Our Story, Part Fifty-Four (Called To Peace)

"Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.  Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone.  Forgive as the Lord forgave you.  And over all virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. 

Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace."

Colossians 3:12-15 

As we walk through this life, we are going to face many trials.  Circumstances will inevitably come our way that may cause us to wonder at times whether God has forgotten us or whether, at any minute, He is going to sweep down and save us. This was where I found myself in the years following Kaylee's prayer service and healing.  I was certain that my rescue was coming, but after such a long time, it was disheartening to believe that I was so close, only to have it snatched away again. 

In what I believe was an answer to my prayers for help, God brought to light the things that had been going on for a very long time within the church where Kaylee's healing had taken place.  It happened right in the middle of the 21 day fast that I was participating in with this church. After I got over the initial shock of just how bad the secret talk against me really was, and the fact that it had taken place during a prayer service where I was present, it was a great relief to know that it hadn't been my imagination all this time, nor had it been "Satan filling your (my) head full of lies," as I had been told.  It was all very real.  

Yet when several days had gone by without my hearing anything about how the meeting with the pastor had gone, that sick feeling came over me once again. What was I going to do if they just left me here? How was I going to respond, after how blatant and obvious the talk against me had been, if they covered this up and acted as though nothing had happened?  Surely God hadn't brought all of this out into the open for me to be left here no better off than I was before?   

My mother, who had been feeling just as anxious and upset about the entire situation as I was, decided to come out and ask Michelaine about it herself one day when she dropped by their house to check on them.  She later described this moment to me this way: "You know that sick feeling you get when you realize that someone has gone over to the 'other side'?  That was what I felt."

Michelaine's perspective had completely changed!  

Michelaine told her that the meeting had gone well and that Jackie was "coming around" and seemed to have had a change of heart concerning her and Mason.  She was no longer going to attempt to stop their meals and everything was "back on track". She made no mention of me at all.  

Needless to say, my mother was very confused. We had both been told that the entire purpose of that meeting had been to let the pastor know about the "poison" that was being spread throughout the church about me.  After more than three years of the on-going talk against me in this church, and after I had gone to the pastor personally with my concerns and asked for a meeting so that this could be resolved, this had been our primary concern. Surely Michelaine knew this.

"But what about Laura?" my mother finally asked. "What are they going to do about her?"  

"Laura just really needs to put all of that behind her," Michelaine responded.  "She doesn't need to be so worried about what people think about her.  I don't care what people think about me." 

When my mother later told me about this conversation, it was a crushing blow.  Apparently nothing was going to be done at all, and someone had persuaded Michelaine that this was perfectly fine. This was why she hadn't called me. It was the same scenario that had taken place every other time I had attempted to get help. This was where it always ended up.  It didn't matter what they continued to do or say about me; I was expected to continue to put it behind me and go on. I was expected not to care. But I did care! How could anyone honestly say that they would feel any differently if they were in my shoes?  Furthermore, this had grown far beyond what people thought about me. They were spreading their "thoughts" around the church! They were destroying my reputation and my testimony. They were hindering the calling I felt God had on my life with their tongues.  How could they justify leaving me here?   
Eventually Michelaine did tell me a little about what she was told had happened in that meeting. Although I may never know for certain, according to her, the pastor did acknowledge that Jackie had done wrong to openly speak against me. However, he didn't seem concerned with the damage it had caused me or with making things right with me. Instead, he asked Cindy and her husband not to talk about what had happened with anyone else in the church. He told them that if they went around talking about what Jackie had done to me, they would essentially be doing the same thing to her that had been done to me.  

As far as I was concerned, this response could only mean one thing. It was exactly what I had suspected. Whatever it was that was being spread about me in this church, the pastor must now believe to be true.  Otherwise, how would it be the same thing?  Jackie was guilty of openly speaking against me. I still didn't know what I was being accused of in secret.  Although I didn't think what Jackie had done to me needed to be spread around the church either, this had already been done to me. 

Even if I had manipulated everyone to pray for my sick child, which was a judgment of my motives that I would never be able to disprove, why was it okay for them to continue to hold this against me for years?  Yet I was the one constantly being accused of being bitter and unforgiving?  It made no sense at all.  It wasn't that I felt I had handled every situation perfectly, but I had made every attempt to reconcile with my accusers. I had apologized for everything I felt I had done wrong. I had forgiven the wrongs I felt had been done to me, and continued to attend the church and work toward peace.  When it became evident that they were still holding a grudge against me, I had asked for a meeting with everyone involved to try to reconcile the situation.  What more could I do to try and resolve this?  Their continual treatment of me went against every sermon I had ever heard preached in this church on the subject of love for one another.    

What it boiled down to was this: If they saw me as a valid member of the Body of Christ, knowing that I wanted to reconcile the situation, there was no excuse for their unwillingness to resolve this.  It
didn't make sense that they could continue to justify leaving me in the dark about their case against me. I had been completely upfront with the pastor.  I had pleaded with him to help me!

Now that God had brought everything out in the open for me, and now that I knew for certain that their case against me involved Kaylee's prayer service, at least they could no longer tell me this was all in my head.  But my problem still remained. Because my testimony was so heavily linked to this church, if I continued to share what God had done for Kaylee through that prayer service, they would likely dispute it. They might say that I manipulated people, which would further damage my witness and ultimately shut down my testimony.  

As I saw it, I only had two options left.  I wasn't willing to let them shut down my testimony.  I wasn't going to let Satan win that easily. I could leave things broken and share my testimony as it was. I could walk away and tell people how I had been treated in this church, or I could make one final attempt to handle this in a Biblical manner and work toward peace.   

The choice seemed obvious.  I just couldn't believe that God would want me to leave the situation broken.  I still believed in this church and in the heart of these people. We were ALL members of the same Body, whether they believed I was part of it or not.  Our testimony was about much more than just a physical healing.  It was about the strength and power of a UNITED Body of Christ!  I needed to do everything I could to keep this from ending in division!

After spending more than two weeks in prayer about how I needed to approach this, I decided that the first step I needed to take (according to Mathew 18:15-17) was to ask for a meeting with Jackie. Although I knew that there were many other hands involved in the on-going controversy, Jackie had been the one who had just spoken against me and against our prayer service. I needed to find out, directly from her, if all of this was true, and if so, why she had tried to stop people from helping Michelaine just because she was my friend. 

"Jackie" is still my friend on Facebook, so I was able to go back and find our conversation that took place on February 18th, 2012.  (Names have been changed) 

(Jackie), I need to talk with you about the things you said to (Cindy) about me. I have given it some time to see if you would approach me first. I need for this situation to be resolved and reconciled for good. Is there a time we could meet.....you and I?

Laura, I'm not sure what you are talking about? What did (Cindy) say to you about me? You name it!? I can meet you whenever.

We can discuss it when we meet. I can meet anytime tomorrow, or next week (my house or yours or anywhere). The sooner the better for me. I would like it to be the two of us, but if you are going to have someone else with you, just please let me know so I can bring someone with me. My goal is, and always has been, for truth and righteousness to reign in this, and for reconciliation and restoration. ....just let me know


The following day I received this message back from her: 

Laura, after discussing this with (her husband) and thinking about what you want to talk to me about, we think it best not to meet with you. I pray that God will give you the restoration and reconciliation you want and need to live your life in freedom and love! Truth and righteousness has always reigned and I bless you with more and more in yours and your family's life. Love you.

I was on my way out the door to church when I received this message from Jackie.  It was an extremely frustrating and vicious cycle, but I didn't want to spend too much time worrying over it. I had followed God's instructions, and as far as Jackie was concerned, I would have to leave the rest to Him. I decided that I would get back in prayer to see what my next step needed to be. Strangely, I was feeling incredibly strong that morning, after spending so much time in prayer, and at my children's request, had even decided to go back and visit the church where Kaylee's healing had taken place. I didn't even care if I saw Jackie and her husband.  

When we sat down in church that morning (in my old spot in the back of the church) I looked down at the paper I had been handed when I walked in.  On this sheet was an outline of what the sermon would be on that morning.  As I looked over it, that sick feeling came back over me again. I began to feel extremely weak. I didn't want to be there.  I considered getting up to leave, but how could I make it so obvious?  What would I say to my children?  

As we began to worship, a calming peace and strength began to come over me again.  This was certainly not the sermon I was hoping to hear on that day, and I knew it would be extremely hard for me to sit through it. But I also knew it was no accident that I was there.  In my spirit, I began to sense that God had something important that He needed to show me.  Perhaps this was an answer to my prayers for help?  I looked down at the sheet again, and suddenly it occurred to me: This is their case against me!