Our Story, Part Forty-one (The Deadly Power of The Tongue)

"But no human being can tame the tongue. 
It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. 
With it we bless the Lord and Father, 
and with it we curse men, 
who are made in the likeness of God."  

(James 3:8&9)

These blogs are becoming more and more difficult for me to write.  I don't like looking back on this time. I can't stand that our testimony takes this turn. I hate all of the lies, confusion and dissension that Satan was able to create in order to shut down our testimony.  Yet sometimes the only way we can expose the deeds of darkness (the things done in secret ) is to turn on the light. Once the light is on, all the ugliness and mess, that many would like to pretend isn't there, becomes visible. This is where I am in our story. It's a little like trying to clean out that closet that we have neglected for years. In the process, things will appear much uglier before getting better, but it is necessary in order to reach the greater goal.  So please bear with me as I continue to share this "mess." It will have a significant purpose in the end.  

I am not sure how I would have made it through the difficult years that followed Kaylee's healing had God not warned me, in so many different ways, that this "backfire" was coming.  I am grateful that I was given this foresight (even though I couldn't fully understand it at the time), so that I can look back in my moments of doubt and be assured that God has a greater purpose in it all. There is no doubt in my mind that He will have the final victory and that He will receive His due glory for our testimony!   

From the moment I started to believe for Kaylee's healing, it felt as though a spiritual battle was surrounding our lives. Although I had been terribly shaken through those years of hardship, God was faithful to sustain me and to rebuild my faith so that we could receive our miracle. Now that this part of the battle was behind me, I was facing a new battle altogether.  Now it seemed that Satan was using those years and the brokenness of our lives to discredit me and shut down our testimony. 

I feel that it is important to share that even as all of this dissension was taking place within the church, God was continuing to miraculously restore our lives. I cannot wait to share this later! Kaylee was getting better by the minute, and all of the beautiful prayers that had been prayed over our family on August 18th were continuing to be answered!      

Yet even though our lives were being restored in many ways, because of the brokenness, I was a member without honor in the church. Although I didn't even fully understand this at the time, Satan knew that he could use this against me. After all, he is a "pro" at causing division and dissension among God's people.  He has been doing this since the beginning of mankind.  Perhaps this is why God instructs us: 

"and the parts we think are less honorable we treat with special honor..." (I Corinthians 12:23) 

God knew there would be a tendency to dishonor and disregard the weaker members.  No matter how strong we may be in the beginning, when we are being "targeted" by our own body or immune system, it is depleting and debilitating. We were not meant to stand alone, but rather to function as a unit, a system, a Body.  We will never be the strong, fully-functioning Body God intended for us to be until we stop tearing down our own members and "parts."  

Although I no longer felt that I could trust Jackie, I still wanted a meeting to take place so that we could talk this out. I felt that if things were not addressed, they would continue to escalate.  Yet several more days went by and I still had not heard anything back from Jackie. I decided to send her another text message to ask if she had been able to set a time to meet. 

After sending this text message, I received this response: Perhaps Beverly needs to sit in on this meeting?

This text message raised numerous red flags for me. Why was she suddenly bringing Beverly's name up? This led me to believe that they were now talking about all of this with Beverly (Pastor Stan's relative who had sat in on my meeting with him.) I began to wonder how long this had been going on. If Beverly was involved, this meant that they likely knew about my meeting with Pastor Stan as well. There was a good chance that they had been told about his accusations against me. In fact, I now wondered if they had been talking with Beverly about me all along. Perhaps this would explain why Sally had been so confident when going to Erica with her own accusations against me?    

Now, of course, these were all assumptions on my part.  I am not saying whether my assumptions were correct at this time or not. I may never know. Yet, when things are continuing to be done in secret, you are left with little choice but to start looking for clues, signs, possible motives, etc. You become like a private investigator, looking around and suspicious of everything and everyone. This is never a good thing within a church! Yet what else was I to do? Nobody was being upfront with me! Naturally I no longer felt that I could trust anyone involved in the situation. I also suspected that this text message might be intended to intimidate me. I was not about to let them think that I was afraid of Beverly's presence at that meeting, regardless of her position in the church!    

I sent this text message back: That's fine. Whatever you think is best.

After I sent this text message, I did not receive a response back.  This led me to believe that I had been right about my original assumptions. Perhaps they had hoped that by throwing Beverly's name into it, I would back down? 


I waited a few more days, and when I still hadn't heard anything from Jackie, I sent her another text message asking again if a meeting time had been set up.  

This time, I received this response: No more Laura, NO MORE!

Although I probably shouldn't have been shocked by this, the "tone" of this text message (emphasized by ALL CAPS) still caught me completely off guard. Where was this sudden hostility coming from? What in the world was she talking about? No more WHAT?   ...And then it hit me! She thought I was manipulating her! I had forgotten about my new label.  She had clearly now been convinced, likely by Sally or Beverly, that I was trying to manipulate her concerning this meeting. 

Then came this text: You need to take this up with the one who has offended you and leave me out of it! 

I honestly couldn't believe that this had been turned back around on me again. How was it even possible?  I was the one who had been wronged here!  I was trying to ask for a meeting, hoping that we could be open, honest and upfront with one another for once. As I saw it, they were the ones being manipulative by not being honest and upfront with me. Jackie was still leading me to believe she had not said anything to Sally, but of course I knew this wasn't the case at all. With all the secrecy continuing on, how could any of this ever be resolved?  

Again, I tried to be honest: I just want a meeting so that this can be resolved. I wanted you to be there as a witness.  I don't understand what's going on. I am not manipulating you! 

YOU ARE MANIPULATING ME!  she immediately responded back.  

By now, I was on the verge of tears.  I couldn't believe that I was continuing to be treated with such disrespect.     

I sent one final text: Well that's your judgment, but it's not the truth.    

A few minutes went by and then I received this text message:  We love you Laura. Please know that we love you very much.   

It was all completely convoluted, and as crazy as it may sound, I think they truly believed that they were acting in love. I suppose they were treating me like you would treat a juvenile delinquent and showing me "tough love." In their minds, they were "rebuking and correcting" a sinful woman. Yet, there was nothing to accuse me of other than this twisted viewpoint that I was manipulating people for prayer and now for a meeting. No doubt, there were misunderstandings and false perceptions on their end (and possibly on mine as well) but how could these things ever be cleared up without open, honest communication and mutual respect? How do you defend yourself against these kinds of accusations? I was not living in any open, rebellious sin against God. There was nothing they could point fingers at in my life or accuse me of other than their judgment of my heart and motives. Yet it would seem that in their minds, I was as bad as someone who is practicing witchcraft (as Sally had indicated).  Only Satan could have made something as bizarre, crazy, and convoluted as this come out of our miraculous night. But somehow, he had done it.   

The following Sunday I received a text message from Jackie asking if I could meet at her house at 2 that afternoon.  Initially, I was glad, but as I began to ask questions, I realized what I was being set up for.  I had been the one to ask for this meeting, but they were now in complete control and were making sure that I knew this. Sally had managed to convince them of something, which had clearly let her off the hook and turned things back around on me (or possibly Erica). I didn't stand a chance. 

Our text messages went something like this:


Me:  Who is going to be at the meeting? 

Jackie: You, Erica, Sally and me, and possibly other witnesses. 

Me: Who are these other witnesses going to be?

Jackie: Do you want this resolved or not?

Me: Not if it's going to be done secretively and not if you can't be upfront with me about who will be there.  

Jackie continued to avoid my question and refused to tell me who would be at the meeting. By now, I was fed up with the on-going disrespect. I now saw them as a bunch of church "bullies" trying to intimidate me. There was no way I was going to walk into a room full of hungry lions waiting to devour me.  That may sound extreme on my part, but that was exactly how I felt in that moment. They were continually accusing me of manipulation, which is impossible to defend. If they refused to believe a word I said anyway, and if they were standing firm and confident in their own position (which it appeared that they were), it was of no use. I had no reason to believe that Sally was apologetic for what she had said about me, and it would turn out that I was right.  

Not long after this, Erica (who had not spoken with Sally) decided to send an email (which she also forwarded to me).  It was a humble email, in which she apologized for anything she might have said that could have possibly led to any misunderstanding. Erica had been open with Sally about my recent struggles and hardships, which had in turn been used against me. Naturally, she now felt bad for sharing anything about my personal life with Sally.

She then wrote: I no longer want to skirt around the real issue here. You have slandered Laura to me. You have said things to me about her that are judgments you have made based on limited knowledge.  

Although the email was bold and specific about what had been said, Erica let Sally know that she loved us all and that she wanted to move past this. She also told her that she regretted not standing up for me sooner.  

Sally then sent an email back to Erica (which she also forwarded to me). This email, which is still very upsetting to me when I look back on it, confirmed many of the things I had been told by Erica.  Sally admitted to giving the books "Boundaries" and "The Bait of Satan" to Erica to help give her understanding (about ME, and about our relationship). She went on to further explain her "concerns" about me, including her concern about my being present for the prayer for "Ashley."  
Sally did not apologize for the things that she said about me or retract anything.  She only let Erica know that these things should never have been repeated to me because I misunderstood her intentions. She wrote: This is what happens when words that are spoken between friends, in confidence, or even in a counseling setting, are repeated outside that setting...

Needless to say, it was very cruel and dishonoring for this email to be forwarded to me. 

I considered posting the entire email on this blog (just for clarity), but I don't want to pull everyone into this ugly mess. That is not my intent or motivation in sharing this part of our story. Although I still hope to be able to show this email to a pastor within this church one day (so that this doesn't happen to someone else), and I desire for my name to be cleared of all these charges against me, I still understand that my struggle is NOT against flesh and blood.  These are Satan's accusations against me, and my motivation for sharing this is for people to see the damage that is done when harsh judgments, gossip and secret talk are taking place within a church.     

I want to share a little of the ending of Sally's email so that you can see how things were left and how I was trapped with no way out:  

Jackie and I are both ready to put this behind us.  You indicated that you are.  I hope that Laura and Lee Ann (my mother) can, also.  No harm or malicious, spiteful activity was intended by ANYONE...so we each should be able to do as Jesus ask of us, FORGIVE...release it...and go on. I know I ask forgiveness for any misunderstanding I caused... and I extend forgiveness toward anything said about me.  There is no talking it out because it is a tangled web and simply becomes a conversation that is like a "dog chasing its tail" ...round and round with no resolve.  Forgiveness is the ONLY resolve and the only option the Bible gives us."   

So again, this is where I was left.  My only option was to forgive, while the accusations (Satan's accusations) against my character remained. I was simply to "forgive...release it... and go on."  IF there had been any way to truly put this behind me, I would have gladly done it!  But the ramifications remained; the damage to my reputation had already been done. I was continuing to live with the consequences. 
     
Because things were left unresolved, it continued to grow and spread within the church, even after I left. I suppose you could compare it to a weed being left in a beautiful flowerbed. Weeds must be dealt with quickly. They need to be pulled out and completely uprooted.  If not, they will get a deep hold, choking out the roots of the desired flowers, and robbing the soil of nutrients.  Or another analogy we could also use would be one that comes straight from the Bible.  A fire must be completely extinguished or it will continue to grow and spread...   

"The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole body, sets the whole course of ones life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell." (James 3:6) 

Because things were left unresolved, our story continues to get even worse from here...