"Do not let unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed."
Ephesians 4:29-30
Ephesians 4:29-30
The Bible tells us in Mathew 18:15-17: "If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that every matter might be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church.." Clearly God desires for us to make every effort to be reconciled to our brothers, even in the event that they have sinned against us. I noticed when I was reading through this passage, however, that there are no instructions on what to do if a church refuses to listen to you. After years of pleading for help and doing all that I know to do, I have been left with a very unsettling, tainted ending (at least for now) to what should have been a beautiful testimony. I am now reaching out to the larger church (Body of Christ) with our story. I hope that as I continue to share my family's experience, people will understand how far things can go and how destructive it can be when malicious talk, the pointing finger and gossip are taking place within our churches. Satan's desire is for us to self-destruct from within. (the auto-immune disease)
"If you keep on biting and devouring each other watch out or you will be destroyed by each other."
Galatians 5:1
After my experience with my friend and her daughter, it would be quite some time before I had the confidence to reach out to anyone in that way again. I had devoted a great deal of my time to fasting and praying for Lauren, and for it to end up that way was very discouraging to me. I was beginning to understand just how much the division and dissension surrounding our healing had paved the way for Satan to discredit me and our testimony altogether. I wonder how often beautiful testimonies are shut down by the schemes of the enemy within the church?
I knew that my friend loved me and that she truly believed I was deceived, yet it was the talk about demons and "false signs and wonders" that was just too much for me. It is one thing to disagree on the subject of healing within the Body, but quite another when people believe you are doing the enemy's work (even if it is unintentional). Had this been the only thing I was dealing with at the time, it would have been easier to handle, but unfortunately, I was also continuing to receive "backfire" from within the church where Kaylee's healing had taken place.
The secret talk that had begun against me, following Kaylee's healing, finally surfaced again through my small group (life-group) that I had signed up for in the month of January, 2009. This was the group Pastor Stan had "suggested" that I attend. The purpose of these groups was to "bring encouragement and healing to hurting people", yet this experience turned out to be anything but an encouragement. If I hadn't lived it myself, I wouldn't even believe it was possible for something of this magnitude to take place among God's children. I had never in my life experienced such a flagrant, full-blown (auto-immune)/personal attack!
Our group was led by two of the women who had played an active role in Kaylee's prayer service. As I mentioned in the previous blog, the leader (whom I will refer to as Jackie) had been the one who had pulled Kaylee's prayer service together on my birthday. Sally (a lady I also mentioned in a previous blog) was co-leading the group. Although she had already said some questionable things about me to Erica (among other things, she told Erica that the Holy Spirit checked her about hearing my testimony because she was vulnerable without her spiritual protection), I was not yet aware of any of this. Otherwise, I am not sure I would have walked into that situation. Erica had pulled back from Sally since that time, but I believe she was hoping that if Sally could get to know me better through this group, she might possibly change her mind about me.
The story I am about to share involves a suicide attempt, therefore I am going to be as vague as I can with the details.
Erica and I rode together to our first small group meeting. On our way, we were both feeling very heavy over a situation concerning a young teenager (a relative of Erica's; I will call her Ashley) As with many teenagers this day in time, we felt that Ashley was being heavily targeted by the enemy and was possibly in a great deal of danger.
"Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour." I Peter 5:8
As we drove up to Jackie's house that first night, I remember feeling both a sense of urgency and a sense of relief. Although it was hard to put this serious situation out of our minds, we felt that we were in the best place we could possibly be (surrounded by our sisters-in-Christ). Things had been especially hard on both of us, following Kaylee's healing, and we were both desperately needing some encouragement and support.
Erica didn't feel that we should share this particular prayer request with the entire group, so we decided we would wait until most of the women had left and then approach Jackie or Sally to see if we could arrange a time to pray with Ashley. We were hoping that we could get Jackie's daughter (the college student who had prayed the beautiful, powerful prayers for Kaylee the night of her healing) to pray with Ashley as well. Not only was her daughter a powerful prayer warrior, we also felt that she would be a great Christian example and role model for Ashley to meet.
Erica and I hung around after the first meeting (which we both thoroughly enjoyed) hoping we would get a chance to speak with either Jackie or Sally alone. While Jackie was tied up saying goodbye to her guests, Erica was able to pull Sally aside and ask if they would meet with us to pray for Ashley. After the two of them talked a few minutes, they came out to talk with Jackie. I don't remember the details of how it was brought up to Jackie, but I remember being very surprised that she was hesitant about praying for Ashley.
Knowing what I do now, things are a little more clear. If Jackie and Sally had been told that we had manipulated them to pray for Kaylee, perhaps they believed that we were trying to manipulate them for prayer again? As bizarre as that may sound, nothing was making any sense at this time. Although I knew that Pastor Stan and Beverly believed this to be true, I was not aware that anything had been said to Jackie or Sally. I decided that perhaps they just didn't fully understand the urgency of the situation, so I proceeded to explain.
"I have seen situations like this in my own family, and I know where it can lead. She needs to be prayed over immediately," I pleaded. "I believe she's in great danger!"
With this, Sally glanced at me with a look of displeasure. She then proceeded to explain (something to the effect of) how we did not need to be speaking out of fear and that God had the situation completely under His control.
Jackie appeared to be struggling with what to do, but I continued to reiterate (for Erica and Ashley's sake) the urgency. After everything that Erica had done for Kaylee, in that moment, I felt that I owed it to her. In fact, it felt very familiar to what we had struggled with concerning Kaylee's life. If God has everything completely under His control, and our prayers are not a factor, why does He instruct us (in Ephesians 6:18): "And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and request. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints." What about when the "day of evil" comes? (Ephesians 6:13) God is Sovereign over all, but He still requires our participation in this sinful, fallen world. I certainly wasn't doubting God in any way. On the contrary, I was trying to rally everyone to call on His intervention concerning Ashley's life! ...All of this, however, would later be misinterpreted as my "not speaking words of life" into the situation.
In hindsight, I wish I would have just dropped it. If a person does not want to pray, it's a waste of time to push the issue. But at the time, I felt like Satan was scheming and causing confusion again. After all, who else, but Satan, would want to keep us from praying?
After a few minutes, Jackie finally agreed to have us over the following morning to pray for Ashley. She also agreed to call on her daughter. I was extremely thankful that she had come around. I tried not to put too much thought into what had just taken place between Sally and me. Again, I just figured it was the schemes of the enemy to try and stop us from praying.
We met at Jackie's house the next morning and brought Ashley along with us. I was so happy to see that Jackie had asked her daughter to join us also, and she had found some perfect scripture to read to us as we began our time of prayer. Within only a few minutes of being in Ashley's presence, my heart was so heavy that I began to cry - weep from deep within - for her. The feeling that I had this day is hard for me to put into words. I have always been told that I have the gift of mercy, which also causes me to be very sensitive to what other people are feeling. Often times, when I am in the presence of someone in who is hurting deeply, I genuinely feel their pain. Honestly, it can be a difficult burden to carry at times. I was so burdened on this day that I could not even bring myself to pray aloud (which was very unusual for me). The other women prayed for Ashley, and I prayed silently as I agreed with each one of their prayers.
The following day, Ashley attempted suicide. Clearly the danger I had been sensing was not unwarranted, and thankfully her attempt was not successful. We praise God that her life was spared that day! God is still in the process of restoring her life today, and although there were some difficult years that followed our time of prayer that day, I know that every prayer we lifted up to God was heard and was meaningful in her life. Often times our prayers may appear to go unanswered in the moment, but this should not ever keep us from praying.
Although this did not happen until later, I feel that I need to mention this part of the story. Several weeks following Ashley's suicide attempt, Erica received a phone call from Jackie. She told Erica that the Holy Spirit had checked her when we asked her to pray for Ashley, and that she should not have allowed the time of prayer to take place. She then asked Erica if she would forgive her. I was sitting in the car with Erica when she received this phone call, and we were both shocked. Why would anyone apologize for praying for someone? (and to the person who had asked for prayer) ....Again, bizarre.
A few days after Ashley's suicide attempt, Sally called Erica with some of her concerns about me. This time she was neither subtle nor discrete. According to Erica, she began by telling her that I had a "form of godliness but denied God's power." She went on to explain to her that I did not speak "life." She then told Erica that she should not have brought me along for the time of prayer for Ashley, because all I did was sit there and cry. "It would have been better if I had not been there at all." she continued. (She later explained this further in an email which we still have.)
Erica was in shock and really did not know what to say or do, but Sally continued on pointing out the "pattern in my life" (my rear view mirror) indicating that this should clue Erica in as to my spiritual condition. She added that I should stop expecting people to always do things for me and that I needed to start helping other people in need.
To this Erica quickly jumped to my defense. Although I have many weaknesses, that Erica can attest to, not reaching out to help others in need was not one of them. Erica got off the phone as quickly as she could, and now tells me that she regrets that she allowed it to go on as long as it did. But honestly, I am grateful to know some of what was being said about me in secret.
Erica had no idea what to do following this phone call. She felt that if she let me know about it, it would possibly send me spiraling back downward. She knew what a hard time I was already having. She carried this for several days, asking God to show her how to best handle it. During this time, we attended another small group meeting with my being completely in the dark about what was going on.
In the meantime, I believe that God was trying to prepare me. During my time of prayer and Bible study, I kept coming across verses about slander, gossip, and malicious talk, and how serious this is to God (all of the things He had shown me concerning my own tongue prior to Kaylee's healing - the message of Isaiah 58). Finally, He took me to a verse in the book of Revelation (a book of the Bible that I rarely read) and as I read it, I felt God was speaking directly to me. Through these verses (which I am going to keep in my heart), He let me know that He was seeing everything that was taking place, and that He knew I had little strength left. He also let me know that He would cause my enemy's to come to me one day and acknowledge that He loved me.
In that moment, it honestly felt as though God was standing there before me speaking these words, and I understood that something bad was being stirred up against me (by the enemy). But the next day I wasn't so sure anymore.
I drove to Erica's and told her about my experience. I will never forget the look of shock on her face as I shared this with her:
"I think God might be trying to warn me about something," I said. "But I really don't know for sure."
Erica continued to sit there not saying a word as I read the verses to her. I then asked her, "Do you think that Pastor Stan is talking about me to people in the church?"
With that, Erica spilled it all. "If he is, he's not the only one." she said. "You're exactly right! That is what is going on! I just didn't know how to tell you."
As she began to tell me everything that Sally had been saying, I was completely shocked! I had not suspected anything like that at all. I understood why she had hesitated to tell me. It was such a personal attack and almost too much for me to handle at that time. I was literally shaking because it all felt so evil. (Again, I know that our struggle is not against flesh and blood)
After I got over the shock, I was angry!
"Wait a minute, I'm the one denying God's power? How is that? I am the one going around telling everyone what God did for Kaylee! They are the ones who don't believe it! ....And I'm the one not speaking "life"? What about all those terrible things she is saying about me? She is suppose to be our life-group leader! She should know better!"
By the time I got home, I had calmed down a bit, and I just felt weak, extremely weak. I didn't know what to do or how to handle it. I felt extremely vulnerable because I did not have a husband around to defend me. In fact, I felt pretty sure that all of this wouldn't be going on if I did. I couldn't turn to the pastor because he was angry with me as well. I wasn't even certain that he was not somehow involved in the talk against me. I couldn't turn to the pastors in Birmingham because they already thought I was trying to stir up trouble. Who was going to believe me?
I decided that the best thing for me to do was to confront Sally myself, but I did not want to do it alone. I didn't trust her. I didn't trust that she wouldn't twist my words to others, and tell them that I had said something I did not. At this point, however, I still trusted Jackie. I didn't even have the strength in that moment to pick up the phone and call her, so I sent her a text message first. Here was the series of initial texts between us (to the best of my recollection):
Me: Hey Jackie, Can I ask you a question?
Jackie: Sure
Me: Have you been saying negative things about me to other people in the church?
Jackie: No. Why would you think that?
Me: Because Sally has. I wanted to make sure you weren't involved.
Jackie: Who told you that? I am sure that is not true.
Me: She has been saying things to Erica. Erica told me about what has been going on.
Jackie: I really need to call Sally and talk to her about this. I am sure there was a misunderstanding.
Me: Please don't call her yet. I need to pray about how to handle this first. Can I call you tomorrow?
Jackie: Yes. I feel terrible about all of this. I am sure something was misunderstood.
Of course, I knew there was no misunderstanding, but I could understand why Jackie needed to believe there was. After all, these were my two life-group leaders, and Erica and I were members of their group. No pastor was going to be okay with that taking place within one of their groups. Suddenly, I felt very foolish. I began to wonder who else in the group had been told these things about me.
I talked with Jackie the next day on the phone. During that conversation, she asked me again if she could talk to Sally about this. I told her that she could, but I would rather her not. I then asked her if she could arrange a meeting with Sally, Erica, and I, and if she would sit in on it to be a witness. At that time, she agreed that she would.
At some point during the next week, I told my mother about what had happened. She had become acquainted with Sally. (She met her at Kaylee's prayer service and had attended a Bible study led by Sally), and without my knowledge, she called Sally and confronted her about it. After this, she called Erica and told her that she had talked with Sally. Although I appreciated that she had jumped to my defense, I was upset that this had happened because I had wanted to confront Sally myself without giving her time to prepare her defense.
When my mother came to my house the next day, we talked about it.
"I'm really sorry," she explained. "I was just so upset, I couldn't stand it. I wanted her to know that you didn't need this right now with everything else you have going on in your life!"
"What did she say to you?" I asked her.
"She just kept saying you are Satan-baited."
Naturally, hearing this got me upset all over again.
"Satan-baited? What does that even mean? I have never even had a conversation with this lady! How is it that she thinks she knows so much about me?"
My mother felt bad that she had called her without asking me first, and even worse that she had upset me even more. But it turned out to be very important that I get that piece of information.
Erica felt that she had no choice but to continue to go to the small group because she had invited two other women to join the group. But I let her know that there was no way I was going back. Although it bothered me a little that she was going, I understood why she felt she needed to.
The next day, I dropped by her house, and I saw a book sitting on her coffee table. It was entitled, "The Bait of Satan."
"Where did you get this book?" I asked!
"Sally gave it to me last night at the small group," she told me.
I grabbed it off the table. "This is suppose to be about me! She told my mother that I was Satan-baited! What did she say when she gave it to you?"
"She didn't say anything. She just handed me the book as I was leaving."
I asked Erica if I could take the book home to look through it (I still have the book). When I got home that night, I sat down and went from one page to the next. The entire book was marked up from cover to cover, things underlined, asterisks, highlighted, circled and even written in the margin that were clearly pertaining to my life.
I still get a chill down my spine when I think back to the most shocking part of all. I turned over to a page entitled: False Prophets... underneath it read -Wolf in Sheep's Clothing - (Which was underlined several times). This page had more marks than any other. I glanced down and saw something else that had been circled: They have a form of godliness but deny God's power ... there was then an asterisk beside: from such people, TURN AWAY.
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