"It is shameful even to mention what the disobedient do in secret. But everything exposed by the light becomes visible - and everything that is illuminated becomes light."
Ephesians 5:12&13
It was unbelievable how quickly everything we had worked so hard for just crumbled before our eyes. I sometimes think back and wonder if there was anything I could have done differently. Although it is really pointless to dwell on things that we cannot go back and change, I will share with you some things that I believe I could have handled better.
First of all, I wish I had been a stronger, more consistent, godly example to my husband through the years. Although I did have my moments of strength and trust, and I always tried to point my husband to God, my actions would often times not line up with my words. I would tell my husband that we didn't need to worry over finances, yet I was visibly shaken with every job loss. These wounds and fears from my childhood were deep and continually taunting me. While I handled other areas of our life with great strength and faith, when it came to this one area, I was very inconsistent and fearful.
As things continued to get worse and worse, and the dishonesty became so destructive, I had moments of crying, yelling, and even a time I made my husband leave the house (this was when I found out about losing my house in Clay). I did not handle many of these instances well, and I often times intensified everything with my responses. Although I honestly don't believe there was much more I could have done to stop things from falling apart, I know that God was not pleased with my responses at times. There were times I was an emotional wreck! I also know this made things much harder on the children (especially Kaylee).
During this time, there was a prayer that I prayed constantly (sometimes several times a day/sometimes face down on the floor). I now have it completely put to memory:
Oh Lord, hear my prayer,
listen to my cry for mercy;
in your faithfulness and righteousness
come to my relief.
Do not bring your servant into judgment,
for no one living is righteous before you.
The enemy pursues me,
he crushes me to the ground;
he makes me dwell in darkness
like those long dead.
So my spirit grows faint within me;
my heart within me is dismayed.
I remember the days of long ago;
(I always changed this part to not so long ago)
I meditate on all your works
and consider what your hands have done.
I spread my hands out to you;
my soul thirst for you like a parched land.
Answer me quickly, O Lord;
my spirit fails.
Do not hide your face from me
or I will be like those who go down to the pit.
Let the morning bring me word of your
unfailing love,
for I have put my trust in you.
Show me the way I should go,
for to you I lift my soul.
Rescue me from my enemies, O Lord,
for I hide myself in you.
Teach me to do your will,
for you are my God;
may your good spirit lead me on level ground.
For your name's sake, O Lord, preserve my life;
in your righteousness, bring me out of trouble.
In your unfailing love, silence my enemies;
destroy all my foes,
for I am your servant.
Psalms 143
As hard as things got, I never lost complete hope of being rescued. There were so many wonderful praise songs that kept me going throughout this time. I always felt that prayer and praise were my best weapons against the enemy and his schemes against our family! This was how I would regain my strength!
The atmosphere in our home had become increasingly dark, and even eerie, toward the end. There was a heavy oppression that is difficult to adequately describe. I honestly hated being in that house. I knew my husband was in a very bad place, and I couldn't seem to get anyone to understand what I was dealing with. I even found a stash of suicide letters hidden deep in a kitchen cabinet which had been written to everyone in his family. (Again, my husband has given me permission to share these things) There were other instances also that led me to believe that my husband was very suicidal.
One night, I got up to go to the bathroom and saw my husband standing in front of the computer looking at something. He would look at the screen for a minute, then he would back up and look around to make sure nobody was watching him. I obviously realized that there were secretive things going on, but I didn't even want to think about what it was.
One day I had received a letter from the Department of Education stating that our student loans had gone into default. Once again, I was shocked by this! I had been under the impression that these were being deferred because of our current financial hardships. Yet at some point, this had not been properly handled either. By the time I found out about it, nearly $20,000 in penalties had been tacked on to the total amount! We only owed a little over $30,000 right out of college between the two of us (for three degrees) and had even paid on these for several years. Now suddenly, we owed over $50,000!
I tried calling and writing letters, explaining that I felt my husband had experienced a nervous breakdown due to numerous job losses and that, at some point, he had just stopped taking care of things. I begged for mercy! I was told, however, that once the loans had gone into default, nothing could be done about it. This was another crushing blow! It just didn't seem right, on top of everything else, that our family would be penalized, to THIS degree, following so many job layoffs. It was like someone sticking a knife in the wound. It made me physically sick to think how that money could have gone toward our children's educations down the road. Again, it was like dominoes falling down, one thing after another, and I couldn't control any of it.
When I think back, I wish that I had taken charge of all our bills and finances, and gotten control sooner. But remember, I was also focusing on a sick child at the time who could not go to school and trying to keep the rest of my children's daily lives in tact. I was working part time, going back to school, and I still had two children who were not yet school age. I was struggling with the daily challenges of life as well. Most of these things were happening simultaneously (I just found out about it at different times).
Along with all of these shocking events, there were checks bouncing because my husband would not document what he was taking out of the bank or let me know anything. Although he had a job toward the end, his pay had nearly been cut in half, which made it impossible to function day to day without communicating these things to one another.
Although everything was continuing to get bleaker, I have never been a person to give up. I was willing to do whatever I had to do to get us out of this. I was back in school, trying to finish up the required classes to get into the accelerated nursing program at Auburn University. I had just been accepted into the program on a full scholarship. It had required a lot of work (test, essays, interviews, etc) to make this happen.
One night, while I was at work, things "hit the fan" back at our house. My older children had grown tired of the secretive things that were going on, and there was a huge altercation between them and my husband (particularly Kaylee). Because Kaylee has always been very discerning, she had discovered some things that were going on and had confronted these things. The way she went about this (which naturally was disrespectful) set my husband off! He had never had a temper at all prior to this. One thing led to another, and it ended with my children leaving the house and coming to find me.
At this point, we knew something had to be done. My friend, Erica, was now very concerned for us and about all of my husband's secrecy. She felt that we needed to investigate the home computer to see if we could find something that might help explain his bizarre behavior. My husband had gone on to bed after this incident, so we decided to go to the house and look around. I don't even know what it was we were expecting to find, but God was leading us every step of the way on this particular night. When we drove up to the house, Erica felt that, instead of going to the computer, God was leading her to go look inside of my husband's car.
I am not going to discuss the details of what we found this night. I feel like this is something that my husband should share when he is ready to talk about it. I will say this, however; it was not at all what I was expecting. It was also not something that could be kept hidden. I knew that God had led us to discover the secrets of his dark world for a reason and that I was going to have to be the one to bring this into the light. I also knew, that by doing this, it could cost him his job and possibly everything. I was completely devastated and terrified for my family!
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