Our Story, Part Seven (The Darkness begins...)

“Even the darkness will not be dark to you;

The night will shine like day,

For darkness is as light to you.”

Psalms 139:12

I have often heard pastors and teachers say that when you have had a “mountaintop” experience with God, it is often followed by a “valley.”  I am not sure why it seems to happen this way, but my best guess is that Satan feels threatened whenever anyone experiences the goodness of God.  He doesn’t want our faith to remain at that level, and he certainly doesn’t want the good news spread to others who might benefit from it.  Our walk with God can be very much like a spiritual “war”.  Every victory, no matter how big or small, brings about “backfire” from the enemy.  He seems to know right where to aim his fiery arrows, targeting those “holes” in our armor (the weak spots). He is an expert in knowing exactly where these weak points are because he was the one behind putting them there in the first place!  My faith was so high, following all of this with Kaylee, that I truly felt like there was nothing I couldn’t handle from the enemy.  I was very wrong.

Almost at the exact time that Kaylee had made a turn-around in her health, we experienced the first of what would be many job losses.  Obviously, there were so many things about the timing of this that were absolutely horrible.  Because we had spent most of the early part of our marriage with either one or the other of us in school, there had not been time to put money back or save for any type of crisis.  In fact, my husband had just recently finished graduate school, and we were both still in the process of trying to pay back our student loans.  Not only that, we were now spending an enormous amount of money on Kaylee’s care.  We had already been struggling from the point we had begun this diet for her, and I did not see how we were going to be able to continue to do what we were doing.

To make matters worse, we also lost our health insurance at the same time.  This put Kaylee in a very vulnerable place.  She was doing great, but if we backed off of what we were doing at all, we knew that she could go down quickly.  We had no choice but to continue on the strict and expensive regimen we were doing for Kaylee.  Also, because Kaylee’s care required so much of my time, it was not an option for me to go back to work to help supplement our income during this crisis.  I had to continue to make her health my first priority!  

We were also in another crisis of sorts at this time, concerning our house.  A few weeks after we had moved in, we found out that it had been run in the newspaper that our street was in the pathway of the new plans to extend interstate 459.  Because we were moving from out of town, we did not realize this.  This meant it was going to be extremely hard for us to sell our house if we needed to.  In fact, when we had realized how expensive it was going to be to care for Kaylee, we had already attempted to try and start selling our house.   I knew it would be wrong of me to hide the information about the interstate plans from anyone interested in the house (even though this had been done to us).  Therefore, we were pretty certain that it was going to be extremely hard to get out from under it.

There was a long story behind why I had picked this particular house in the first place.  I was expecting my 5^th child, and we were being transferred from Auburn to Birmingham for a new job.  I had 5 houses picked out that I loved in Trussville, but by the time our house in Auburn sold, all of those houses were sold.  I was very discouraged, and did not like any of the houses that were left in our price range. Because I was about to have a baby, I did not want to move into a rental and have to move twice.  When I was on the phone with a friend of mine, she told me that I needed to consider houses in her area (Clay).  Although Clay was close to Trussville, it seemed so much further out and less convinient.  I honestly had no desire to live there, but I wondered if God might possibly be calling me there.  You see, my friend’s husband had just recently been shot and killed by an intruder in their church where he had been the music minister.  She had been left alone to care for four small children, ages 7, 3, 2 and 6mos (at the time).   

My heart had been so heavy for her since this had happened, and I felt strongly that God had called me to help her in the months that followed.  My children and I had made many trips back and forth from Clay to Auburn earlier in the year.  I began to wonder if perhaps God needed me to be closer to her.  The next day after I talked with her, I asked my realtor to show me some houses in that area.   It just so happened that there was a perfect house for sale very close to her house.  Because the first 5 houses we wanted had sold so quickly, we were afraid to waste any time.  We quickly signed a contract, without putting much prayer into this decision.

While I do know without a doubt that God called me to reach out to my friend and to help her in the months following her husband’s death, I now believe that Satan may have used my emotions at that time to deceive me into buying this particular house.  I can’t say for certain, but this house would continue to be a “thorn in my side” for quite some time!  Even so, I will always know that my motive in looking in this area was out of love for my friend.  Brian (her husband) was such a wonderful man and so dear to my heart (and everyone who knew him).  We all wanted to make sure his family was taken care of for him and for God.  It had been a very evil act that had taken his life way too soon!  We have to remember, at times like this, that we are all God has as a physical presence to help our brothers and sisters in their time of need.  If I was deceived into buying this home, I know God will make it all up to me one day.

Although my faith was at an all-time high following all of this with Kaylee, Satan had targeted my greatest weakness by coming after my finances. In fact, when it came to finances, I had fears like none other.  My childhood had been plagued with financial hardship, and this was the exact point where my deepest wounds (or holes in my “armor”) were.  This was the area that I had worked so hard to keep under control, and suddenly I had no control at all.   All I could do was to wait and pray for something to "break" quickly.  Yet, as days turned into weeks and weeks into months with no job in sight, it just got harder and harder to continue to hold on.  Every paycheck we missed put us deeper in the “hole,” and unemployment checks were not even 10% of what we had been making.  We knew nothing to do but to resort to paying our mortgage and other expenses with credit cards.   I knew this wasn’t good either, but I didn’t know what else to do.  I was absolutely terrified of where we were heading, and we were heading there fast! 

There were a couple of instances during this time, when I believe God was preparing me that I was about to enter into a very long, dark time in my life.  The first time came through a dream.  In this dream, I was standing on the edge of a cliff.  I couldn’t see God, yet I felt His presence and somehow knew that He was beside me.  He never said a word, but He reached out His hand for me to take ahold of it.  I started to put my hand in His, but suddenly realized how high up we were, and I became afraid.  I turned to look for something to hold on to, like a tree or branch, in case He decided to just take my hand and force me to go.  He did not do this, yet His hand remained there before me.  I finally began to understand that this was GOD, and that I couldn’t continue to hold on and not go with Him if He wanted me to.  So I reached my hand out and put it into His, and we began to fly.  It felt like my heart dropped quickly into the pit of my stomach as we left the cliff, yet once I realized I was safe, I began to take in the beautiful scenery and enjoy that God was showing me His beautiful creation! 

But then all at once, we began to head downward, and we entered into a dark cave.  I remember that I hated the cave, and somehow I sensed that this cave represented the hard times in my life.  The cave was so dark that I could not see anything at all, yet I felt God’s hand gripping tight to mine and pulling me through it. 

At first I was so focused on the darkness and the claustrophobic feeling of this cave, but suddenly I began to sense that there was a beautiful light at the end of this cave.  It was so magnificent and glorious in fact that my heart began to pound with excitement, and I no longer cared about the darkness of the cave.  I just wanted to get to the light!  ……then I woke up.  I tried to fall back asleep so I could finish the dream!  It felt so real, and it was a terrible feeling of disappointment not to be able to make it to the light! 

I have thought about this dream often, and there were times when remembering this dream was what carried me through and gave me hope.  It was because of this dream that I always knew that God’s hand was holding mine throughout every dark moment that was to come.  I had no idea just how dark it was going to get or how long this cave would be.  I am honestly glad that I did not know at the time!

My second preparation/warning came in a very different way.  I had fallen asleep one night with anger in my heart toward someone who had been very insensitive to what we were going through.  God clearly warns us: “In your anger do not sin.  Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.”   Ephesians 4: 26&27   I believe that this passage of scripture definitely applied to what happened to me this night.  I woke up around 3am overcome with fear!  It was as if Satan was right there next to my bed, whispering these words in my ear:  There is bankruptcy all in your family, and you will go bankrupt too!  There is nothing you can do about it!  You bought the wrong house!  Your house will never sell, and you are going to lose everything…. 

I was so terrified that I woke my husband up to tell him what was going to happen!  I truly believed every word, and I could not stop crying. 

The next morning my sister-in-law, Kelly, called and told me that God had given her a scripture for me.  She went on to explain to me how she had hesitated to call me because she felt that this scripture might come across as insensitive.  Yet she told me that God would not let it go until she called me.  She went on to read it to me (I have highlighted the words that stood out to me most):

Lord, you have assigned me my portion and my cup;

You have made my lot secure.

The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;

Surely I have a delightful inheritance.

Psalms 16: 5&6

As I hung up the phone I felt such comfort in knowing that, although I had most likely brought this “attack” on myself, God had great compassion toward me at that moment!   He had given my sister-in-law (who had no idea what was going on) the exact words of assurance that I needed. 

As I was praying and expressing my gratitude to God for sending me this comfort, I suddenly felt Him speak these words to my heart:  The cattle on a thousand hills belong to Me. You are My child. You have nothing to be afraid of.   

I began to think about this and about that fact that God was my Heavenly Father.  It didn’t matter about the insecurities of my family or my past; my ultimate inheritance would come through Him!  Suddenly, the fear began to fade.  …..After this, I felt Him speak these words to me:  Are you willing to go through whatever I need you to go through for My glory?

I sat there for a minute thinking about all that God had just done for me and for Kaylee.  God had truly been so good to us, and I was overcome with gratitude! 

“Yes God!  I will do anything that you need for me to do!”  I said. 

Then these words followed:  Even if you lose everything, I have the power to restore it all!

After this time of prayer, I felt that reassuring peace transcend me again (at least for that moment).  God had not promised to remove my circumstances or even promised me that the things I feared would not come to be.  He was simply reassuring me that I would be secure, and that it would always be under His control and within His boundaries.  He was also assuring me that I had a delightful inheritance that was not dependent on my financial circumstances.  My inheritance would come through Him!