Our Story, Part Forty-Two (Dejected)

"At my first defense, 
no one came to my support,
but everyone deserted me.
May it not be held against them."

(II Timothy 4:16)

As I continue to share our testimony, I want to address a couple of things.  First of all, I want to point out that in the months that followed Kaylee's healing, I was not coming from a place of strength in my thoughts and responses. So please keep this in mind as I am telling the story. I am sharing it exactly as it happened (to the best of my recollection) and my responses are not necessarily how I wish they had been or what was best. I wish I had been stronger and more confident, and I often wonder if I could have handled things better or done things differently which might have changed the outcome.  But regardless, this was where I was at the time. In many ways, I feel like I am now an advocate for the weaker members of the Body of Christ. I know what it feels like to be in this vulnerable, defensive place.  

Again, my goal is not to be critical of any one individual, church, or denomination, but rather to point out a condition that weakens the overall Body.  We are all members of ONE Body, and when we speak against one another (whether openly or in secret), we are tearing down our own Body. We may not all agree on every issue, but we need to honor and respect each and every member.  There are ways to address our differences that are edifying and there are ways that are destructive. 

As Jesus told us, "Every kingdom divided against itself will be ruined; and every city or household divided against itself will not stand." (Mathew 12:25)  

Our story is an extreme example of what happens when we dishonor another member.  Although I realize there may be some who disagree with my decision to share this part of our story, I feel strongly that God has called me to do so.  By the end, you will see the damage that was done to me as I continued to walk out the calling I felt that God had on my life. I too have been guilty of speaking against others or not standing up when things were being said, but God has given me an understanding of how serious the "auto-immune condition" is and how Satan uses it against the church. Although it can be uncomfortable to point out the negative, sometimes it is necessary in order to bring healing.

As I was sitting in the doctor's office with my son last week, I had a funny thought that I wanted to share.  What if his doctor was to come into the room talking about his Diabetes and I was to interrupt him and say, "I don't want to talk about the negative things going on in his body. There are many positives, and I would rather focus on those things today. Why don't we talk about the organs that are healthy and functioning properly, rather than always focusing on the one organ that is malfunctioning?" Can you even imagine how the doctor would respond to this?  Whether we like it or not, it is necessary to address the things that are not working properly. While there are many positive things taking place within the Body of Christ, if one tiny cell begins to malfunction, it will eventually affect the entire system.  Things need to be addressed, and they need to be addressed as quickly as possible before they grow out of control.  

God tells us that, if possible, as far as it depends on us, we are to live at peace with everyone. (Romans 12:18)  Living in peace does not always mean to avoid conflict and confrontation, and if we have done something that causes turmoil in someone else's life, God wants us to go to that person and make it right.   

"Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift.  Settle matters quickly with your adversary who is taking you to court. Do it while you are still together on the way, or your adversary may hand you over to the judge, and the judge may hand you over to the officer, and you may be thrown into prison." (Mathew 5:23-25)

God gives us explicit instructions on how to fix things before they escalate and cause further damage. Not only does He want us to fix things, He wants them fixed quickly. When things are left broken or unresolved, Satan is left with room to further work against us.  

Now of course we have no control over how others choose to respond in a given situation.  After I had done everything that I knew to do to try and resolve things at this church, I felt that I had no choice but to leave.  I remember that the last service I attended (for a very long time) was on Valentines day of 2009 (nearly 6 months after our healing). The main pastor preached on the subject of love.  It was a great message, but as you can imagine, it was hard for me to sit through this after the way I had been treated in this church.  He closed by saying that if there was one thing he hoped people would say about this church, it would be that they loved people.  I had a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach as he was talking.  ...If only he knew.

Eventually, I did have a brief conversation with the main pastor.  After several months had gone by without my hearing anything from him about our healing, I finally sent him a personal letter.  In this letter, I enclosed a picture of Kaylee.  I wanted him to see that she was a real person with a real testimony!  I closed the letter by saying: I need for you to understand that your response to our healing will always be a part of Kaylee's testimony.  Right now when people ask me how you responded, I have to tell them that you didn't respond.  

A very long time passed, but I finally received a phone call from him.  When I answered the phone, I was so shocked when he told me who it was, it might as well have been the president of the United States on the other end of that phone.  It was extremely rare to have this opportunity.

I began by telling him that I knew there had been a lot of controversy surrounding our healing, but that I did not want to focus on that.  I told him that I mainly wanted him to know how God had used him to lead me every step of the way, all the way down to the final sermon on healing (the day before my birthday).  I also wanted him to know how God had used his church and the time of prayer and fasting in January and August. By the sound of his voice and his response to me, you would have never known there was any controversy at all.  In fact, he sounded thrilled to hear about it and even told me that I had just made his day.  He closed in prayer, thanking God for Kaylee's life and for what God had done for our family.  

Again, it was bizarre to receive this response (although very late) from the main pastor, while I was continuing to be so harshly accused by others within the church.  I didn't really know what to think. When I had mentioned the controversy surrounding our healing, he hadn't questioned me or acted surprised, so I felt sure that he knew about it. I could only hope that he was being upfront and completely honest with me about how he felt.

Sometimes I think back and wonder if I should have questioned him further.  Because of things that happened since, I often wish that I would have asked him if he felt I had done anything wrong. But at the time I was trying hard not to be negative in any way. I did not want him to think that I was the person I was being accused of in secret OR a lady "sent by the devil to try to cause division." I wanted him to know, more than anything else, that I was grateful! ...And I was.

I also eventually had a meeting with Jackie and her husband.  I asked for this meeting because I truly believed that they were good people who had been deceived about me.  (I still believe they are good people.) This meeting did not go well, however. From the very start, I felt I was being harshly judged and scrutinized.  Jackie's husband looked at me at one point and said, "My spirit is sensing all kinds of things right now" (things about me).  "I sense fear," and then he looked me dead in the eye and added, "and pride!"  From that point on, it was hard for me to think about anything else. I was truly bewildered.  How was I being prideful? I was doing everything in my power to remain gentle and humble, when I really wanted to tell them how wrong they had been to continually accuse me of manipulating.  But I never pointed out any of the things I felt they had done wrong. I only continually defended myself for their accusations against me. I wanted my name cleared of any wrongdoing surrounding our testimony and healing. I did not want Jackie to believe I had manipulated her in any way!

At one point during this meeting Jackie asked me if I was a member of the church when I had asked for prayer for Kaylee (she obviously already knew the answer) and if I had been tithing to the church at that time. I honestly couldn't believe she was asking me this.  Why did this matter? Again, I defended myself, explaining why I had never joined the church.  But I also let her know that I had in fact been tithing to the church during that time (although that shouldn't have mattered at all). What if I hadn't been a Christian at the time I had asked them to pray for Kaylee? What if I had been a new Christian who didn't understand about tithing? Or what if I had been tithing to the church where my membership was (which I had done for a while)? How could these questions even cross their mind as relevant to Kaylee's healing?  Could they not see that these were the kinds of questions a Pharisee would have asked? Jesus didn't care about any of those things when he healed people.  

At this point, I was ready to RUN back to my humble, Methodist church and never look back. Yet, there was still one huge problem that remained. Our testimony was now forever linked to this church.  Satan had managed to taint our testimony with lies and stir up dissension, beyond anything I would have thought possible, with those involved.  How was I going to share what God had done for us now that this church was rejecting it and rejecting us?  If anyone was to ask them about our healing or about me, I was afraid of what their response would be. This left me afraid to share our testimony openly. Needless to say, all of this left me feeling very dejected.  

Now if I had been on the outside looking in or if I was reading this story in the Bible, it would have been easy to be assured of the final outcome. Surely God would not let Satan have the victory concerning our testimony! Yet, when you are in the middle of it and walking it out, and when it continues on for YEARS, you start to question yourself.  You start to doubt. You sometimes wonder if God has forgotten about you. You also see your weak and poor responses in certain situations and wonder if you might have messed things up along the way. 

For the next couple of years, I stayed away from the church (for the most part), but I continued to participate in the time of fasting in January and the time of prayer in August.  Eventually Pastor Stan left the church for another position.  Once he was gone, I hoped that it might be possible for us to come back to the church. While that may sound crazy to some after the way I was treated, I was still drawn to the powerful messages coming out of Birmingham (I had continued to watch them online throughout this time). This church was very large, and I hoped that this small group of people who had turned against me were not representative of the entire church. I also continued to feel that God had a calling on my life in the area of physical healing, and because this church shared my viewpoint concerning disease and healing, I still believed this church had something that I needed.   



...I tried to put things behind me and make an effort one last time.