Our Story, Part Forty-Four (You Must Master It)

 "If you do well, 

won't you be accepted?

But if you don't do well, 

sin is lying outside your door

ready to attack.

It wants to control you,

but you must master it."

(Genesis 4:7)

For more than nine years, we battled for my daughter's healing from incurable, debilitating disease. After finally winning this battle, I found myself in an entirely new battle altogether - a battle for our testimony!  Satan was not happy about the battle he had lost over Kaylee's life, and he did not want the word getting out about the power of united prayer and love that had overcome him on that night.  This is where I am in our story.  Unfortunately, just as Kaylee's own immune system was targeting and attacking her vital organs from within, we often do the same to one another within the church - through gossip and secret talk against one another.  This is one of Satan's greatest tactics against us.  

God was still working through our testimony, and I was trying hard to follow His leading. But Satan was still at work through the brokenness that he had created as well.  It is vital that we work through our issues, and even if we don't agree on everything, that we love and support each and every member within The Body of Christ.  Sin is always lying outside the door, desiring to control us.  But we must master it. 

"Make every effort to keep yourselves united in the Spirit, binding yourselves together with peace."  (Ephesians 4:3)

Although God had begun a miraculous work inside of me, helping me to forgive my accusers and to keep my focus on the good that had been done for my family, things did not change within the church. The feeling did not seem to be reciprocated. This let me know for certain what I had already suspected. It was not really about forgiving one another, letting things go, or moving on (as many people tried to tell me). It was still about the things I had been accused of and the secret talk against me, which remained unresolved. I was not going to be accepted or received until my name was cleared of the charges against me.  Yet what more could I do? At times it felt like a dagger in my heart when I was shunned, but the children and I eventually just learned to laugh about it. The on-going joke, when we left the house to head to church each Sunday, was my son saying, "Don't forget your black hat and broom!"   ...And this was just what we had to accept. 

Sunday after Sunday, we walked it out. I would put a smile on my face, slip into the back of the church (which was the only place I felt comfortable) and try to remain focused on the worship, the message, and on God.  Yet sometimes, no matter how hard I tried not to think about it, a horrible feeling would come over me. This just wasn't right! How could Satan have pulled this off? Nobody should feel isolated and cut off in a church. How long could this go on? 

Along with the horrible feeling that would overwhelm me at times, the messages coming out of Birmingham would also often stir up those feelings in me as well.  The main pastor was continually unknowingly addressing the on-going problem: We are the Body of Christ; We are to love our neighbors as ourselves; Each and every soul is valuable to God; Each and every member within the Body has a special contribution, purpose, calling or assignment.  As hard as I as tried to keep my focus, I couldn't help but sometimes think: Do they think these messages apply to everyone BUT me?  Am I the one exception to all that the Bible teaches?  As the sting of rejection continued, it was becoming harder and harder to sit through each sermon.      

In these weak moments, the pastor's words, from years back, would often come to my mind: "Do not let it distract you." 

I still believed that God had a calling on my life, and although I would have much preferred a less controversial calling and a little more support, that passion to reach out and offer hope to the sick and oppressed was not going away.  I knew what it felt like to be in the position of not knowing what to do or how I should pray. But God had taught me so much throughout that nine year period.  More than anything else, I wanted to share this hope with others. 

It is never easy to be sure of the calling God has on your life, but it is even harder for a woman who does not have a husband or pastor to go to for advice, counsel and prayer. This had been a struggle of mine for a very long time. Finally, after hearing a sermon in which the main pastor reminded us of the importance of pursuing our calling, I decided to "come out of hiding" and asked for a meeting with the new pastor. At this point, I felt desperate for godly counsel. 

I could tell from the start of this meeting that this new pastor had not been told anything negative about me, or if he had, he hid it well.  This was quite a relief to me.  After I told him about Kaylee's healing (which I had already mentioned in the email requesting this meeting) he was very kind and respectful and said, "Let me hear your heart."  

One of my hesitations in moving forward and sharing our testimony (in addition to all of the controversy) had been that so many people would tell me that God had chosen to heal Kaylee, but that this did not mean I should encourage others to believe for their own healing. In other words, I should not give people false hope. I had really struggled with this viewpoint, mainly because I knew that the choice I had made to believe for her healing, along with the choice to continue to pray even when I did not see results, had been imperative. I also knew there had been an intense spiritual battle surrounding Kaylee's healing. From my experiences, I now understood that it is not always about God's choice, but also about persistent prayers, faith, endurance, unity of the Body of Christ (our army), fasting and our viewpoint from the start concerning disease and healing.

"And because of their unbelief, he couldn't do any miracles among them except to place his hands on a few sick people and heal them."  (Mark 6:5)


Satan had tried to stop my prayers for Kaylee's healing from the start, and all the way down to the final hour, with the misconception that we should accept disease because God can be glorified through it. I knew that there were many others out there struggling with this very same viewpoint. This viewpoint had become an obstacle, and had I accepted it, Kaylee would not be healed today.

I had lived it, and I wanted to encourage others to fight! But who is going to fight with endurance after something they do not even believe in the first place? God had shown me that disease is darkness, not something meant to glorify Him. If we surrender to the enemy from the start by accepting disease as God's plan for our life, what hope do we have? How will we ever receive a miracle?  I tried to explain this to the pastor. 

"I have a testimony to share," I told him. "But I don't want to share it if I can't offer hope to those who are sick. I don't want anyone to believe that God did something for my child that is not for them too. If I believed that, I wouldn't even want to share our testimony at all. People are suffering out there. I have seen it. I watched my own child suffer for years. I know what it's like to feel hopeless."  

My eyes began to tear up as that overwhelming feeling came back on me again. 

"I want people to know that God loves them.  He hates what they're going through! They are never without hope!"  

The pastor listened to every word, and seemed to hear what I was I saying.  

"I like that," he said after he let me finish.  "Those are words of life that you're wanting to offer others. That's good."

It was such a relief to be allowed to share my heart and the passion God had given me for the sick.  I knew there was a reason I was back at this church, even with the on-going controversy, and this was it.  God had given me that sermon on healing through this church, and that sermon summed up my entire message.  Just because we don't understand, and just because everyone we pray for is not healed, this doesn't mean we should stop asking or pursuing what the Bible teaches us about a TWO-fold provision. Jesus already paid the price to free us from sin AND disease.

My meeting with the pastor went well for the most part, but as we continued to talk, he seemed more concerned about the state of my marriage than on the calling I felt on my life. When I asked him if he would pray about all of this, he told me instead that he would be praying for my husband and my marriage. It wasn't exactly what I had hoped for, but even so, I was happy to accept any prayers from him at this point. More than anything else, I was happy that he had received me with love and treated me with dignity.   

"If your marriage can be restored, now that would be a true miracle!" he told me as I was leaving.

After this meeting, I felt more hopeful about things and about being able to stay at this church.  I hoped that if I continued to walk it out, God would take care of everything else in time.  

It wasn't too long after this that I ran into Beverly at T.J. Max.  I was there with Kaylee, but Kaylee was across the store when I saw Beverly from the back. I had not spoken with her since our meeting with Pastor Stan (other than the brief phone call afterwards).  My first thought was that I wanted to go the other way and avoid her, but then I remembered what God had done for me with Jackie and her husband.  There was still an ache in my heart because I strongly suspected she had been behind a lot of what was being said about me. But I decided that if I could just go through the motions of being friendly with her, perhaps God would take over from there. So instead of going the other direction, I went out of my way to speak to her. 

In the beginning, I could feel the tension (mainly within me), but as we continued to talk, I began to relax. I hadn't had time to plan out what I was going to say, but during our very brief conversation, I found myself telling her how well Kaylee was doing. We had recently received blood work at the doctor that had come back completely normal.  

"She's here in the store somewhere. I really wish you could see her!"  I told her. 

(It had been just over 3 years since her prayer service and healing.) 

I talked to her as if there had been no controversy at all, as I explained how we had continued to stand firm in her healing, even when symptoms would try to return.  I really wasn't sure what her position was on Kaylee's healing, but I wasn't even thinking about that.  Once again, all I could think about was that she had been a part of bringing this healing about. 


After we finished talking, I set out to find Kaylee. I wanted Beverly to see it for herself.  It was very much the same motivation I had when sending the picture of Kaylee to the main pastor.  I felt that Kaylee had somehow been lost in all of this. Although Kaylee was not crazy about the idea, after all the controversy, I felt compelled to show Beverly the evidence of what God had done through their prayers! The only way to combat the lies of the enemy was with the truth.  Kaylee was, in fact, the undeniable evidence of what God had done on that night. 

Kaylee and Beverly had never formally met, so I introduced them to one another as I enthusiastically announced that Kaylee had gained more than 20lbs since the night they had prayed for her.

Beverly looked toward Kaylee with a smile and told her, "I am glad that you're feeling better."


 Feeling better?  I thought.  

Satan had surely done a work in downplaying the miracle that God had performed in Kaylee's life.  Yet I realized that was the best she could give us. She had not seen how bad off Kaylee was in the years before her healing.  She likely did not understand the seriousness of the disease we had battled for so long. After so much controversy, it was possible she didn't believe a healing had taken place at all. 

But suddenly, that didn't seem so important.  A miracle had taken place, and she had been a part of it. 

As we were walking off, I turned back around and said, "And thank you for the part you played in it."

It wasn't exactly the same freeing and overflowing feeling of gratitude and forgiveness I had felt  toward Jackie and her husband, but I hoped it was a step in the right direction.  


Unfortunately, as bad as things had been when I left the church, I truly had no idea the extent of the damage that had been done. Looking back on these moments now, I think perhaps God was giving us all a last opportunity to move in the direction of peace. As long as things remained in this broken state, Satan still had room to work against us.  As I continued to move forward in the plan I felt God had on my life, I was about to find out how bad things really were.     

 

















  








  

Our Story, Part Forty-Three (Love Covers a Multitude of Sin)

"Above all, 
love each other deeply.

Because love covers a multitude of sin."

(I Peter 4:8)

During the years I was away from this church, I was never settled in my spirit or at peace with the way things had been left. I felt that our testimony had significant purpose, and to leave things in this broken state was exactly what the enemy wanted. Yet every effort I made to try and fix things or to reconcile only seemed to further validate the enemy's case against me. It was a vicious trap, and every effort to break free seemed to entangle me more. 

Even those who did believe me about what had really happened -once they realized how hopeless it was- would tell me that it didn't matter what anyone thought or said about me. But it mattered to me! If our reputations are of no relevance, why does God tell us to guard them? Why does His word say: 

"A good name is rather to be chosen that great riches, and loving favour rather than silver or gold"? (Proverbs 22:1)
  
Of course there are always going to be people who don't like us in this world. If someone doesn't like us because of our stand for Christ or our personal convictions, THAT is when it should not matter. We have to stand firm in who we are and what we believe, not allowing the opinion of others to affect or change us. Also, if someone does not like us because of our past or a sin that we have repented of and turned away from, we can't concern ourselves too much with that either. But when people do not like us because of a lie of the enemy or a vicious rumor that has been stirred up and perpetuated within a church, that is an entirely different thing. It is isolating, depleting and destructive. It can shut down our witness, our testimony, and even the calling God has on our lives.
      
A few years ago I heard a sermon at First Baptist Church Woodstock by Pastor Johnny Hunt on this very subject.  He told us a story about something that had happened to him early on in his ministry. He had been scheduled for several speaking engagements, but suddenly without explanation, he began receiving phone calls letting him know that he was no longer needed to speak. Nobody gave him any real explanation, but he knew something was very wrong. As he began to ask questions, he soon discovered that the reason for the cancellations was based on gossip (a false rumor). This rumor, which had first started within his church, had then made its way outside the church and spread like wildfire. 

Eventually he had been able to get to the bottom of things, and was able to confront the woman who had started the rumor that he was on his second marriage.  This presented a big problem within the Baptist church for a pastor. It was all a big misunderstanding, based on a partial truth.  He had married at a young age, during a time when he was not walking with God.  He was later saved and then eventually became a pastor. But the truth was, he was still married to the same woman. This rumor could have had devastating consequences on his ministry had he not been able to find out what was being spread around about him in secret.  

When gossip and rumors are going around, it is the hardest thing to clear up because the person being talked about is left in the dark. Fortunately for this pastor, it was a rumor that could easily be cleared up.  How much harder is it to clear up a rumor or gossip that cannot be proven (like a motive of your heart)? And how much harder when it is being spread by people with power and position in a church?

This message had definitely struck a cord with me because this was exactly what I knew had happened to me following Kaylee's healing.  I knew that something had been spread around about me in this church.  I had an idea of what it was, because of Erica and The Bait of Satan book, but I couldn't really prove anything one way or another. Nobody had been completely honest or upfront with me. Even the few things I knew I was being accused of, from my meeting with Pastor Stan and Beverly, were things that I could not prove because they were judgments of my motives.  

Furthermore, I was a person who didn't really matter that much in the church (a disregarded member). If false rumors or gossip were being spread around about someone of position, few people would say that it didn't matter what anyone else thought or said.  It is essential that a pastor, elder, deacon or teacher keep his good name. Most people within the congregation would quickly jump to the defense of their pastor. It was a helpless feeling to continually be told, by those who knew the truth, that it didn't matter what anyone was saying about me.  It was as though my witness, my testimony, and the calling I felt that God had on my life were insignificant and didn't really matter either. After all, nobody was going to believe the testimony of a person who had secretly been labeled as a manipulator (or furthermore a "wolf").

After Pastor Stan left, my decision to return to the church had a lot to do with my children and how the church had helped them grow spiritually.  For a mother (without a husband in my home) this was a top priority.  Also, as I stated before, I continued to feel a strong calling on my life to encourage people to believe and pray for physical healing.  In order to continue to grow in this area, I felt that this church had something I needed.   

I remember my first day back vividly.  Walking up to the church, we passed right by Beverly and her husband.  They did not acknowledge us, but kept looking straight ahead as we passed. Although I knew there was a possibility they hadn't noticed us, we were a hard family to miss.  Even so, I tried not to think too much about it. I had not acknowledged them either.

As we got closer, I also noticed Sally out of the corner of my eye. I glanced at her only briefly, but couldn't help but notice that she did not take her eyes off of me.  I knew right away it was not going to be easy, and as it would turn out, it seemed that every Sunday from that point forward, I would have to pass right by either Jackie or Sally (or sometimes both) as I entered into the sanctuary. 

"Hello Laura," Sally would say.

Nearly every time, this verse would come to my mind: "Their tongue is a deadly arrow; It speaks with deceit. With his mouth each speaks cordially to his neighbor, but in his heart he sets a trap for them."  (Jeremiah 9:8)

Whether this was true or not, I felt like every move I made was being watched by her, and that she was looking for something to say.  I was cordial, but never warm or friendly to her.   

On that first day back, I also noticed Bob standing in the back of the church. Bob had been one of the men involved in Kaylee's prayer service and was also the one who had prayed with me a few days afterward.  I had never forgotten his prayer for our family and something told me on this first day back that Bob had too much wisdom and life experience to allow himself to be pulled into any gossip or secret talk about me.  Because of everything that had happened, I had not spoken with him since our prayer, but I desperately wanted him to know that Kaylee had been healed.  Before I left the church that day, I approached Kevin (one of the few I knew had not turned against me) and asked him if he would ask Bob to give me a call.  

Bob called me later that evening, and the first thing he said to me was, "What are you mad at me about?"  

"Oh no!" I quickly assured him.  "I'm not mad at all!"  

Apparently he had picked up on my hesitation to approach him throughout this time.

"There was a lot of controversy following our prayer service, and I haven't been able to talk with people about what happened." I explained.  "That was why we left the church. I just wanted to make sure you knew that Kaylee was healed that night." I went on. "I wanted you to know how grateful I am to you for all that you did."

"Oh, I know she was healed!" he assured me. "I knew it that night."

After this, I explained a little to him about what had happened following that night.  He was very careful with his words, but let me know that he was aware of the controversy that had surrounding our healing and that he was not a part of it.  

It was a great relief to me to know that there were still some at the church who knew the truth about that night. Also, because he had felt that I might be upset with him about something, I began to realize that there might be others who felt the same way. We had left the church without explanation, and I had avoided many of the people involved with Kaylee's healing because I did not want to be tempted to speak against the pastor.  I decided that I would make every effort to be warm and friendly with everyone. I didn't know for certain who all had turned against me, so I tried to act as though nothing had happened at all.

Although I was determined to have this mindset, the tension within the church still remained evident. It was in little things that I picked up on. For example, one of the men who had been involved in Kaylee's prayer service was handing out sheets one Sunday, and as he did, I noticed he would smile and speak to everyone.  Kaylee and I were sitting on the end of the last row, and as he approached us, I braced myself for how he would receive us. I was taken aback when he reached our row, but then handed Kaylee the sheet to his side without looking at her or acknowledging her at all. It was one thing for people to treat me this way, but another for me to see Kaylee being shunned.  Things such as this continued to happen, and Kaylee also noticed that most of the people who had prayed for her that night no longer acknowledged her at all. This was really shocking to me. But again, it was only a small group within the church.  

One Sunday, after the sermon, the congregation was asked to come forward (I can't remember if it was for communion or prayer or what specifically).  At the end of each section, a couple was standing to minister to us, and as I moved forward, I realized that it was Jackie and her husband standing at the front of our section.  I felt tense at first and wondered if there was any way I could slip out or head in another direction without it being obvious. The only problem was, my children were in front of me and behind me as we were lined up and headed toward them. There was really nothing I could do to avoid them, so I began to pray and ask God to help me. As I did, something amazing took place inside of me. Suddenly all I could think of was Kaylee's prayer service and the love they had shown me on that night.  They had both played such valuable roles in Kaylee's healing, and suddenly I was overcome with gratitude.  Before my eyes, on that Sunday morning, they both transformed back into the two individuals who had once shown us so much love. By the time I reached them, I was so overcome with love for them both, that I hugged them and began to sob.

"Thank you so much for what you did for my family!"  I said as the tears continued to flow. I truly meant every word from the bottom of my heart, and only God could have made that happen.

It was in these moments of incredible grace that I truly felt hope.  I knew that the love each one of these people had shown our family far outweighed the sin that had overcome us all afterward. It was this very thing - the power of love- that Satan hated about that night and about our testimony. I could not let him have the victory in this! If love had the power to overcome a vicious disease, it surely had the power to fix this mess that Satan had created. God loved each one of these people, and I had to keep my focus on what they did right, not on what happened afterwards. I was no better than any of them.  As I realized this, forgiveness began to flood my heart.