"Listen to my cry,
for I am in desperate need;
rescue me from those who pursue me,
for they are too strong for me.
Set me free from my prison,
that I may praise Your name.
Then the righteous will gather about me
because of Your goodness to me."
Psalm 142: 6&7
After more than three years of the backfire that had followed Kaylee's healing, at a point when I felt desperate for someone to believe me, God heard my prayer. His answer did not come in the exact way I had imagined or hoped that it would, but I know without a doubt that He began to move on my behalf!
When Michelaine and Mason came to live with us, we knew that it was only a temporary arrangement. The time they spent with us was a very special time that I will always cherish in my heart. It was truly a time of prayer, praise and thanksgiving, and of course, a time of learning to live and work together. Every day wasn't perfect, but in that short period of time, we became like a family. In a way, having Michelaine around was like having a man in the house again because there was very little that she couldn't do. She cleaned out and organized my refrigerator and pantry for me, did most of the cooking, and if something broke, she could usually fix it. It was a wonderful retreat and a special time of blessing for us all!
By around the first of December, God provided a place for them to live on some rental property that my mother and her husband owned just down the road from their house in Notasulga. With Michelaine's double mastectomy scheduled for just a couple of days before Christmas, we teamed together to get all of their things moved out of my garage and into this house before the holidays arrived.
With the move, Christmas shopping for six children, the younger children getting out of school, and trips back and forth to Birmingham to visit family for the holidays, the month of December was jam packed for me. In addition to this, I had planned for my brother's children to spend the week after Christmas with us as they had been doing for several years now. It was going to be well into January before things finally settled down around my house. If I had it all to do over again, I would probably have planned things a little better. I had no idea how hard things were about to become for Michelaine.
Because of the timing of her surgery, she was going to be in the hospital on Christmas day. Although this seemed to be the absolute worst timing imaginable, the doctors did not want to put the surgery off any longer. Even with the move, unpacking, and all she had going on, Michelaine still managed to find the time to make personalized gifts for everyone in our family before she was admitted into the hospital. In the days leading up to this surgery, she seemed to be focused on everyone but herself. I never heard her complain once, and she hardly made mention of her upcoming surgery. Although we did pray that things would go well with the surgery, it hadn't even occurred to me how difficult the recovery from this surgery would be.
Among many things, Michelaine was told that she could not drive for at least 6 weeks following her surgery (due to setbacks it ended up closer to 10 weeks). With their home being far out on a farm in Notasulga, and not knowing many people in the area, this presented many hardships for them. She was far from a grocery store and unable to go anywhere on her own. Along with the day to day inconveniences and hardships of not being able to drive, she also had follow-up doctors' appointments two hours away in Birmingham. In addition to this, she was told not to lift anything over 3 lbs, which also made it extremely hard for her to do many things that she needed to do as a single mother. She couldn't even pour herself a drink. Thankfully, my mother filled in the first couple of weeks. She drove Michelaine to her first follow-up appointment in Birmingham and also took meals.
Not only were these daily struggles making it hard for Michelaine, the aftermath of the double mastectomy was harder on her, both emotionally and physically, than she had anticipated. For so many reasons, she needed the ministry and encouragement of a church family during this time. This presented yet another problem because she was unable to drive herself to church. At that time, I was no longer attending the same church and my mother went to another church across town.
When my mother made me aware of what a hard time Michelaine was having, I felt terrible. I felt bad that my mother was having to do everything (although she never complained) and that I hadn't been there for them. I decided to contact Bob's wife to see if she might be able to get the word out in the church about their immediate needs.
Although Michelaine was not yet a member of this church, she had been attending regularly before her surgery and had started the 101 classes to work toward church membership. I prayed that someone would be willing to reach out to them. A couple of days later, Bob's wife got back to me with the good news that Jackie was going to arrange to have people bring meals until Michelaine could get back on her feet. I was so thankful and relieved!
Along with the meals, Bob's wife told me that there was a lady in the church who wanted to do more than just bring a meal. This precious lady, who I will refer to as Cindy in this blog, offered to come help Michelaine on a daily basis. It was so comforting to know that God heard my prayer and that He had everything covered! Not only had He found someone in the church willing to reach out and help them, in what would later be of great significance, He found someone in a very unique position.
At the time of Kaylee's healing, Cindy was not yet a member of the church. At that time, Cindy and I were both members of A.U.M.C. Our daughters had cheered together and were friends, so she had been aware through those years of Kaylee's battle with disease. To my surprise, she and her daughter had shown up at Kaylee's prayer service on my birthday. She had kept up with Kaylee's recovery and healing after that night, and as far as I could tell, she was unaware of the controversy. She had been a first-hand witness to it all! It was not long after I had left the church the first time that she and her family had joined.
After I tried to return to the church, on the days when I felt uncomfortable, she always greeted me with a smile. Thankfully, I wouldn't have to keep a low profile about my connection to Michelaine and Mason with her. I would be able to talk freely with her and share anything I needed to about the situation. It was absolutely perfect!
A few days later, I got in touch with Cindy and we made plans to meet at my house and to drive together out to Michelaine's. I was able to talk with her and to share some details about their situation. During our conversations that day, Jackie's name came up several times. Each time it did, it was very tempting to prepare Cindy for what Jackie might possibly say to her about me, or to advise her not to mention that I had driven her out to Michelaine's. But each time the thought crossed my mind, I felt strongly in my spirit that I shouldn't say anything. God made it very clear to me that I needed to guard my tongue. I needed to trust Him with it completely. Although I was no longer attending the church, and Cindy even inquired as to why we had left, I gave her no indication that there were any problems.
Cindy literally took over at that point and was truly a "God-send" for Michelaine in every way. She cleaned for her, took down all her Christmas decorations, did her laundry, drove her whereever she needed to go, including her appointments two hours away in Birmingham. She also reached out and ministered to Mason during that time as well. She truly laid down her life and did everything she could to get them through this difficult time. It wasn't long after she stepped in that my mother got very sick. I don't know what we would have done without Cindy's sacrifice.
It was around this time also that the 21 days of prayer and fasting had begun again in the church. Although I was no longer attending the church services, I felt completely different during this particular season of prayer. This was my special time, the four year anniversary of when Kaylee's healing had begun. I was determined to be there at those prayer services every morning at 6 am to worship and give God praise for what He had done for Kaylee! The presence of God was so strong in these prayer services that I did not feel intimidated by my accusers. In fact, I felt empowered and strong! Not only was God's presence so evident in the church, because I was participating in the 21 days of fasting, God's strength and presence was so evident inside of me. I felt like a completely different person. Strangely, I even felt connected to the people I otherwise felt disconnected from in the church.
In addition to my time of worship and praise, I would pray for my accusers. I would call each one by name, including Pastor Stan and each one of the pastors, and pray that God would bless their families, their health, their finances, and every area of their life. It wasn't always an easy prayer for me, but I did this out of obedience to God. When I would speak the words, I felt the love and forgiveness in my heart. I truly meant every word. I would also pray for my family, my children and any needs that God laid on my heart for my friends. In addition to these prayers, I also prayed earnestly for my deliverance from the trap that Satan had set for me. I prayed Psalms 18, my prayer of deliverance, at every prayer service.
It was right in the middle of this 21 days of prayer and fasting in January of 2012 that it happened. Even as I write about it today, all of the feelings and emotions I experienced in that moment are still so raw. I didn't see it coming. Even though I knew things were not right in this church concerning me, I was completely blindsided by what was about to come.
My mother and I went to visit Michelaine on this night. We had some things that were heavy on our heart that we wanted to discuss with her. We never got around to this discussion. Not long after we arrived, Michelaine told us that she had some things she needed to tell us. From the moment she started talking, I had a terrible, sick feeling in the pit of my stomach all over again. She had been keeping some things from me, perhaps to protect me, but for whatever reason, it all came out on this night.
She told me that Cindy had shown up at her house about a week or so earlier one day very upset. Something had happened at the prayer service that morning that had really shaken her up. She hesitated to even tell Michelaine about it at first, but she was so confused and upset that she finally let it out. She told Michelaine that Jackie had approached her that morning, during prayer, and told her that something had been brought to their attention and that she no longer needed to help Michelaine.
I could feel my heart beating out of my chest at this point. I already suspected what it was.
According to Michelaine, Cindy then explained to Jackie that she didn't understand and that she felt strongly that God had called her to help. She knew of all Michelaine's overwhelming needs, and she didn't want to stop helping.
"Well, you know who her best friend is, don't you?" she then added, "It's Laura Rush!"
I was completely stunned! She had come right out and said it! She hadn't even tried to cover it up at all! She had come right out and boldly said my name, and with no shame, as if everyone in the church should have already known about me!
I can't even put into words the absolute horror of that moment. I felt so incredibly weak and vulnerable. The only thing that made it easier to handle was when I glanced over at my mother, who was clearly as alarmed and upset as I was, if not more. In fact, she looked like she was about to explode! She knew, more than anyone else, all that I had done to try and help Michelaine and Mason get out of a terrible situation. She also knew everything that had been said and done following Kaylee's healing by these ladies! If she hadn't been there, and I had to hear this by myself, I honestly don't know what I would have done. I was shaking.
Who else was being told this about me in the church? Had she called everyone who had signed up to bring meals and told them not to because Michelaine was Laura Rush's friend? I was completely mortified!
I don't remember if I said anything or if my mother did. I think we were both in shock for a few minutes. Michelaine continued on with her account of what had happened. According to Michelaine, Cindy, who was very confused by what she was hearing also, replied, "Laura Rush is my friend too. I don't understand."
I felt a brief relief knowing that Cindy had stood by me. I could only hope that Jackie felt a bit foolish in that moment, but if she did, it didn't stop her from continuing on.
"There was a prayer service for her daughter at this church..." she tried to continue.
"Yes, I know," Cindy interrupted. "I was at that prayer service. Kaylee was healed at that service."
If Cindy had not been there to witness it all first hand, there is no telling where things would have gone from this point. Cindy had experienced the mighty power of God that had manifested on that night. She had witnessed Kaylee's visible, miraculous recovery for herself. Undoubtedly, this too, must have taken Jackie aback.
But she still continued on. "I know Kaylee was healed, but....."
BUT? How could there be a "but" to our miraculous healing? Was she saying it shouldn't have happened? Was she saying God made a mistake that night? Or was she indicating that God healed Kaylee anyway, in-spite of her wicked mother who had manipulated everyone to pray for her? Did she not realize that I had been on my knees praying for that healing for nine long years? I had been fasting and seeking God, long before any of them were ever in the picture? Did she honestly believe that God had healed Kaylee that night only because of their prayers?
I couldn't even listen to anymore.
"I knew it! I knew this was going on all along!" I said. "I tried to tell the pastor but he didn't believe me!"
"I'm going to back to the pastor first thing tomorrow!" I said. "This has to stop!"
"No," She tried to calm me down. "I'm not finished. God has already got you covered. Just listen..."
My head was spinning; everything that had been said about me years earlier was coming back to my mind. Did they think Michelaine was my "partner" - sent by the devil also to cause division in the church? Did they think we had faked Mason's healing and Michelaine's surgery as part of our "wicked plans"? It was all so completely convoluted!
Although I had questioned my decision in the beginning, I was now thankful that I had prepared Michelaine in advance and told her everything. She had then been able to go back and explain to Cindy how all of this had come about.
"This is because of Sally," I finally concluded. "All of this has to be coming from Sally! Jackie wouldn't have come up with this on her own!"
"No, I don't think so," Michelaine said. "I don't think Sally had anything to do with it this time. Her name never came up in the conversation. I think it's coming from Beverly. Jackie kept bringing up Beverly's name."
If this was true, it was exactly what I had been afraid of all along. If the talk against me was coming from Beverly - an elder - someone in a position of authority in the church - what hope did I have of this ever getting fixed? This would explain why Jackie had approached Cindy with so much confidence and boldness, even after knowing she was my friend.
I honestly couldn't believe Satan had pulled it off! He had pulled off the ultimate evil conspiracy! Not only had he completely shut down the testimony of our miraculous night, he had done it through the same woman whom God had used to bring everyone together for Kaylee's healing that night. Not only was Jackie boldly speaking against me, she was now speaking against Kaylee's prayer service. And she had said it right there in the same sanctuary, in the very spot where we had once stood together united in prayer over Kaylee's life. I could almost picture Satan sitting back laughing at us all.
"Cindy is really upset about it," Michelaine tried to reassure me again. "Jackie has called everyone to try and get my meals stopped too."
Perhaps I was being selfish, but at that point, I couldn't even think about the meals. My mom and I could bring meals every day if we absolutely had to. I was concerned about my reputation and about my name being further smeared throughout the church and community! I was concerned about my testimony! This was out of control! It felt like a nightmare!
"Cindy's husband is very upset about what is being done to you, " Michelaine went on. "He said that this is poison being spread throughout this church! It is against the bylaws of the church. He is going to go to the pastor himself," she told me.
I desperately tried to feel comforted and hopeful, but the slanderous talk against me had been going on for years now! Somehow Satan had managed to keep it going and to twist and turn everything back around on me every time I had tried to get help. Perhaps this would finally be it? Perhaps God was finally going to deliver me? I felt extremely grateful to both Cindy and her husband for taking this stand!
Michelaine told me also that Bob and his wife were aware of what had happened and that they were very upset about it as well.
"I have never seen her like that before!" Michelaine went on (referring to Bob's wife). "She was so mad about what is being done to you!"
It was good to know that at least I was not completely alone. I was confident that I could count on Bob and his wife to cover the situation in prayer. It was the only hope I had.
My range of emotions had been all over the place in just a matter of minutes. I had to get up and excuse myself from the room. I felt so betrayed by Jackie and Beverly. I thought Sally might be capable of something like this, but not them. I certainly hadn't expected anything as blatant as this. I felt humiliated and embarrassed, not knowing who all was being told these things about me. I felt relieved that someone was finally going to the pastor on my behalf. At least he would know that he had been wrong to tell me that Satan had been filling my head full of lies! Perhaps he would grant me that meeting after all? But at the same time, I was fearful that he still wouldn't do anything about it. Nothing seemed to ever go as it should. If he didn't take a strong stand against what was being done to me, it was possible that Cindy and her husband might begin to question me also. There were so many hands involved in the secret talk against me, and because they were people of status, position and authority in the church, it was overwhelming.
At least I could be confident that God was on my side. My heart's desire had been to help two people in a time of desperate need. He knew this! I had offered them shelter when they had nowhere else to go. God had been with us the entire time! Not only had He miraculously touched Mason's body, Mason had given his life to Jesus during this time! Michelaine had rededicated her life! It had never been more obvious to me that all of this that was continually coming against me was an evil conspiracy of the enemy. Not only was he trying to shut down our testimony, he was now using the division that he had created in this church, and his accusations against my character, to attempt to stop the calling God had on my life.
Even with this realization, for the next couple of days, I was not in a good place. I was angry! The next morning, during the prayer service, I couldn't keep my eyes off of Jackie. She was in front of the church, at the altar where Kaylee had been healed, praying and worshiping God with no shame at all. I couldn't believe that she appeared to see nothing wrong with what she had just done. I couldn't bring myself to pray for any of my accusers that morning. In fact, my heart was in such a bad place, I had to get up and leave the prayer service early.
When I walked out into the lobby, I saw Jackie's husband standing there alone. It was just the two of us in the lobby. He looked up briefly; we made eye contact; but he quickly turned away. I stormed passed him and bolted through the doors! I didn't care if he knew I was angry! In fact, I wanted him to know that I was angry! This had gone on long enough! They could continue to accuse me of "manipulating" for prayer for my sick child, and point fingers at me for having human emotions and responses, but God was very clear on the subject of slandering your brother. Who did they think they were?
I am pretty sure there was a band of demons in the parking lot that day applauding my dramatic exit from that prayer service!
Eventually, God was able to get a hold of me. He reminded me again that my struggle was not against flesh and blood. I was equally as guilty as all of my accusers. I was as much of a sinner, saved only by His grace, as every person who was speaking against me. I had used my tongue to speak against others before. I had been a participant in gossip. They had been set up, through the ultimate evil conspiracy, in order to shut down our testimony. But on the other hand, they were also the very ones who had stood in front of the altar on my birthday and battled for my child's life. God had hand picked each and every one of them because they were precious and invaluable to Him. He loved them! I knew that I had to quickly get a grip on my anger!
I opened up my journal and read back over the prayer I had written to Him several weeks earlier: How long will You sit back and do nothing? It was then that it became clear to me that He was answering this prayer. He had set all of this up. As painful as it was, He was bringing to light what had been going on in the darkness for a very long time. This was a critical step toward my deliverance. He was allowing things to play out so that Satan's wicked schemes could be fully exposed in the end.
As bad as it looked for me, I knew that there was no chance that the enemy would have the victory in the end. As much as I wanted my name cleared quickly, and my reputation and testimony restored, I had to trust in His timing. Ultimately it really wasn't even about me. It was about God! That night had been orchestrated by Him. There was clearly something about our testimony that Satan feared. I had to trust that God was at work, even though I could not fully understand, and that everything taking place was about something much bigger than me.
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