

I meditate on all your works

and consider what your hands have done.

I spread my hands out to you;

my soul thirst for you like a parched land.

Answer me quickly, O Lord;

my spirit fails.

Do not hide your face from me

or I will be like those who go down to the pit.

Let the morning bring me word of your

unfailing love,

for I have put my trust in you.

Show me the way I should go,

for to you I lift my soul.

Rescue me from my enemies, O Lord,

for I hide myself in you.

Teach me to do your will,

for you are my God;

may your good spirit lead me on level ground.

For your name's sake, O Lord, preserve my life;

in your righteousness, bring me out of trouble.

In your unfailing love, silence my enemies;

destroy all my foes, 

for I am your servant.

Psalms 143

As hard as things got, I never lost complete hope of being rescued.  There were so many wonderful praise songs that kept me going throughout this time.  I always felt that prayer and praise were my best weapons against the enemy and his schemes against our family!  This was how I would regain my strength!

The atmosphere in our home had become increasingly dark, and even eerie, toward the end.  There was a heavy oppression that is difficult to adequately describe.  I honestly hated being in that house.  I knew my husband was in a very bad place, and I couldn't seem to get anyone to understand what I was dealing with.  I even found a stash of suicide letters hidden deep in a kitchen cabinet which had been written to everyone in his family. (Again, my husband has given me permission to share these things)  There were other instances also that led me to believe that my husband was very suicidal.  

One night, I got up to go to the bathroom and saw my husband standing in front of the computer looking at something.  He would look at the screen for a minute, then he would back up and look around to make sure nobody was watching him.  I obviously realized that there were secretive things going on, but I didn't even want to think about what it was.

One day I had received a letter from the Department of Education stating that our student loans had gone into default.  Once again, I was shocked by this! I had been under the impression that these were being deferred because of our current financial hardships.  Yet at some point, this had not been properly handled either.  By the time I found out about it, nearly $20,000 in penalties had been tacked on to the total amount!  We only owed a little over $30,000 right out of college between the two of us (for three degrees) and had even paid on these for several years.  Now suddenly, we owed over $50,000!   

I tried calling and writing letters, explaining that I felt my husband had experienced a nervous breakdown due to numerous job losses and that, at some point, he had just stopped taking care of things.  I begged for mercy!  I was told, however, that once the loans had gone into default, nothing could be done about it.  This was another crushing blow! It just didn't seem right, on top of everything else, that our family would be penalized, to THIS degree, following so many job layoffs.  It was like someone sticking a knife in the wound.  It made me physically sick to think how that money could have gone toward our children's educations down the road.  Again, it was like dominoes falling down, one thing after another, and I couldn't control any of it.

When I think back, I wish that I had taken charge of all our bills and finances, and gotten control sooner. But remember, I was also focusing on a sick child at the time who could not go to school and trying to keep the rest of my children's daily lives in tact.  I was working part time, going back to school, and I still had two children who were not yet school age.  I was struggling with the daily challenges of life as well.  Most of these things were happening simultaneously (I just found out about it at different times).

Along with all of these shocking events, there were checks bouncing because my husband would not document what he was taking out of the bank or let me know anything.  Although he had a job toward the end, his pay had nearly been cut in half, which made it impossible to function day to day without communicating these things to one another.   

Although everything was continuing to get bleaker, I have never been a person to give up.  I was willing to do whatever I had to do to get us out of this.  I was back in school, trying to finish up the required classes to get into the accelerated nursing program at Auburn University.  I had just been accepted into the program on a full scholarship. It had required a lot of work (test, essays, interviews, etc) to make this happen.

One night, while I was at work, things "hit the fan" back at our house.  My older children had grown tired of the secretive things that were going on, and there was a huge altercation between them and my husband (particularly Kaylee).  Because Kaylee has always been very discerning, she had discovered some things that were going on and had confronted these things.  The way she went about this (which naturally was disrespectful) set my husband off!  He had never had a temper at all prior to this.  One thing led to another, and it ended with my children leaving the house and coming to find me.

At this point, we knew something had to be done.  My friend, Erica, was now very concerned for us and about all of my husband's secrecy. She felt that we needed to investigate the home computer to see if we could find something that might help explain his bizarre behavior.  My husband had gone on to bed after this incident, so we decided to go to the house and look around.  I don't even know what it was we were expecting to find, but God was leading us every step of the way on this particular night.  When we drove up to the house, Erica felt that, instead of going to the computer, God was leading her to go look inside of my husband's car.  

I am not going to discuss the details of what we found this night.  I feel like this is something that my husband should share when he is ready to talk about it.  I will say this, however; it was not at all what I was expecting.  It was also not something that could be kept hidden.  I knew that God had led us to discover the secrets of his dark world for a reason and that I was going to have to be the one to bring this into the light.  I also knew, that by doing this, it could cost him his job and possibly everything.  I was completely devastated and terrified for my family!

Our Story, Part Eleven

The part of our story that I am about to tell, I had originally planned to cover only vaguely.  My dear friend (Erica) told me, however, that it is imperative I give the details of this part of our story.  I am going to take her advice on this because she witnessed every bit of this first hand.  She explained to me how her spirit was grieving over so many things during this time, but particularly the response of the church.  

Again, I tell my story not to point out any one person or church (which is why I will not mention names in these cases) but to hopefully bring attention (and healing) to a condition that is prevalent in our churches today. There is a lack of genuine love in our churches.  I also found, during this time, that when you are in the pit, this is often compounded by a lack of honor and basic dignity.  We have allowed worldly status to blind us to the value of each and every member within the Body (especially the wounded).  Had I not experienced this for myself, I would have never understood how isolating and depleting it is. Not only does God instruct us (as a Body) to value each and every member, He goes a step further.  He tells us: "....those parts of the body that seem weaker are indispensable, and the parts that we think are less honorable we treat with special honor."  I Corinthians 12: 22&23.  Think about it, how often do we see this being practiced in our churches?  

The last couple of years, before my husband moved out, are like a blur to me.  He had descended into a very dark place that I did not understand.  I did not know how to reach him or help pull him out of it.  I felt like we were all drowning in the consequences of his choices, and I was beginning to become very resentful and angry over it all.  There were so many things that were being done (or not done) and as a result, everything in our world was completely out of control.  There was even one night that I had to load my children up in our van and leave town to keep it from being repossessed.  This was because the money that was suppose to go toward this payment had been put toward something else (again, unbeknownst to me).  Our house in Clay had been taken for the same reason, yet for a long period of time, this was hidden from me.  From one day to the next, I never knew what our next crisis would be.  It honestly felt as though my husband had now (unknowingly) joined camps with the enemy for the destruction of our family.   

During this time, I felt more isolated in the church than ever before.  I felt as though I was being judged for the sins of my husband and it did not seem fair.  I suppose that this is the reason why God warns us to not be "unequally yoked," yet at this point in my life, what could I do about it?  I would be judged if I left him, yet I was being judged for staying with him.  

I felt that I desperately needed counsel as to what I needed to do, so I called two highly respected local pastors to see if one of them might be willing to meet with me and give me some objective counsel.  When I called the first pastor,  I was told by his secretary that it would be two weeks before I could see him.  I was so desperate at this point, I decided to wait it out.

When the time came around, I was relieved to hopefully be receiving some godly wisdom and insight.  Yet, from the moment I walked into this pastor's office,  I could sense that he was not happy I was there (I wish I had turned around at that point and just left). To my knowledge, this pastor did not know anything about me prior to this meeting (I might have been wrong) but by the look on his face, I believe that he was appalled that I had even asked for this meeting.  Knowing what I know today, I now understand this response.  After all, I was not even a member of his church.  Back then, however, I was very naive about Christians.  I honestly believed that, as Christians, we are all family or part of the body of Christ.  I expected to be received and loved immediately because of the Holy Spirit living inside of him, but this was not the case at all.

He introduced himself to me, but did not crack a smile the entire time I was there.  As I sat down and tried to get into my story and why I was there, he just stared at me and never acknowledged (verbally or with any gesture) anything I was saying.  He just sat there with a blank look of displeasure on his face.  At this point, I began to get nervous and uncomfortable.  I suddenly felt intimidated and my voice began to shake.  I still tried to continue on, hoping that God would show up at some point and take over this meeting, but it never happened.  I never even got to the reason I was there. 

At some point in this meeting, he said to me (in a very harsh tone),  "You need to be in church.  You need to be serving God!"  I was taken aback by this response.  How did he know whether or not I was serving God?  I wondered.  All I had talked to him about at that point were the hard things my family was going through.  I had not come into his office and asked him for anything.  I simply wanted his advice and wisdom (and possibly a prayer).  The only thing I could see that might have triggered this response was that I had confessed to him that I had recently "pulled away" from my church.  

I did not just sit there and take this unfair judgment of my life and service to God, however.  At that moment, I felt strength rise up inside of me, and I defended myself!

"I do serve God," I said.  "Church is not the only place where we can serve God.  In fact, there is a family with five boys who moved in down the street that I have been ministering to and praying for regularly.  I had no idea why I felt so burdened for this particular family until I found out two weeks ago, when their grandfather passed away, that he had been praying for the salvation of his family (this particular family).  It was then that I also  found out that he was a member of this church and this family has been on your church's prayer request list for more than 20 years."  

He knew exactly who I was talking about and about this entire situation, and after this, his attitude toward me changed just a bit.  Still, the entire meeting was one of the worst experiences I have ever had.  I had never in my life been made to feel more dishonored or harshly judged.  I just wanted to get out of there! 

It was these types of experiences that made me feel weak and all of those deep wounds and insecurities from my childhood were being heavily targeted by the enemy during this time.  The circumstances surrounding my life were beginning to define me, and it wasn't because of my own insecurities or lack of self-confidence, it was because of the way others were treating me.  We can never overestimate the strength that comes from being valued and honored by others.  When this is stripped away, it can have devastating effects.  I want to make this point loud and clear because I cannot bear the thought of anyone (especially the wounded) being treated the way that I was, by the Body of Christ!  I felt that I was becoming weaker and weaker.

Although I had not received good counsel or support, I realized (on my own) that I had to find a way to forgive my husband.  I knew that if I continued to be angry, it was going to destroy me and my children.  I also knew that I could not forgive him in my own strength.  One night as I lay in my bed, I poured my heart out to God over this.  I confessed to God that I couldn't forgive him because he was destroying our family by his actions.  I asked God to please help me! After saying this prayer, I fell asleep.

When I woke up the next morning, this scripture immediately came to my mind:  For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.  Ephesians 6:12  After this scripture was brought to my mind, I then felt God speak to my heart, more clearly than I ever had in my life, these words:  I will not allow your husband to destroy this family.  I will give him one more chance to turn to Me.  If he doesn't, I will remove him.  

I had never in my life been more confident of what God had spoken to me!  In fact, I called my sister-in-law and two of my close friends to let them know what God had just said to me.  I had no idea what this meant or how God would bring this about, but I can honestly say that from that point on (and to this day) I have not struggled with anger or resentment toward my husband again.  It was fear and helplessness that was at the root of my anger, and God helped me realize this.  After receiving this reassurance that God would have the final say with my family, the fear was gone.

At the same time I had called the first local minister and asked for a meeting, I had also called Bro. George Matheson (the pastor of Auburn United Methodist Church).  Bro. Matheson had immediately returned my phone call and personally left the kindest, most welcoming message on my answering machine.  He had told me that he would love to meet with me anytime.  Although I had been told that I would have to wait for a meeting with the first minister, I had decided to wait for him simply because he was a Baptist minister.  Since I had never attended a Methodist church before,  I did not know what to expect.  After this experience, however, I decided a Methodist church would be just fine for my family.  I did not meet with Bro. Matheson, because I was not yet recovered from my previous meeting, but I decided to take my family to church there.

Although I kept to myself for the most part, I felt immediately loved and received at Auburn United Methodist Church (AUMC).  I now like to refer to this church as "the church of love."  I felt no judgment here and my children also felt loved and cared for.  This was the perfect church for my family during this time!  Not only were we loved, we were treated with honor and dignity.  I praise God for sending me the help I needed, because my hardships were about to hit a climax.  I don't think I would have made it through without the love I received through this church!

Kaylee continued to struggle with her health, and AUMC made her a part of their prayer pager ministry.  She was given a prayer pager and put on a prayer list.  Every time someone prayed for her, they would call the number and the pager would go off to let her know she had just been prayed for.  It was such a comforting sound to hear the pager go off and to know that she was being lifted up in prayer at that very moment.  I am confident that every prayer going up during this time played a significant part in bringing about her healing that was to come.  This church believed in the healing hand of God and did not limit God or "put Him in a box."  This was another thing that I loved!

During my very darkest times, I had a couple of friends that walked very closely with me.  I did not let many people into my dark world because it was shameful and humiliating.  It was also heavy and overwhelming for them!  One of these people was a lady by the name of Erica Windham.  Erica took my family "under her wing" during this time and it was truly like nothing I had ever witnessed in my life.  She literally carried my burden as her own.  She cried with me.  She prayed with me.  She counseled my children and took on their burdens as well.  I honestly don't know how she did all that she did (other than by the grace of God).  I don't think I am going too far to say that she saved my life with her love for us!  

Erica does not like for me to say this, but I truly believe that she has the gift of prophesy.  It's funny because she says the same about me, yet neither of us want to have this gift.  She once bought a book  about the gift of prophesy, and as we looked through it, we couldn't understand why anyone would desire this gift (although Paul tells us in the book of I Corinthians that this should be desired above all gifts).  The book explains that those with the gift of prophesy are often times isolated, without many friends, heavily burdened and sad, etc... We just didn't get it!  It's not as if anyone was ever going to believe anything either of us had to say anyway!  

Many people don't believe that the gift of prophesy still exist, and I don't really know the answer to this.  Even so, there were times when Erica spoke that I knew without a doubt it was God speaking through her.  If you know Erica, you can tell the difference when she is speaking for herself or delivering a message from God.  There were so many times, throughout this, when she spoke for God.  When she did, I felt a strength rise up in me!


One night she showed up at my house, her Bible in hand, with a message for me from God.  I will never forget this night!  She spoke with boldness and confidence as she explained to me that God was calling me to fast.  She went on to explain that something was going to happen in 40 days (from that day) and that God needed me to fast in order to prepare for it.  One of the funny things about Erica is that after she speaks with such boldness, she will either forget about it later or not believe it anymore.  This particular night, however, I don't think either of us will ever forget!  

At the time, I knew very little about fasting, but I was not about to question her (or God) on this one.  I could feel God's presence, and because I was in a desperate place, I could not afford to miss anything God might have for me!  I decided to do a three day fast from everything but water (and a little juice.)  I had never done anything like that before.  I can honestly say that I haven't fasted to that extent since.  It's amazing what a little desperation will do for your will-power!  Although I had to work, go to class, and do many things for my family, I fasted and prayed constantly for the deliverance of my family!

Throughout my time of fasting, my faith had remained steadfast.  When it ended, however, I began to doubt a little.  I didn't really think about the "40 days" again.  I didn't count the days or wait for anything to happen.  I had simply done what I was instructed to do.  .....I never would have anticipated or believed what was coming and why it was so critical that I be spiritually prepared for this day!  My world was about to be turned upside down!

Our Story, Part Ten

"If we are faithless,

He remains faithful;

He cannot deny Himself."

2 Timothy 2:13

There is really no way to adequately describe the darkness that surrounded our lives over these next few years without giving every specific detail.  It honestly felt as though I was living my worst nightmare.  There were so many
excruciatingly hard things that took place throughout this time.  It was like an avalanche of consequences raining down on every area of our lives.  Another way I might describe it would be like dominoes falling.  One thing impacts another and then another and before you know it, it is all falling down around you.  

I wish that I could give you a testimony that was one of strength, trust, and unwavering faith at this point.  I have to confess, however, that I went through a period of time where I felt very disillusioned.  I felt broken and crushed in my spirit.  I couldn't even bring myself to pray.  I felt that I had no strength left to fight.  Taking care of my children's needs was the only thing that kept me from sinking into a deep depression.  I honestly felt as though the enemy had won.  

When I think back, I now understand that none of this caught God by surprise.  Not only had He known it was coming, He had been trying to prepare me for it.  I wasn't angry with God during this period of time; I just didn't understand.  I was overcome with a sadness that I cannot even put into words.  Knowing that I would never have my own house again, while my children were young and it really mattered, was one of the hardest things for me.  Sometimes I would think about the dream.  I would think about the light at the end of that cave.  This was the tiny piece of hope that I continued to cling to.

During this time, I began to understand the mindset of a person who is poor and without hope.  You resort to living only from day to day because you cannot even bear to think about your future.  There is no way to really plan, budget, or to make smart decisions about the future, because it is truly insurmountable!  There were times when I didn't know where the money would come from to pay the next bill.  I was afraid to answer the phone.  I was afraid to go to the mailbox because there always seemed to be something unexpected that would go wrong during this time. The stress of it all truly does bring out the worst in everyone involved.

One example of the "dominoes falling" came one Christmas Eve when I hit someone from behind at a traffic light.  I was driving home that night from visiting a friend when I got confused about which intersection I was at and glanced off the road a little too long.  Again, my stress level always seemed to impact my ability to focus and to think.  I did not realize the light ahead was turning red, and by the time I realized it, I did not have enough time to come to a stop.  This would turn out to be a devastating error.  

Although nobody was injured, our car was totaled.  Unbeknownst to me, my husband had not made the payment on our car insurance in a couple of months.     During this time there were numerous things that my husband just stopped doing.  He had just given up on life completely and I now understand was on the verge of a "nervous breakdown."  Although the lady I hit had not been seriously injured and immediately returned to work (one of my close friends was a co-worker of hers) she claimed many hardships and decided to sue us.  Because I did not have insurance at the time of the accident, my license was then suspended until the court case could be settled. 

As a result, I couldn't drive for several months. I had 6 children dependent on me (none of whom were yet driving) and I was trapped like a prisoner in my home.  It was one of the most humiliating times in my life.  I would have to call my friends to get rides to work or anywhere else I needed to go.  This situation, on top of everything else, made life almost unbearable.  Although my husband was still living in the house at this time, we were barely communicating at all.

As for Kaylee, her decline in health was very fast. I am not sure what exactly triggered this, but it could have been a number of factors.  First of all, we were no longer doing the diet.  She was just entering into puberty around this time as well.  Earlier in the year, she had also come down with a very bad case of the flu that had really set her back.  The hardships we were facing as a family were probably the "straw that broke the camel's back" in this case, and I had not stuck to God's original instructions about not showing my emotions in front of her.  In fact, there were times I had completely "fallen apart." Regardless of the reason (or number of reasons) it came back on her with a vengeance! 

I took her to a gastrointestinal doctor in Montgomery who wanted to immediately admit her into the hospital and start her on Prednisone.  This doctor told me that Kaylee was now showing signs of having three different auto-immune diseases: Crohn's disease, Celiacs and Rheumatoid Arthritus. 

When I let this doctor know that I wanted to treat Kaylee's condition with diet, she was not very happy about it (neither was Kaylee's pediatrician).  I narrowly escaped her being admitted into the hospital (where I think this decision might have been taken out of my hands) because there were reports that a tornado was coming through the Montgomery area that evening.  

Both of these doctors later called me at home to plead with me about putting Kaylee back on medication.  Although finances (and my job) would keep me from being able to do the diet to the extent I needed to, I did the best I could.  Within a month, we were able to get her weight back up, which was a sign that she was at least absorbing her nutrients and out of immediate danger.  As soon as Kaylee's weight was better, I took her back to her pediatrician's office to show them our results.  She had put 10 lbs back on in a little over a month's time.  I wanted this to be documented.

I had been forced to pull Kaylee out of school at this time also.  The stress was clearly a contributing factor in bringing on her symptoms as well.  I really had no choice but to try to teach her at home, which I knew would not be easy to do while working (I was also taking college courses at this time to try and get into a field that would pay better than Social Work).  It honestly felt like an impossible task along with everything else! I was very worried about her falling behind academically.  I just did not know what else to do and her health had to come first.

During this time, I tried to get her doctors to work with me on a plan to help get her back in school.   One doctor told me that I needed to teach her to handle the stress rather than always trying to remove it.  She explained to me that at some point in Kaylee's life she was going to have to do this on her own.  Although I completely agreed, I did not know how to go about teaching her this.  It was all very overwhelming!  Our life became a juggling act of just trying to keep her symptoms "at bay."  During these years, Kaylee was never really well.  The best I could do was to simply keep her out of immediate danger.  There were still nights when her pain was so severe that she later told me she thought she was going to die.

Throughout this time, there were some wonderful people that God sent in the midst of the darkness.  One of these people was a man by the name of James Martin.  James did everything he could to reach out to our family and to try to turn my husband to God.  He would drop in to check on us and to pray with us throughout the very darkest moments.  When I look back on this time, he was a continual light and hope to me in the darkness.  To this day, every time I see him, he lets me know that he still prays for our family. 

There were certainly some negative experiences  within my church throughout this time.  I was even  criticized for working while trying to educate Kaylee at home.  It wasn't everyone, but I just couldn't seem to escape the ongoing, harsh judgment, and this made me pull away from church and keep to myself.  

As I mentioned earlier, there were also those rare individuals who reached out to us and truly showed us the love of Christ.  This was what kept us going so many times.  Even the smallest act of love, like dropping in to check on us or saying a prayer with us, always seemed to come at a time that we needed the reassurance that God had not forgotten us.  I want to mention these individuals in case I am not able to talk about the specifics of how they blessed us. You don't ever forget the ones who reach out to you in your darkest hour.  I am sure there were others (and this does not include family) but these people come to my mind often.  I pray that God will return the blessing to each and every one of you! (James Martin, Keith and Erica Windham,  Jim and Joyce Bolton, Emmy Sorrells, Nick and Kathy Autrey, Kay Gillock, Amy Sorter, Regina Barrett, Beth Baker, Carolyn Lipscomb, Rick and Katherine Smith, Skip Johnston, Rick and Sissy Reynolds, Dr. Gregory Rape *unknown premed. student at Mercy Medical Clinic.)

I honestly don't know what I would have done throughout this time had there not been these lights that God placed in the darkness.  I once heard a pastor by the name of Duane Miller say: "There are times when our life seems to be in a grave, in a pit, and there is no explanation for the pit that we find ourselves in."  I honestly felt that this was where I was for a very long time.  

There was a song that came out around this time called "Held" by Natalie Grant.  The song is about the pain a mother experiences when she loses a baby.  Although I don't pretend to know the pain of losing a child, and I hope I never will, there was a verse in the chorus that made me weep the first time I heard it:

This is what it means to be loved and to know 

that the promise was, when everything fell, 

we'd be held. 

When I think back to this time in my life, those words best describe what took place.  I didn't feel that I was faithful or strong or any of the things I thought I would be.  I simply felt that I was being held in the arms of the most loving, merciful, compassionate and faithful Heavenly Father.  It's so great to know that God's faithfulness is not dependent on how well we handle these hard times in our lives.  

I hope that I never have to revisit that dark place again.  I hope that I have experienced enough of the pit to never forget what it feels like.  I hope that my children have experienced enough to realize how critical it is that we love and reach out to others who are there.  As I said before, we are all that God has as a physical presence to demonstrate His love to those who need it.  Our pastor put it so perfectly in the sermon I heard this past Sunday.  He said that people often ask where God is throughout the difficult times we all face, when worldly disasters come and the horrible, unthinkable things that some people go through in this life.  He went on to explain that God is always there, but that He chooses to use you and I.  He has set things up so that we (the body of Christ) can demonstrate His love and our hope to a lost and hurting world.  I am forever grateful to those who did this for my family!  

Our Story, Part Nine

"We are hard pressed on every side,

but not crushed;

perplexed, 

but not in despair;

persecuted, 

but not abandoned;

struck down, 

but not destroyed."

II Corinthians 4:8&9 

It seemed that for every "fiery arrow" Satan sent our direction, God always had a counter response planned.  Although we had to walk through some very difficult times, and it would even appear to be completely hopeless, God would always pull something out in the final hour.  It truly did feel like there was a spiritual war surrounding our lives for a very long time.  

I made up my mind that I would go to the Health Department if I had to.  I had worked in the Social Work field for long enough to realize that I was no better than anyone else.  For me, it was just an issue of pride (especially with this being my 6th child).  To this point, we had not used any type of government assistance to help us get through these job loses (other than unemployment once).  I just couldn't bring myself to do it.  Looking back, that might have been a big mistake.  Much of the debt we accrued throughout the first job loss could have been relieved somewhat.  When I consider all the taxes we have paid through the years, that is really what the money should be there for.  

Our third child, Janiee, had just started playing softball at this time (before the job loss).  I have to emphasize that she had started playing prior to the job loss because this was also another area where I always felt judgment and later heard we received much criticism.  I found, during these times, that there are those who feel that your life should come to a complete halt once you have lost your job (especially when it continues to happen).  You start to feel as though people are watching your every move to determine whether or not you are being wise with your time and resources.  You just have to learn to ignore these things, and focus on the best interest of your children.  Bringing life to a halt is very difficult when you have 5 active children involved and numerous job losses.  Obviously, we did everything we could to try and keep our children from feeling the impact of these job losses as much as possible.  Again, because this had been the source of some of my deepest childhood wounds, I was very in tune to this area with my own children.  I would pray for God to provide a way, even in the small areas such as this, and He would always make a way.  

Because we had already paid for Janiee to play ball,  naturally we didn't just want to pull her off the team in the middle of the season.  To be honest, our children's sports were often times our best therapy and temporary escape from our own reality.  It was what kept us going many times.  I praise God for always making a way to keep my children's lives intact.  He truly cares about every detail of our lives! 

God would actually go on to use Janiee's softball situation to bring about our next job.  Janiee would go on to make the all-star team and her coach for the season also became her all-star coach.  We spent a great deal of time with all of the families who had girls on the team, and we made some cherished friendships and memories.  When Janiee's coach later found out about the hardships our family was experiencing, he didn't take the viewpoint that we were being disciplined or chastised by God.  Instead, he reached out to help us.  I cannot tell you how much I love this precious man or how much he truly did for our family during this time!

Not only did he offer my husband a job working for him, he gave my husband a car (which we desperately needed).   He didn't even stop there.  When he heard that I was having to go through the Health Department for my prenatal care and childbirth, he went back and paid the cobra insurance for us.  I let him know that I was fine and that he did not have to do this, but he wouldn't take no for an answer.  He reached down and did all that he could to show us the love of Christ.  I am eternally grateful to him (and to God for rescuing us, again).

This new job was the exact opposite experience from the previous job in the beginning.  For several months, we were able to get a break from the all the stress.  Ryleigh was born during this time also, and she brought us great joy!  The hardest thing for me was that we were still stuck in a three bedroom rental house.  We had been able to move into a house that was slightly larger than the first rental, yet three (relatively small) bedrooms for 8 people continued to be very challenging.  I didn't know how much longer I could take it. 

Later that winter,  I decided I probably needed to take Kaylee to a doctor to find out exactly how things were looking.  It had been around four years since she had seen a gastrointestinal doctor.  Her pediatrician referred us to a doctor at St. Vincents Hospital in Birmingham.  This doctor wanted to run extensive tests to see exactly how things were going.  Based on what I was telling him and on what he could see, he believed she had been misdiagnosed the first time.  Of course we knew differently, but most doctors just couldn't seem to accept that a diet (along with prayer) could produce the miraculous turn-around we were seeing.  

Getting into this next part of our story is going to be very challenging.  I am going to have to be vague with the details in order to protect people.  I have spoken to my husband, and he has been humble enough to give me permission to share these things.  He hopes that it may help someone else one day.  

It wasn't long after this doctor's visit that our troubles began again.  We began to hear strong rumors that this company was now having problems.  We heard that the investors of the company were not happy, and we began to see signs that things were going downhill fast!

First of all, I received a bill from the doctor I had taken Kaylee to.  The extensive tests that were run  had not been covered by our health insurance.  When I called to find out what was going on, I was told that the premium payments had not been made for several months by the company and that the policy had been cancelled.  I was shocked!  Now, not only did we not have insurance coverage again, we also had this medical bill to add to the rest of our growing debt.  All of this for tests that were not even necessary.  All of the test came back perfectly normal and had I known that we had no insurance coverage, I would never have taken Kaylee to the doctor during that time.

Within weeks, the company was evicted from the building they were in, and we could most definitely see the "handwriting on the wall."  We were about to be jobless again.  

I was doing a Beth Moore Bible study at the time, and one day when I was doing my daily study, I came across this verse:  "Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you at the proper time, casting all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you.  Be of sober spirit, be on the alert.  Your adversary, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.  But resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same experiences of suffering are being accomplished by your brethren that are in the world."  I Peter 5:6-9

As soon as I read this, I felt that God wanted me to go give these verses to my husband.  I wasn't clear, so I kept on doing my study and just so happened upon another verse that was very similar in the book of James:  "Submit yourselves, then, to God.  Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.  Come near to God and he will come near to you.  Wash your hands, you double-minded.  Grieve, mourn and wail.  Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom.  Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up."  James 4:7&8.

This time, I felt even more strongly that God wanted me to go give these two passages to my husband.  I decided I would wait until that evening and read the verses to him when he got home from work; but then I felt these words in my spirit: I want you to go now!  It wasn't audible, yet still so clear!  I wrote down the date in my study book, and then called my husband and asked him to meet me for lunch.  I read him both of these verses with enthusiasm and reminded him that all we had to do was humble ourselves and wait for God to rescue us and lift us up again.  I honestly thought I was delivering good news.  I had no idea that I was delivering a warning from God.  What I also was not aware of was that my husband was becoming very angry over the continual job losses and the threat of yet another one.  He had never walked very closely with God to begin with, but now he was turning completely away from God.

In those difficult times, Satan comes after us, targeting every weakness and fear. He tempts us into believing that God is not good and that He cannot be trusted.  This is what was happening to my husband, and there was nothing I could do to stop it.  

Apparently there were a few employees who were not happy with the way things were being handled (at least this is my understanding of the story). Someone within the company had talked my husband into doing something that was clearly wrong and would turn out to be very destructive.  It was done on this very night, after I had given him these verses.  My husband later admitted to me that he knew God was warning him to not go through with it, but he did not listen.  From this point, it was like my husband turned into a completely different person.  He had become an angry man.  As a result of this decision, many things began to happen and God was clearly no longer in control of the circumstances surrounding our lives.  It felt as if the enemy had now taken over.  Although I know that God continued to keep me and my children secure and safe and that He kept the destruction within His boundaries, it continued to get even darker.

God was very merciful and continued to give my husband more chances to humble himself and turn to Him.  There were two more jobs (and job losses) following this, but this time the job losses were because of my husband's choices.  As a result of free will and sin, most everything I feared would eventually come to be, including the loss of my house back in Clay.  Not only did everything crumble in my world around me, but my marriage fell apart as well.  The next few years would be my very darkest times.  The only thing I had been holding onto was Kaylee's continued health and all that I had seen God do during that time.  Then suddenly, her symptoms began to come back also.  Everything became dark   ..... very very dark.

Our Story, Part Eight (A Light in the Darkness)

There are always valuable lessons to be learned throughout the difficult times in our lives.  One of the most important lessons I have learned is that we should never judge any situation based on our limited information or understanding.  I have also learned that everyone deserves to be treated with honor and dignity, regardless of what is going on in their lives.  We don't know the "backdrop."  We don't know the pain or deep wounds people carry or the spiritual warfare surrounding a person's life.   Most importantly, we don't know a person's heart.  When you are in the "pit" there will always be those who stand above you and throw stones of condemnation.  Thankfully, there will also be those rare individuals who reach down to help pull you out. My prayer is that I have come out of this a better person, always aware of people's pain, and always ready and willing to reach out and help someone in their time of need.  It could be any one of us.  

After nearly 5 months of looking for a job (there were a couple of small side jobs in-between) we finally found something.  We had looked all over the Birmingham area, but apparently God was taking us back to Auburn.  We were not even looking in Auburn, but one afternoon when I was visiting my Grandmother, she handed me a sheet of paper that my cousin had given her about a job opportunity in Auburn.  The job was a position in sales and it was not even close to the pay level we needed.  But one day when we were visiting Auburn, my husband dropped by to ask about the job.  It just so happened that they had another opening in his field with better pay.  It was still a cut in pay, and we still had a house we would have to sell, but this was a start in the right direction.

There were many things that God had to pull together to make this job work.  For one, my husband would have to find a place to stay in Auburn while we tried to sell the house.  After a great deal of prayer, God provided this answer.  We continued to work on selling our house.  It was an absolutely crazy set of circumstances.  Although we were told that we would be paid for our houses in the event the interstate came through, it would keep many of us in this particular area from being able to sell our houses for quite some time.  (To this day, 13 years later, this interstate extension has still not happened.)

We were not able to sell our house, but within a few months a friend of mine needed a place to rent for a short period of time.  She and her husband had seven children at the time, so finding a place big enough for what they could afford and for just a short period of time was going to be difficult.  Although they could not afford to pay all of our mortgage, what they could pay, we were able to put toward a place to rent in Auburn.  For that moment, it was an answer to prayer for both of our families. 

During this time, my sister-in-law, Kelly, called me every single day to pray over our house.  I was so amazed at her faithfulness!  She had seen enough to understand the warfare surrounding all of this, and she knew that prayer was our only defense.  Within a very short period of time after my friend moved out, we were able to get a lease/purchase contract on the house.  We explained to this couple what was going on with the interstate, and they were still interested.  After we signed a contract, we even prayed with them over it.  I had come to understand how important it is to pray in every situation!  The only downside to this was that, until the house was actually sold, we would not able to purchase a house of our own in Auburn.  This left us in a small, 3-bedroom rental house for quite some time.  Somehow we managed to make it work.

I could most definitely see that God's hand was with us throughout this time.  It had been a year since Kaylee had been diagnosed, and she was now able to come off the very strict diet and eat more normally.  She no longer had symptoms of any kind!  We continued to juice, take supplements and  eat a healthy diet, yet we were now able to slowly add more wheat and dairy back into her diet.  I was very focused on sharing the good news of what God had done for her with everyone I came in contact with!    Although we were still struggling financially due to the consequences of going months without a job and our house not selling, things seemed to be looking up.  Our first year back in Auburn went relatively smoothly (once the house was taken care of) .....but then things started to unravel again.

After a little over a year, the company that my husband was working for ran into a major problem.  They had a huge contract fall through.  Within a few weeks of this happening, they had to downsize and around 22 people were suddenly out of work.  My husband was one of these people.  We felt like we had been kicked in the stomach again.

Looking for a job in a major city like Birmingham was hard enough, but now that we were back in Auburn it felt almost hopeless.  Still, I couldn't believe that God had brought us back here to drop us.  I was determined to handle things better this time around! I hung Bible verses up all over my house that contained the promises God gives us about our care and provision.  I was in "battle mode."  I felt much stronger this time around.  Right as our severance pay ran out, we had another job lined up.  I truly felt like we had won this "battle" .....but this too was very short lived.

This new job seemed to be doomed almost from the start.  The owner of the company was cruel and set unrealistic goals and deadlines, which kept most of his employees at work on weekends, and sometimes literally all night long.  Once when the owner was angry, he told my husband that he was going to cut his salary by $20,000 (per yr.)  I prayed hard over this, and thankfully it did not happen.  Even so, I felt very uneasy about our job stability from day to day.  Although we were making it, life became very stressful.

I continued to feel that God was warning me that more hard times were ahead, and just when I thought things could not get worse, I found out I was expecting another baby.  At the time, this seemed like the worst thing that could happen.  I was a very sick pregnant person, and could barely get out of the bed for the first 5 months.  I had wanted to stop at 5 children, and we had planned permanent birth control surgery after our 5th child was born.  This had been stopped, however, because the day the surgery was scheduled was the very day that Kaylee had been admitted into the hospital for Crohn's.  I remembered thinking at the time that God must have stopped it from happening for a reason.  After this, because of Kaylee's health situation, followed by the job loss and loss of health insurance, it just didn't happen.

After 8 months of extreme stress, the owner of the company called half of his employees in his office and told them he was closing the doors.  He offered them no severance pay, but handed my husband an application for cobra insurance since he knew we were expecting a baby in two months.  He told my husband that he and his family were having a very hard time, and asked if we would be praying for them. (This couple attended church with us at that time also.)

We found out later that he then invited the other half of his employees to his house and told them they were going to try and keep the doors open.  I am not sure how he thought he would get away with the two groups not communicating this to one another.  Needless to say, the group that was left did not feel very secure about their jobs either, and quickly began to look for work elsewhere.  This left several people in the Auburn area looking for work. I am not certain what ever happened to this man or to this company, but I don't think it exists any longer.  The entire experience was a nightmare, and my husband was not taking it well. 

I did not handle this job loss nearly as well as the second.  Perhaps because I was expecting a baby on top of everything else, it was all just very hard to handle.  In fact, the day after I received this news, I had a car accident while pulling out of my children's school.  I know that this was due to the amount of stress and anxiety I was experiencing.  
I really didn't understand what was going on!  I was also afraid that I was going to have to go to the Health Department for my remaining prenatal care.  I never really understood how anyone could be expected to pay $800 a month for cobra insurance after losing their income.  There was just no way that was going to happen.  It seemed that things were spiraling out of control, and I was honestly weary.  This time there was nothing left to fall back on.  Just like that, our income was gone, again.   

This was the point when I started to feel a lot of judgment from other Christians.  Admittedly, it did not look good for us.  Now not only were we out of work; we were out of work and expecting a baby .....with no health insurance.  I was certain that people must have thought that we were doing something wrong and that God was trying to teach us a lesson.  In fact, I was pretty much informed of this in an indirect way.  I was attending a community Bible study at the time, and when I found out that we were out of work again, I called my Bible study leader to ask her to be praying.  When I went to my Bible study the next day, she opened up with this scripture:  "For the Lord disciplines the ones he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives."  Hebrews 12:6  She went on to explain how the hard times we go through are the times we are being disciplined by God.  She tried to emphasize that this was a good thing because it meant that God loved us.  As she delivered this message, she continued to glance in my direction.  I know that she meant well, but it was extremely hard for me to sit through.  I knew that everyone in that room knew that it was me who was being "disciplined" and "chastised."  I was already feeling extremely weak and vulnerable at this point.  Yet, instead of feeling encouraged and hopeful following this Bible study, I left there feeling condemned.  

In church I felt very much the same way.  A man who had been our Sunday School teacher for several years would later tell me: "When you experience that many job losses, you have to know that it is something that you are doing wrong."  I then explained to him how all of these job losses had been the result of company-wide layoffs.  He looked surprised and said, "Oh, I didn't realize that."  I just thought to myself:  That is exactly why we do not need to judge any situation based on our limited information.

I can honestly say that I had never walked closer with God than I had in these two years following Kaylee's recovery from disease.  I was on an intimate level with God that I don't believe I have even been on since.  I was not perfect by any stretch, but I was trying to live for God in every way.  I had just finished a Beth Moore Bible study at my church, and I felt that I was experiencing growth like never before.  I was currently attending a community Bible study and getting to know several precious women from a variety of denominations.  I was meeting weekly with another group of women to pray for our schools.  I was spending more time with God in prayer than I ever had before.  My children and I would go every week to visit an elderly woman from our church who was in the nursing home after suffering from a stroke.  We would pray with her and encourage her.  In addition to this, I was telling everyone the good news about Kaylee!  I am not saying these things to "build myself up" or to "pat myself on the back," but rather to help give understanding to how I was feeling when people suggested that I was being "chastised" by God.  I had never in my life been more "on fire" for God, yet everything appeared to be going wrong!  

On the other hand, I was very aware of my shortcomings.  I struggled with worldliness, and I did have many "idols" in my life that I knew I needed to surrender to God.  I was also still struggling with many fears over our finances, and I wondered if perhaps these fears had "opened doors" for the enemy to come after me in this area.  I knew that I should not be afraid or anxious, but I couldn't seem to control it this time.  I would often feel condemnation over this too.  I was certain that God was disappointed in me.  Yet, if I had stayed in the mindset of believing that it was God who was behind the loss of our job and health insurance, just as with Kaylee's disease, I wouldn't have been able to effectively "battle" the enemy in prayer.  I understood that God still had a lot of work to do in me, but I do not believe God would have come after our family's income and our health insurance two months before I was going to deliver a baby to teach me these things.  I was not living in direct sin against God! All of this felt much more like an attack from the enemy against our family.  

Looking back, I can see things more clearly.  One of the reasons that I believe we received so much criticism and judgment from people when we were struggling financially was because of the number of children we had.  Also, because I was expecting another baby.  Although we were not out of work at the time I became pregnant, it now looked as if we had been very careless and foolish.  Nobody was more upset about it than I was!  .....Isn't it sad that we would ever view such a wonderful gift from God in this way?  The things that the world places value on and calls success are clearly not what God values and esteems.  How foolish I was at the time!  As it would turn out,  my sweet little baby (Ryleigh) was actually my special gift that God was giving me to help me get through these difficult times!  My sufferings and my hardships at the moment were only temporary.  Yet this LIFE inside of me was everlasting and eternal!   

It is easy to lose perspective while in the "cave" or the "pit."  After all, you are surrounded by darkness.  Today I understand that it is my children who are my most prized and delightful inheritance from God.   Some people may look on our life during this time and see failure.  I can look back now and see reward and favor.  It would continue to get harder and much darker, but God never left my side.  He continued to keep me secure in His love and in His unmerited favor.  

Sons are a heritage from the LORD,

Children a reward from Him.

Like arrows in the hands of a warrior,

Are sons born in one's youth.

Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them.

They will not be put to shame,

When they contend with their enemies in the gate.

Psalms 127:3-5