"Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them."
Ephesians 5:11
After finding out about the seriousness of my husband's secret life, I knew that something had to be done. I knew that God had led us to find this, and that He had entrusted us with it. I thought about approaching my husband to see if he would "come clean" on his own; but I truly believed things were now so out of control that, even if he did agree to stop, it would only be a temporary fix. I felt it would just be a matter of time before he was pulled into something else.
I felt that there was nothing more I could say to him. I didn't even know or recognize the person he had become. I had tried to explain to him, on numerous occasions, that Satan would keep putting the "bait" out there as long as he kept going after it and that it was a trap every time. But now he had crossed over from foolishness and irresponsibility to direct and deliberate sin against God and others. I knew that he was far beyond my reach.
I felt that there was nothing more I could say to him. I didn't even know or recognize the person he had become. I had tried to explain to him, on numerous occasions, that Satan would keep putting the "bait" out there as long as he kept going after it and that it was a trap every time. But now he had crossed over from foolishness and irresponsibility to direct and deliberate sin against God and others. I knew that he was far beyond my reach.
The night that we discovered all of this was one of the longest, most excruciating nights of my life! As I laid there in the darkness, the reality of it all began to sink in. Not only would my husband most likely lose his job because of this, he would probably not be able to get another job. Because of what he had done and because of his credit, I felt that he had now completely destroyed his career.
Not only that, I believed that this would bring all of my plans to go back to nursing school to a halt as well. The nursing program I had been accepted into was intense, like having a full time job and being in school at the same time. It would only take me one year to complete the program, but it was going to be a challenging year on every level. I wouldn't be able to continue to work while being in this program. I had been relying completely on my husband's income to get us through this time. I had been hanging on to this tiny piece of hope that I had worked so hard for, and now this too was crumbling before my eyes.
I honestly couldn't see any way for us to come back from this now. The thought of being without our main income (and health insurance) again and indefinitely was just unbearable to me. This would make the seventh job loss in five and a half years (I did not mention a couple of these in my previous blogs). Even if I was to find a job in my field, and go back to work full time, I would struggle just to cover the child-care expenses. I had not made a career choice expecting to have to provide for a family by myself.
I won't say that it didn't cross my mind (for a brief moment) to cover all of this up, and try to figure out a way that I could make it right, for the fear of what it all meant. Yet, I will say this: My fear of losing my relationship with God and cutting myself off from Him was much greater than my fear of losing everything in this world. As impossible as it all was, there was just no way I was going to cut myself off from my source. I had already seen where this had taken my husband!
Erica and I began to work fast on a plan of how to handle this. I first made a phone call to my daughter's youth pastor at AUMC to see if he would be willing to help me. I was needing a strong support team to be there to minister to and pray with my husband once we confronted him directly (We were still concerned about suicide).
After we set things up with the pastors at AUMC (who were wonderful and extremely supportive to me), Erica and I loaded the children up in the car and headed to Birmingham to meet with my husband's family. We dropped the children off at my brother's and then went to my husband's parent's house for a meeting with all of his brothers and their wives. We brought the suicide letters with us, hoping that these letters might help them to better understand what I had been dealing with for so long.
Erica really "carried" this meeting on her own, as I remained somewhat in a state of shock throughout all of this. I was simply going through the motions of what I felt God was needing me to do.
After meeting, everyone seemed to agree that we needed to confront my husband immediately and give him a chance to turn this in himself. Although everyone was shocked and extremely upset over this, I don't think they were grasping the reality of what this was going to do to the children and me. All of the focus was on my husband's well-being. Although I understood this to an extent (after all this was his family), I still felt that I needed for someone to see that we were going to be sinking with this ship also!
As they were discussing the details of how and when this confrontation would take place, I interrupted and asked for more time! I was expecting three pay-checks in the month of May (it was the beginning of May at this time.) Because we were paid every other week, this meant that for two months out of the year we would receive three paychecks instead of two. I had already been anxiously awaiting on these paychecks! I felt a desperate need to slow things down as the reality of what we were about to do hit me.
Erica (the voice of wisdom for the evening) then reminded me of the significance of God's timing. "If God led us to find all of this out now, I don't think we can wait." she said. "I think it is imperative that we move now." As much as I hated it, I knew she was right. I felt like I was going to throw-up at that point. This meant I would most likely not receive even one more paycheck.
We got in the car to head back to Auburn with the children, and nobody was saying a word. Erica reached over to turn on her praise music, and I asked her if she would please turn it off. I don't know if I said this aloud or if it was just in my head, but I remember at least thinking: "I don't want to hear anything about praising God right now." I knew what I had to do, but I was not happy about it! I felt that I had now reached the end, and I suppose that I also felt that God had let me down.
As we sat there in the silence, the thoughts going through my mind were something like this: I thought you said I had nothing to be afraid of? Why would you just leave me here? How can I work 2 or 3 jobs and take care of the needs of all of these children? How am I suppose to continue to take care of Kaylee? What is going to happen to her in all of this? Do you want my family completely destroyed? Do you not see THIS is too much? I am tired! I am weary! I can't do this anymore! .....
At some point during that long drive, Erica reached over and turned the praise music back on. By now, I had "said" all that I needed to say to God, and He was ready to respond to me. I will never forget the emotions that swept through me and the hope that followed as these words began to play:
After we set things up with the pastors at AUMC (who were wonderful and extremely supportive to me), Erica and I loaded the children up in the car and headed to Birmingham to meet with my husband's family. We dropped the children off at my brother's and then went to my husband's parent's house for a meeting with all of his brothers and their wives. We brought the suicide letters with us, hoping that these letters might help them to better understand what I had been dealing with for so long.
Erica really "carried" this meeting on her own, as I remained somewhat in a state of shock throughout all of this. I was simply going through the motions of what I felt God was needing me to do.
After meeting, everyone seemed to agree that we needed to confront my husband immediately and give him a chance to turn this in himself. Although everyone was shocked and extremely upset over this, I don't think they were grasping the reality of what this was going to do to the children and me. All of the focus was on my husband's well-being. Although I understood this to an extent (after all this was his family), I still felt that I needed for someone to see that we were going to be sinking with this ship also!
As they were discussing the details of how and when this confrontation would take place, I interrupted and asked for more time! I was expecting three pay-checks in the month of May (it was the beginning of May at this time.) Because we were paid every other week, this meant that for two months out of the year we would receive three paychecks instead of two. I had already been anxiously awaiting on these paychecks! I felt a desperate need to slow things down as the reality of what we were about to do hit me.
Erica (the voice of wisdom for the evening) then reminded me of the significance of God's timing. "If God led us to find all of this out now, I don't think we can wait." she said. "I think it is imperative that we move now." As much as I hated it, I knew she was right. I felt like I was going to throw-up at that point. This meant I would most likely not receive even one more paycheck.
We got in the car to head back to Auburn with the children, and nobody was saying a word. Erica reached over to turn on her praise music, and I asked her if she would please turn it off. I don't know if I said this aloud or if it was just in my head, but I remember at least thinking: "I don't want to hear anything about praising God right now." I knew what I had to do, but I was not happy about it! I felt that I had now reached the end, and I suppose that I also felt that God had let me down.
As we sat there in the silence, the thoughts going through my mind were something like this: I thought you said I had nothing to be afraid of? Why would you just leave me here? How can I work 2 or 3 jobs and take care of the needs of all of these children? How am I suppose to continue to take care of Kaylee? What is going to happen to her in all of this? Do you want my family completely destroyed? Do you not see THIS is too much? I am tired! I am weary! I can't do this anymore! .....
At some point during that long drive, Erica reached over and turned the praise music back on. By now, I had "said" all that I needed to say to God, and He was ready to respond to me. I will never forget the emotions that swept through me and the hope that followed as these words began to play:
(Click on lyrics to hear the song)
Like a child whose afraid of the dark
But when I call on Jesus,
All things are possible
I can mount on wings like eagles' and soar
When I call on Jesus,
Mountains are gonna fall
Cause He'll move Heaven and Earth
To come rescue me when I call
Weary brother, broken daughter,
Widowed, widowed lover you're not alone
If you're tired and scared
of the madness around you
If you can't find the strength to carry on
When you call on Jesus
ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE
You can mount on wings like eagles and soar
When you call on Jesus
Mountains are gonna fall
Cause He'll move Heaven and Earth
To come rescue you when you--
Call Him in the morning, in the afternoon time
Late in the evening' He'll be there
When your heart is broken,
And you feel discouraged,
You can just remember that He said
He'll be there!
To this day, I still cannot listen to this song without crying. It is a forever reminder to me, not only of the hope that God gave me on this night, but of His great love and compassion for me in my weakness.
But when I call on Jesus,
All things are possible
I can mount on wings like eagles' and soar
When I call on Jesus,
Mountains are gonna fall
Cause He'll move Heaven and Earth
To come rescue me when I call
Weary brother, broken daughter,
Widowed, widowed lover you're not alone
If you're tired and scared
of the madness around you
If you can't find the strength to carry on
When you call on Jesus
ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE
You can mount on wings like eagles and soar
When you call on Jesus
Mountains are gonna fall
Cause He'll move Heaven and Earth
To come rescue you when you--
Call Him in the morning, in the afternoon time
Late in the evening' He'll be there
When your heart is broken,
And you feel discouraged,
You can just remember that He said
He'll be there!
To this day, I still cannot listen to this song without crying. It is a forever reminder to me, not only of the hope that God gave me on this night, but of His great love and compassion for me in my weakness.
I truly was like a child afraid of the dark, and at this point in the song, I finally let go and the tears started to flow. It was the first time I had cried since finding all of this out. Up until that moment, my sorrow had been so great that I couldn't even let myself feel the emotions of it all. It was easier to be angry than it was to feel the overwhelming sorrow and disappointment. Now suddenly, I felt hope. God had let me know that He understood what I was feeling, that I was not alone, that He would not disappoint me or let me down, and that anything was possible with Him!
After the song was over, I wanted to hear it play again so badly, but I couldn't admit that to Erica after how I had acted. Then from the back of the van, I heard the sweetest voice (Kaylee's) ask if we could please listen to the song again. ...Kaylee told us later that she had always wanted to see a shooting star, and that the minute that song started to play, she looked out the window and saw a star shoot across the sky! God wasn't going to let my baby girl down either!
The plan was for my husband's parents to drive to Auburn and confront him. I felt that a man needed to be involved in this, and I felt it would be good for his parents to be there, as well. After this, they would take him to the church to meet with the pastors. We hoped that he would then take the opportunity to do what he needed to do.
I had already taken the children and temporarily moved out (to Erica's). But before our plan took place, I have to confess, I didn't stick to the plan ...not exactly. I dropped by the house to get something, and found my husband laying in the floor in front of the television. I looked at him and said, "I know what you've been doing!" .....He just looked at me with a blank, distant stare and did not say a word. I saw something in his eyes that night that I had not noticed before. I just had to turn around and leave.
I had already taken the children and temporarily moved out (to Erica's). But before our plan took place, I have to confess, I didn't stick to the plan ...not exactly. I dropped by the house to get something, and found my husband laying in the floor in front of the television. I looked at him and said, "I know what you've been doing!" .....He just looked at me with a blank, distant stare and did not say a word. I saw something in his eyes that night that I had not noticed before. I just had to turn around and leave.
I sat in the driveway for a little while after this, listening to "The Voice of Truth" by Casting Crowns. I was crying from the deepest part of me. I was praising God for the glory that would somehow come from this ....AND.... I boldly declared to the enemy at that moment, "You will NOT have your way with my family!"
(Click on song title to hear the song)
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