"If you do well,
won't you be accepted?
But if you don't do well,
sin is lying outside your door
ready to attack.
It wants to control you,
but you must master it."
(Genesis 4:7)
For more than nine years, we battled for my daughter's healing from incurable, debilitating disease. After finally winning this battle, I found myself in an entirely new battle altogether - a battle for our testimony! Satan was not happy about the battle he had lost over Kaylee's life, and he did not want the word getting out about the power of united prayer and love that had overcome him on that night. This is where I am in our story. Unfortunately, just as Kaylee's own immune system was targeting and attacking her vital organs from within, we often do the same to one another within the church - through gossip and secret talk against one another. This is one of Satan's greatest tactics against us.
God was still working through our testimony, and I was trying hard to follow His leading. But Satan was still at work through the brokenness that he had created as well. It is vital that we work through our issues, and even if we don't agree on everything, that we love and support each and every member within The Body of Christ. Sin is always lying outside the door, desiring to control us. But we must master it.
"Make every effort to keep yourselves united in the Spirit, binding yourselves together with peace." (Ephesians 4:3)
Although God had begun a miraculous work inside of me, helping me to forgive my accusers and to keep my focus on the good that had been done for my family, things did not change within the church. The feeling did not seem to be reciprocated. This let me know for certain what I had already suspected. It was not really about forgiving one another, letting things go, or moving on (as many people tried to tell me). It was still about the things I had been accused of and the secret talk against me, which remained unresolved. I was not going to be accepted or received until my name was cleared of the charges against me. Yet what more could I do? At times it felt like a dagger in my heart when I was shunned, but the children and I eventually just learned to laugh about it. The on-going joke, when we left the house to head to church each Sunday, was my son saying, "Don't forget your black hat and broom!" ...And this was just what we had to accept.
Sunday after Sunday, we walked it out. I would put a smile on my face, slip into the back of the church (which was the only place I felt comfortable) and try to remain focused on the worship, the message, and on God. Yet sometimes, no matter how hard I tried not to think about it, a horrible feeling would come over me. This just wasn't right! How could Satan have pulled this off? Nobody should feel isolated and cut off in a church. How long could this go on?
Along with the horrible feeling that would overwhelm me at times, the messages coming out of Birmingham would also often stir up those feelings in me as well. The main pastor was continually unknowingly addressing the on-going problem: We are the Body of Christ; We are to love our neighbors as ourselves; Each and every soul is valuable to God; Each and every member within the Body has a special contribution, purpose, calling or assignment. As hard as I as tried to keep my focus, I couldn't help but sometimes think: Do they think these messages apply to everyone BUT me? Am I the one exception to all that the Bible teaches? As the sting of rejection continued, it was becoming harder and harder to sit through each sermon.
In these weak moments, the pastor's words, from years back, would often come to my mind: "Do not let it distract you."
I still believed that God had a calling on my life, and although I would have much preferred a less controversial calling and a little more support, that passion to reach out and offer hope to the sick and oppressed was not going away. I knew what it felt like to be in the position of not knowing what to do or how I should pray. But God had taught me so much throughout that nine year period. More than anything else, I wanted to share this hope with others.
It is never easy to be sure of the calling God has on your life, but it is even harder for a woman who does not have a husband or pastor to go to for advice, counsel and prayer. This had been a struggle of mine for a very long time. Finally, after hearing a sermon in which the main pastor reminded us of the importance of pursuing our calling, I decided to "come out of hiding" and asked for a meeting with the new pastor. At this point, I felt desperate for godly counsel.
I could tell from the start of this meeting that this new pastor had not been told anything negative about me, or if he had, he hid it well. This was quite a relief to me. After I told him about Kaylee's healing (which I had already mentioned in the email requesting this meeting) he was very kind and respectful and said, "Let me hear your heart."
One of my hesitations in moving forward and sharing our testimony (in addition to all of the controversy) had been that so many people would tell me that God had chosen to heal Kaylee, but that this did not mean I should encourage others to believe for their own healing. In other words, I should not give people false hope. I had really struggled with this viewpoint, mainly because I knew that the choice I had made to believe for her healing, along with the choice to continue to pray even when I did not see results, had been imperative. I also knew there had been an intense spiritual battle surrounding Kaylee's healing. From my experiences, I now understood that it is not always about God's choice, but also about persistent prayers, faith, endurance, unity of the Body of Christ (our army), fasting and our viewpoint from the start concerning disease and healing.
"And because of their unbelief, he couldn't do any miracles among them except to place his hands on a few sick people and heal them." (Mark 6:5)
Satan had tried to stop my prayers for Kaylee's healing from the start, and all the way down to the final hour, with the misconception that we should accept disease because God can be glorified through it. I knew that there were many others out there struggling with this very same viewpoint. This viewpoint had become an obstacle, and had I accepted it, Kaylee would not be healed today.
I had lived it, and I wanted to encourage others to fight! But who is going to fight with endurance after something they do not even believe in the first place? God had shown me that disease is darkness, not something meant to glorify Him. If we surrender to the enemy from the start by accepting disease as God's plan for our life, what hope do we have? How will we ever receive a miracle? I tried to explain this to the pastor.
"I have a testimony to share," I told him. "But I don't want to share it if I can't offer hope to those who are sick. I don't want anyone to believe that God did something for my child that is not for them too. If I believed that, I wouldn't even want to share our testimony at all. People are suffering out there. I have seen it. I watched my own child suffer for years. I know what it's like to feel hopeless."
My eyes began to tear up as that overwhelming feeling came back on me again.
"I want people to know that God loves them. He hates what they're going through! They are never without hope!"
The pastor listened to every word, and seemed to hear what I was I saying.
"I like that," he said after he let me finish. "Those are words of life that you're wanting to offer others. That's good."
It was such a relief to be allowed to share my heart and the passion God had given me for the sick. I knew there was a reason I was back at this church, even with the on-going controversy, and this was it. God had given me that sermon on healing through this church, and that sermon summed up my entire message. Just because we don't understand, and just because everyone we pray for is not healed, this doesn't mean we should stop asking or pursuing what the Bible teaches us about a TWO-fold provision. Jesus already paid the price to free us from sin AND disease.
My meeting with the pastor went well for the most part, but as we continued to talk, he seemed more concerned about the state of my marriage than on the calling I felt on my life. When I asked him if he would pray about all of this, he told me instead that he would be praying for my husband and my marriage. It wasn't exactly what I had hoped for, but even so, I was happy to accept any prayers from him at this point. More than anything else, I was happy that he had received me with love and treated me with dignity.
"If your marriage can be restored, now that would be a true miracle!" he told me as I was leaving.
After this meeting, I felt more hopeful about things and about being able to stay at this church. I hoped that if I continued to walk it out, God would take care of everything else in time.
It wasn't too long after this that I ran into Beverly at T.J. Max. I was there with Kaylee, but Kaylee was across the store when I saw Beverly from the back. I had not spoken with her since our meeting with Pastor Stan (other than the brief phone call afterwards). My first thought was that I wanted to go the other way and avoid her, but then I remembered what God had done for me with Jackie and her husband. There was still an ache in my heart because I strongly suspected she had been behind a lot of what was being said about me. But I decided that if I could just go through the motions of being friendly with her, perhaps God would take over from there. So instead of going the other direction, I went out of my way to speak to her.
In the beginning, I could feel the tension (mainly within me), but as we continued to talk, I began to relax. I hadn't had time to plan out what I was going to say, but during our very brief conversation, I found myself telling her how well Kaylee was doing. We had recently received blood work at the doctor that had come back completely normal.
"She's here in the store somewhere. I really wish you could see her!" I told her.
(It had been just over 3 years since her prayer service and healing.)
I talked to her as if there had been no controversy at all, as I explained how we had continued to stand firm in her healing, even when symptoms would try to return. I really wasn't sure what her position was on Kaylee's healing, but I wasn't even thinking about that. Once again, all I could think about was that she had been a part of bringing this healing about.
After we finished talking, I set out to find Kaylee. I wanted Beverly to see it for herself. It was very much the same motivation I had when sending the picture of Kaylee to the main pastor. I felt that Kaylee had somehow been lost in all of this. Although Kaylee was not crazy about the idea, after all the controversy, I felt compelled to show Beverly the evidence of what God had done through their prayers! The only way to combat the lies of the enemy was with the truth. Kaylee was, in fact, the undeniable evidence of what God had done on that night.
Kaylee and Beverly had never formally met, so I introduced them to one another as I enthusiastically announced that Kaylee had gained more than 20lbs since the night they had prayed for her.
Beverly looked toward Kaylee with a smile and told her, "I am glad that you're feeling better."
Feeling better? I thought.
Satan had surely done a work in downplaying the miracle that God had performed in Kaylee's life. Yet I realized that was the best she could give us. She had not seen how bad off Kaylee was in the years before her healing. She likely did not understand the seriousness of the disease we had battled for so long. After so much controversy, it was possible she didn't believe a healing had taken place at all.
But suddenly, that didn't seem so important. A miracle had taken place, and she had been a part of it.
As we were walking off, I turned back around and said, "And thank you for the part you played in it."
It wasn't exactly the same freeing and overflowing feeling of gratitude and forgiveness I had felt toward Jackie and her husband, but I hoped it was a step in the right direction.
Unfortunately, as bad as things had been when I left the church, I truly had no idea the extent of the damage that had been done. Looking back on these moments now, I think perhaps God was giving us all a last opportunity to move in the direction of peace. As long as things remained in this broken state, Satan still had room to work against us. As I continued to move forward in the plan I felt God had on my life, I was about to find out how bad things really were.
Along with the horrible feeling that would overwhelm me at times, the messages coming out of Birmingham would also often stir up those feelings in me as well. The main pastor was continually unknowingly addressing the on-going problem: We are the Body of Christ; We are to love our neighbors as ourselves; Each and every soul is valuable to God; Each and every member within the Body has a special contribution, purpose, calling or assignment. As hard as I as tried to keep my focus, I couldn't help but sometimes think: Do they think these messages apply to everyone BUT me? Am I the one exception to all that the Bible teaches? As the sting of rejection continued, it was becoming harder and harder to sit through each sermon.
In these weak moments, the pastor's words, from years back, would often come to my mind: "Do not let it distract you."
I still believed that God had a calling on my life, and although I would have much preferred a less controversial calling and a little more support, that passion to reach out and offer hope to the sick and oppressed was not going away. I knew what it felt like to be in the position of not knowing what to do or how I should pray. But God had taught me so much throughout that nine year period. More than anything else, I wanted to share this hope with others.
It is never easy to be sure of the calling God has on your life, but it is even harder for a woman who does not have a husband or pastor to go to for advice, counsel and prayer. This had been a struggle of mine for a very long time. Finally, after hearing a sermon in which the main pastor reminded us of the importance of pursuing our calling, I decided to "come out of hiding" and asked for a meeting with the new pastor. At this point, I felt desperate for godly counsel.
I could tell from the start of this meeting that this new pastor had not been told anything negative about me, or if he had, he hid it well. This was quite a relief to me. After I told him about Kaylee's healing (which I had already mentioned in the email requesting this meeting) he was very kind and respectful and said, "Let me hear your heart."
One of my hesitations in moving forward and sharing our testimony (in addition to all of the controversy) had been that so many people would tell me that God had chosen to heal Kaylee, but that this did not mean I should encourage others to believe for their own healing. In other words, I should not give people false hope. I had really struggled with this viewpoint, mainly because I knew that the choice I had made to believe for her healing, along with the choice to continue to pray even when I did not see results, had been imperative. I also knew there had been an intense spiritual battle surrounding Kaylee's healing. From my experiences, I now understood that it is not always about God's choice, but also about persistent prayers, faith, endurance, unity of the Body of Christ (our army), fasting and our viewpoint from the start concerning disease and healing.
"And because of their unbelief, he couldn't do any miracles among them except to place his hands on a few sick people and heal them." (Mark 6:5)
Satan had tried to stop my prayers for Kaylee's healing from the start, and all the way down to the final hour, with the misconception that we should accept disease because God can be glorified through it. I knew that there were many others out there struggling with this very same viewpoint. This viewpoint had become an obstacle, and had I accepted it, Kaylee would not be healed today.
I had lived it, and I wanted to encourage others to fight! But who is going to fight with endurance after something they do not even believe in the first place? God had shown me that disease is darkness, not something meant to glorify Him. If we surrender to the enemy from the start by accepting disease as God's plan for our life, what hope do we have? How will we ever receive a miracle? I tried to explain this to the pastor.
"I have a testimony to share," I told him. "But I don't want to share it if I can't offer hope to those who are sick. I don't want anyone to believe that God did something for my child that is not for them too. If I believed that, I wouldn't even want to share our testimony at all. People are suffering out there. I have seen it. I watched my own child suffer for years. I know what it's like to feel hopeless."
My eyes began to tear up as that overwhelming feeling came back on me again.
"I want people to know that God loves them. He hates what they're going through! They are never without hope!"
The pastor listened to every word, and seemed to hear what I was I saying.
"I like that," he said after he let me finish. "Those are words of life that you're wanting to offer others. That's good."
It was such a relief to be allowed to share my heart and the passion God had given me for the sick. I knew there was a reason I was back at this church, even with the on-going controversy, and this was it. God had given me that sermon on healing through this church, and that sermon summed up my entire message. Just because we don't understand, and just because everyone we pray for is not healed, this doesn't mean we should stop asking or pursuing what the Bible teaches us about a TWO-fold provision. Jesus already paid the price to free us from sin AND disease.
My meeting with the pastor went well for the most part, but as we continued to talk, he seemed more concerned about the state of my marriage than on the calling I felt on my life. When I asked him if he would pray about all of this, he told me instead that he would be praying for my husband and my marriage. It wasn't exactly what I had hoped for, but even so, I was happy to accept any prayers from him at this point. More than anything else, I was happy that he had received me with love and treated me with dignity.
"If your marriage can be restored, now that would be a true miracle!" he told me as I was leaving.
After this meeting, I felt more hopeful about things and about being able to stay at this church. I hoped that if I continued to walk it out, God would take care of everything else in time.
It wasn't too long after this that I ran into Beverly at T.J. Max. I was there with Kaylee, but Kaylee was across the store when I saw Beverly from the back. I had not spoken with her since our meeting with Pastor Stan (other than the brief phone call afterwards). My first thought was that I wanted to go the other way and avoid her, but then I remembered what God had done for me with Jackie and her husband. There was still an ache in my heart because I strongly suspected she had been behind a lot of what was being said about me. But I decided that if I could just go through the motions of being friendly with her, perhaps God would take over from there. So instead of going the other direction, I went out of my way to speak to her.
In the beginning, I could feel the tension (mainly within me), but as we continued to talk, I began to relax. I hadn't had time to plan out what I was going to say, but during our very brief conversation, I found myself telling her how well Kaylee was doing. We had recently received blood work at the doctor that had come back completely normal.
"She's here in the store somewhere. I really wish you could see her!" I told her.
(It had been just over 3 years since her prayer service and healing.)
I talked to her as if there had been no controversy at all, as I explained how we had continued to stand firm in her healing, even when symptoms would try to return. I really wasn't sure what her position was on Kaylee's healing, but I wasn't even thinking about that. Once again, all I could think about was that she had been a part of bringing this healing about.
After we finished talking, I set out to find Kaylee. I wanted Beverly to see it for herself. It was very much the same motivation I had when sending the picture of Kaylee to the main pastor. I felt that Kaylee had somehow been lost in all of this. Although Kaylee was not crazy about the idea, after all the controversy, I felt compelled to show Beverly the evidence of what God had done through their prayers! The only way to combat the lies of the enemy was with the truth. Kaylee was, in fact, the undeniable evidence of what God had done on that night.
Kaylee and Beverly had never formally met, so I introduced them to one another as I enthusiastically announced that Kaylee had gained more than 20lbs since the night they had prayed for her.
Beverly looked toward Kaylee with a smile and told her, "I am glad that you're feeling better."
Feeling better? I thought.
Satan had surely done a work in downplaying the miracle that God had performed in Kaylee's life. Yet I realized that was the best she could give us. She had not seen how bad off Kaylee was in the years before her healing. She likely did not understand the seriousness of the disease we had battled for so long. After so much controversy, it was possible she didn't believe a healing had taken place at all.
But suddenly, that didn't seem so important. A miracle had taken place, and she had been a part of it.
As we were walking off, I turned back around and said, "And thank you for the part you played in it."
It wasn't exactly the same freeing and overflowing feeling of gratitude and forgiveness I had felt toward Jackie and her husband, but I hoped it was a step in the right direction.
Unfortunately, as bad as things had been when I left the church, I truly had no idea the extent of the damage that had been done. Looking back on these moments now, I think perhaps God was giving us all a last opportunity to move in the direction of peace. As long as things remained in this broken state, Satan still had room to work against us. As I continued to move forward in the plan I felt God had on my life, I was about to find out how bad things really were.
No comments:
Post a Comment