Again, I tell my story not to point out any one person or church (which is why I will not mention names in these cases) but to hopefully bring attention (and healing) to a condition that is prevalent in our churches today. There is a lack of genuine love in our churches. I also found, during this time, that when you are in the pit, this is often compounded by a lack of honor and basic dignity. We have allowed worldly status to blind us to the value of each and every member within the Body (especially the wounded). Had I not experienced this for myself, I would have never understood how isolating and depleting it is. Not only does God instruct us (as a Body) to value each and every member, He goes a step further. He tells us: "....those parts of the body that seem weaker are indispensable, and the parts that we think are less honorable we treat with special honor." I Corinthians 12: 22&23. Think about it, how often do we see this being practiced in our churches?
The last couple of years, before my husband moved out, are like a blur to me. He had descended into a very dark place that I did not understand. I did not know how to reach him or help pull him out of it. I felt like we were all drowning in the consequences of his choices, and I was beginning to become very resentful and angry over it all. There were so many things that were being done (or not done) and as a result, everything in our world was completely out of control. There was even one night that I had to load my children up in our van and leave town to keep it from being repossessed. This was because the money that was suppose to go toward this payment had been put toward something else (again, unbeknownst to me). Our house in Clay had been taken for the same reason, yet for a long period of time, this was hidden from me. From one day to the next, I never knew what our next crisis would be. It honestly felt as though my husband had now (unknowingly) joined camps with the enemy for the destruction of our family.
During this time, I felt more isolated in the church than ever before. I felt as though I was being judged for the sins of my husband and it did not seem fair. I suppose that this is the reason why God warns us to not be "unequally yoked," yet at this point in my life, what could I do about it? I would be judged if I left him, yet I was being judged for staying with him.
I felt that I desperately needed counsel as to what I needed to do, so I called two highly respected local pastors to see if one of them might be willing to meet with me and give me some objective counsel. When I called the first pastor, I was told by his secretary that it would be two weeks before I could see him. I was so desperate at this point, I decided to wait it out.
When the time came around, I was relieved to hopefully be receiving some godly wisdom and insight. Yet, from the moment I walked into this pastor's office, I could sense that he was not happy I was there (I wish I had turned around at that point and just left). To my knowledge, this pastor did not know anything about me prior to this meeting (I might have been wrong) but by the look on his face, I believe that he was appalled that I had even asked for this meeting. Knowing what I know today, I now understand this response. After all, I was not even a member of his church. Back then, however, I was very naive about Christians. I honestly believed that, as Christians, we are all family or part of the body of Christ. I expected to be received and loved immediately because of the Holy Spirit living inside of him, but this was not the case at all.
He introduced himself to me, but did not crack a smile the entire time I was there. As I sat down and tried to get into my story and why I was there, he just stared at me and never acknowledged (verbally or with any gesture) anything I was saying. He just sat there with a blank look of displeasure on his face. At this point, I began to get nervous and uncomfortable. I suddenly felt intimidated and my voice began to shake. I still tried to continue on, hoping that God would show up at some point and take over this meeting, but it never happened. I never even got to the reason I was there.
At some point in this meeting, he said to me (in a very harsh tone), "You need to be in church. You need to be serving God!" I was taken aback by this response. How did he know whether or not I was serving God? I wondered. All I had talked to him about at that point were the hard things my family was going through. I had not come into his office and asked him for anything. I simply wanted his advice and wisdom (and possibly a prayer). The only thing I could see that might have triggered this response was that I had confessed to him that I had recently "pulled away" from my church.
I did not just sit there and take this unfair judgment of my life and service to God, however. At that moment, I felt strength rise up inside of me, and I defended myself!
"I do serve God," I said. "Church is not the only place where we can serve God. In fact, there is a family with five boys who moved in down the street that I have been ministering to and praying for regularly. I had no idea why I felt so burdened for this particular family until I found out two weeks ago, when their grandfather passed away, that he had been praying for the salvation of his family (this particular family). It was then that I also found out that he was a member of this church and this family has been on your church's prayer request list for more than 20 years."
He knew exactly who I was talking about and about this entire situation, and after this, his attitude toward me changed just a bit. Still, the entire meeting was one of the worst experiences I have ever had. I had never in my life been made to feel more dishonored or harshly judged. I just wanted to get out of there!
It was these types of experiences that made me feel weak and all of those deep wounds and insecurities from my childhood were being heavily targeted by the enemy during this time. The circumstances surrounding my life were beginning to define me, and it wasn't because of my own insecurities or lack of self-confidence, it was because of the way others were treating me. We can never overestimate the strength that comes from being valued and honored by others. When this is stripped away, it can have devastating effects. I want to make this point loud and clear because I cannot bear the thought of anyone (especially the wounded) being treated the way that I was, by the Body of Christ! I felt that I was becoming weaker and weaker.
Although I had not received good counsel or support, I realized (on my own) that I had to find a way to forgive my husband. I knew that if I continued to be angry, it was going to destroy me and my children. I also knew that I could not forgive him in my own strength. One night as I lay in my bed, I poured my heart out to God over this. I confessed to God that I couldn't forgive him because he was destroying our family by his actions. I asked God to please help me! After saying this prayer, I fell asleep.
When I woke up the next morning, this scripture immediately came to my mind: For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Ephesians 6:12 After this scripture was brought to my mind, I then felt God speak to my heart, more clearly than I ever had in my life, these words: I will not allow your husband to destroy this family. I will give him one more chance to turn to Me. If he doesn't, I will remove him.
I had never in my life been more confident of what God had spoken to me! In fact, I called my sister-in-law and two of my close friends to let them know what God had just said to me. I had no idea what this meant or how God would bring this about, but I can honestly say that from that point on (and to this day) I have not struggled with anger or resentment toward my husband again. It was fear and helplessness that was at the root of my anger, and God helped me realize this. After receiving this reassurance that God would have the final say with my family, the fear was gone.
At the same time I had called the first local minister and asked for a meeting, I had also called Bro. George Matheson (the pastor of Auburn United Methodist Church). Bro. Matheson had immediately returned my phone call and personally left the kindest, most welcoming message on my answering machine. He had told me that he would love to meet with me anytime. Although I had been told that I would have to wait for a meeting with the first minister, I had decided to wait for him simply because he was a Baptist minister. Since I had never attended a Methodist church before, I did not know what to expect. After this experience, however, I decided a Methodist church would be just fine for my family. I did not meet with Bro. Matheson, because I was not yet recovered from my previous meeting, but I decided to take my family to church there.
Although I kept to myself for the most part, I felt immediately loved and received at Auburn United Methodist Church (AUMC). I now like to refer to this church as "the church of love." I felt no judgment here and my children also felt loved and cared for. This was the perfect church for my family during this time! Not only were we loved, we were treated with honor and dignity. I praise God for sending me the help I needed, because my hardships were about to hit a climax. I don't think I would have made it through without the love I received through this church!
Kaylee continued to struggle with her health, and AUMC made her a part of their prayer pager ministry. She was given a prayer pager and put on a prayer list. Every time someone prayed for her, they would call the number and the pager would go off to let her know she had just been prayed for. It was such a comforting sound to hear the pager go off and to know that she was being lifted up in prayer at that very moment. I am confident that every prayer going up during this time played a significant part in bringing about her healing that was to come. This church believed in the healing hand of God and did not limit God or "put Him in a box." This was another thing that I loved!
During my very darkest times, I had a couple of friends that walked very closely with me. I did not let many people into my dark world because it was shameful and humiliating. It was also heavy and overwhelming for them! One of these people was a lady by the name of Erica Windham. Erica took my family "under her wing" during this time and it was truly like nothing I had ever witnessed in my life. She literally carried my burden as her own. She cried with me. She prayed with me. She counseled my children and took on their burdens as well. I honestly don't know how she did all that she did (other than by the grace of God). I don't think I am going too far to say that she saved my life with her love for us!
Erica does not like for me to say this, but I truly believe that she has the gift of prophesy. It's funny because she says the same about me, yet neither of us want to have this gift. She once bought a book about the gift of prophesy, and as we looked through it, we couldn't understand why anyone would desire this gift (although Paul tells us in the book of I Corinthians that this should be desired above all gifts). The book explains that those with the gift of prophesy are often times isolated, without many friends, heavily burdened and sad, etc... We just didn't get it! It's not as if anyone was ever going to believe anything either of us had to say anyway!
Many people don't believe that the gift of prophesy still exist, and I don't really know the answer to this. Even so, there were times when Erica spoke that I knew without a doubt it was God speaking through her. If you know Erica, you can tell the difference when she is speaking for herself or delivering a message from God. There were so many times, throughout this, when she spoke for God. When she did, I felt a strength rise up in me!
One night she showed up at my house, her Bible in hand, with a message for me from God. I will never forget this night! She spoke with boldness and confidence as she explained to me that God was calling me to fast. She went on to explain that something was going to happen in 40 days (from that day) and that God needed me to fast in order to prepare for it. One of the funny things about Erica is that after she speaks with such boldness, she will either forget about it later or not believe it anymore. This particular night, however, I don't think either of us will ever forget!
At the time, I knew very little about fasting, but I was not about to question her (or God) on this one. I could feel God's presence, and because I was in a desperate place, I could not afford to miss anything God might have for me! I decided to do a three day fast from everything but water (and a little juice.) I had never done anything like that before. I can honestly say that I haven't fasted to that extent since. It's amazing what a little desperation will do for your will-power! Although I had to work, go to class, and do many things for my family, I fasted and prayed constantly for the deliverance of my family!
Throughout my time of fasting, my faith had remained steadfast. When it ended, however, I began to doubt a little. I didn't really think about the "40 days" again. I didn't count the days or wait for anything to happen. I had simply done what I was instructed to do. .....I never would have anticipated or believed what was coming and why it was so critical that I be spiritually prepared for this day! My world was about to be turned upside down!
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