Our Story, Part Ten

"If we are faithless,

He remains faithful;

He cannot deny Himself."

2 Timothy 2:13

There is really no way to adequately describe the darkness that surrounded our lives over these next few years without giving every specific detail.  It honestly felt as though I was living my worst nightmare.  There were so many
excruciatingly hard things that took place throughout this time.  It was like an avalanche of consequences raining down on every area of our lives.  Another way I might describe it would be like dominoes falling.  One thing impacts another and then another and before you know it, it is all falling down around you.  

I wish that I could give you a testimony that was one of strength, trust, and unwavering faith at this point.  I have to confess, however, that I went through a period of time where I felt very disillusioned.  I felt broken and crushed in my spirit.  I couldn't even bring myself to pray.  I felt that I had no strength left to fight.  Taking care of my children's needs was the only thing that kept me from sinking into a deep depression.  I honestly felt as though the enemy had won.  

When I think back, I now understand that none of this caught God by surprise.  Not only had He known it was coming, He had been trying to prepare me for it.  I wasn't angry with God during this period of time; I just didn't understand.  I was overcome with a sadness that I cannot even put into words.  Knowing that I would never have my own house again, while my children were young and it really mattered, was one of the hardest things for me.  Sometimes I would think about the dream.  I would think about the light at the end of that cave.  This was the tiny piece of hope that I continued to cling to.

During this time, I began to understand the mindset of a person who is poor and without hope.  You resort to living only from day to day because you cannot even bear to think about your future.  There is no way to really plan, budget, or to make smart decisions about the future, because it is truly insurmountable!  There were times when I didn't know where the money would come from to pay the next bill.  I was afraid to answer the phone.  I was afraid to go to the mailbox because there always seemed to be something unexpected that would go wrong during this time. The stress of it all truly does bring out the worst in everyone involved.

One example of the "dominoes falling" came one Christmas Eve when I hit someone from behind at a traffic light.  I was driving home that night from visiting a friend when I got confused about which intersection I was at and glanced off the road a little too long.  Again, my stress level always seemed to impact my ability to focus and to think.  I did not realize the light ahead was turning red, and by the time I realized it, I did not have enough time to come to a stop.  This would turn out to be a devastating error.  

Although nobody was injured, our car was totaled.  Unbeknownst to me, my husband had not made the payment on our car insurance in a couple of months.     During this time there were numerous things that my husband just stopped doing.  He had just given up on life completely and I now understand was on the verge of a "nervous breakdown."  Although the lady I hit had not been seriously injured and immediately returned to work (one of my close friends was a co-worker of hers) she claimed many hardships and decided to sue us.  Because I did not have insurance at the time of the accident, my license was then suspended until the court case could be settled. 

As a result, I couldn't drive for several months. I had 6 children dependent on me (none of whom were yet driving) and I was trapped like a prisoner in my home.  It was one of the most humiliating times in my life.  I would have to call my friends to get rides to work or anywhere else I needed to go.  This situation, on top of everything else, made life almost unbearable.  Although my husband was still living in the house at this time, we were barely communicating at all.

As for Kaylee, her decline in health was very fast. I am not sure what exactly triggered this, but it could have been a number of factors.  First of all, we were no longer doing the diet.  She was just entering into puberty around this time as well.  Earlier in the year, she had also come down with a very bad case of the flu that had really set her back.  The hardships we were facing as a family were probably the "straw that broke the camel's back" in this case, and I had not stuck to God's original instructions about not showing my emotions in front of her.  In fact, there were times I had completely "fallen apart." Regardless of the reason (or number of reasons) it came back on her with a vengeance! 

I took her to a gastrointestinal doctor in Montgomery who wanted to immediately admit her into the hospital and start her on Prednisone.  This doctor told me that Kaylee was now showing signs of having three different auto-immune diseases: Crohn's disease, Celiacs and Rheumatoid Arthritus. 

When I let this doctor know that I wanted to treat Kaylee's condition with diet, she was not very happy about it (neither was Kaylee's pediatrician).  I narrowly escaped her being admitted into the hospital (where I think this decision might have been taken out of my hands) because there were reports that a tornado was coming through the Montgomery area that evening.  

Both of these doctors later called me at home to plead with me about putting Kaylee back on medication.  Although finances (and my job) would keep me from being able to do the diet to the extent I needed to, I did the best I could.  Within a month, we were able to get her weight back up, which was a sign that she was at least absorbing her nutrients and out of immediate danger.  As soon as Kaylee's weight was better, I took her back to her pediatrician's office to show them our results.  She had put 10 lbs back on in a little over a month's time.  I wanted this to be documented.

I had been forced to pull Kaylee out of school at this time also.  The stress was clearly a contributing factor in bringing on her symptoms as well.  I really had no choice but to try to teach her at home, which I knew would not be easy to do while working (I was also taking college courses at this time to try and get into a field that would pay better than Social Work).  It honestly felt like an impossible task along with everything else! I was very worried about her falling behind academically.  I just did not know what else to do and her health had to come first.

During this time, I tried to get her doctors to work with me on a plan to help get her back in school.   One doctor told me that I needed to teach her to handle the stress rather than always trying to remove it.  She explained to me that at some point in Kaylee's life she was going to have to do this on her own.  Although I completely agreed, I did not know how to go about teaching her this.  It was all very overwhelming!  Our life became a juggling act of just trying to keep her symptoms "at bay."  During these years, Kaylee was never really well.  The best I could do was to simply keep her out of immediate danger.  There were still nights when her pain was so severe that she later told me she thought she was going to die.

Throughout this time, there were some wonderful people that God sent in the midst of the darkness.  One of these people was a man by the name of James Martin.  James did everything he could to reach out to our family and to try to turn my husband to God.  He would drop in to check on us and to pray with us throughout the very darkest moments.  When I look back on this time, he was a continual light and hope to me in the darkness.  To this day, every time I see him, he lets me know that he still prays for our family. 

There were certainly some negative experiences  within my church throughout this time.  I was even  criticized for working while trying to educate Kaylee at home.  It wasn't everyone, but I just couldn't seem to escape the ongoing, harsh judgment, and this made me pull away from church and keep to myself.  

As I mentioned earlier, there were also those rare individuals who reached out to us and truly showed us the love of Christ.  This was what kept us going so many times.  Even the smallest act of love, like dropping in to check on us or saying a prayer with us, always seemed to come at a time that we needed the reassurance that God had not forgotten us.  I want to mention these individuals in case I am not able to talk about the specifics of how they blessed us. You don't ever forget the ones who reach out to you in your darkest hour.  I am sure there were others (and this does not include family) but these people come to my mind often.  I pray that God will return the blessing to each and every one of you! (James Martin, Keith and Erica Windham,  Jim and Joyce Bolton, Emmy Sorrells, Nick and Kathy Autrey, Kay Gillock, Amy Sorter, Regina Barrett, Beth Baker, Carolyn Lipscomb, Rick and Katherine Smith, Skip Johnston, Rick and Sissy Reynolds, Dr. Gregory Rape *unknown premed. student at Mercy Medical Clinic.)

I honestly don't know what I would have done throughout this time had there not been these lights that God placed in the darkness.  I once heard a pastor by the name of Duane Miller say: "There are times when our life seems to be in a grave, in a pit, and there is no explanation for the pit that we find ourselves in."  I honestly felt that this was where I was for a very long time.  

There was a song that came out around this time called "Held" by Natalie Grant.  The song is about the pain a mother experiences when she loses a baby.  Although I don't pretend to know the pain of losing a child, and I hope I never will, there was a verse in the chorus that made me weep the first time I heard it:

This is what it means to be loved and to know 

that the promise was, when everything fell, 

we'd be held. 

When I think back to this time in my life, those words best describe what took place.  I didn't feel that I was faithful or strong or any of the things I thought I would be.  I simply felt that I was being held in the arms of the most loving, merciful, compassionate and faithful Heavenly Father.  It's so great to know that God's faithfulness is not dependent on how well we handle these hard times in our lives.  

I hope that I never have to revisit that dark place again.  I hope that I have experienced enough of the pit to never forget what it feels like.  I hope that my children have experienced enough to realize how critical it is that we love and reach out to others who are there.  As I said before, we are all that God has as a physical presence to demonstrate His love to those who need it.  Our pastor put it so perfectly in the sermon I heard this past Sunday.  He said that people often ask where God is throughout the difficult times we all face, when worldly disasters come and the horrible, unthinkable things that some people go through in this life.  He went on to explain that God is always there, but that He chooses to use you and I.  He has set things up so that we (the body of Christ) can demonstrate His love and our hope to a lost and hurting world.  I am forever grateful to those who did this for my family!