"The earth trembled and quaked,
and the foundations of the mountain shook;
they trembled because he was angry.
Smoke rose from his nostrils;
consuming fire came from his mouth,
burning coals blazed out of it.
He parted the Heavens and came down;
dark clouds were under his feet.
He mounted the cherubim and flew;
he soared on the wings of the wind.
He made darkness his covering,
his canopy around him-
the dark rain clouds advanced,
with hailstones and bolts of lightening.
The LORD thundered from heaven;
the voice of the Most High resounded.
He shot his arrows and scattered the enemies,
great bolts of lightening and routed them.
The valley of the seas were exposed
and the foundations of the earth laid bare
at your rebuke, O LORD,
at the breath from your nostrils.
He reached down from on high
and took hold of me;
he drew me out of deep waters.
He rescued me from my powerful enemy,
from my foes, who were too strong for me."
Psalms 18:4-17
I will always think of January 18th, 2008 as being the night God came down, with a vengeance, to rescue my family from the grip of the enemy.
Erica and I had planned to meet on Thursday evening, January 17th, to finalize our plans for the diet we were going to start with Kaylee. We had both decided that we would do the diet with her so that she would not feel alone. That afternoon I was on the phone with my friend (the friend who first introduced me to Dr. Robbins years earlier). Although my friend was doing much better than she had been all those years ago, she was still struggling with her health, and the diet that she had been on for so long had become an enormous financial burden, an all-consuming task, and another form of bondage in itself. She was talking to me about all of this, and she began to cry. This was one of the few times I had ever heard her cry.
As my friend was telling me these things, something took place deep inside of me that I will never forget. I suddenly felt as though the Holy Spirit was weeping inside of me for my friend. It was a feeling I cannot even describe in words, but I remember that it was so intense that I had to stop what I was doing and sit down. I couldn't even talk to her or explain to her what I was feeling, but after we hung up the phone, this feeling would not leave me. I remember going to the bathroom (my place of refuge from the children) sitting down in the floor and crying for my friend. I began praying for her and asking God to deliver her completely, then suddenly I felt strongly that God wanted me to let her know that He was going to heal her. I also felt that He wanted me to call her and let her know this.
Again, I am rarely completely confident in my hearing from God, and I am always afraid of getting it wrong. I certainly did want to offer false hope to my friend. So I tried to ignore this and continue on with my night, but this feeling continued to get stronger and heavier, so much so, that I even called Erica and rescheduled our meeting to the next night, January 18th. (This was a very significant change of plans as well and most definitely orchestrated by God.)
I could not rest or do anything else until I finally made the phone call to my friend. I told her, "I think God wants me to tell you that He is going to heal you." I went on to tell her that I didn't know when or how but that God would not let me rest until I had made that call to her. My lack of confidence was probably not very convincing. I had never done anything like that in my life! After this, I finally felt a peace, and I could relax again.
Before I went to bed that night, I made my plans for the next day of fasting. I decided that I would follow the prayer plan that we often did at my former Baptist church. I planned to go off by myself and pray four separate times throughout that day. The first time would be a time of praise and thanksgiving for everything God had done for me. The second time, I would pray for the needs of others. The third time, I would pray for my own needs. The final time, I would ask God to speak to me or show me anything He needed to show me. I was also determined to have a good day as far as my actions toward others and especially with my tongue!
I started my day off early with my first prayer time. I went to my van (another place of refuge from my children) and I put on some praise music. As I began my time of praise, I started thinking about all the things that God had done for me. Because I was sitting there in my van, I was reminded that I needed to thank God that this van was still working for me. I had driven it for more than 10 years, and with our current financial and credit situation, it was scary to think of what we would do when it died. I decided to praise God for my van that day and for every day that it continued to run. (This will be very significant later as well.)
After this first time of prayer, I had to take Janiee to a doctor's appointment. Throughout this day, it seemed that all my buttons were being pushed. It started when I went to check Janiee out of school. I was already running late, but the lady in the office decided that it was a good time to discuss Janiee's absences and to make sure she had all of her doctor's excuses for each one. She pulled it up on her computer and was slowly going over it, which would have been fine if I didn't have somewhere that I needed to be. I do not remember how I finally got out of there, but I do remember being shocked at how well I handled it without showing any frustration.
Several other things like this happened throughout the day, and each time, I did not respond as I normally would have. I honestly felt the "fruits of the Spirit" at work in me on this day: love, joy, peace, patience, gentleness, kindness, goodness, self-control.... It was absolutely amazing!
At Janiee's doctor's appointment, something was said that would later be very significant as well. Janiee had been on a medication that had caused her symptoms to temporarily get worse before they got better. The doctor looked at her and said, "Everything is right on schedule and looks great. It's reversing itself."
The day continued on perfectly (as far as my prayers and actions) and that night Erica came over so that we could plan out our menu and our trip to Birmingham. We were sitting at the kitchen table (Erica, Kaylee and I) and we had our copy of "The Maker's Diet" open in front of us. I remember looking at Kaylee and noticing that she was a very sick and desperate girl. In fact, at times she was trembling.
As we began planning the diet out, I remember that I started to feel overwhelmed again. God had given me so much grace to do this the first time, but I just wasn't feeling it this time around. It was going to be so time consuming and hard. Also, many of the foods in this diet I had never even heard of. Erica was trying her best to be enthusiastic and to help us plan, so she asked me to start making a list of everything we needed for each of the weeks ahead, and to separate what we could get locally from what we would need to get in Birmingham. When I thought about doing this, I just couldn't.
"I am so sorry," I told her, "I am just too tired to do this right now. Maybe it's because I have been fasting all day but my brain feels like it is shutting down."
I glanced over at Kaylee and saw that she looked disappointed. "I'm really sorry," I continued on, "If I can just get some sleep tonight, I will get up first thing in the morning and get it done. I promise."
"Okay then," Erica said, then she decided to change the subject. "I have something that God has been wanting me to ask you. It's been on my heart a while, but I just haven't said anything."
"Okay," I said, "What is it?"
"When are you going to finish your book?" she asked. (I had started writing a book after Kaylee's first recovery from Crohn's, before she got sick again.)
I started to laugh. "Are you kidding? Look at Kaylee! Who is going to buy a book with this ending?" I tried to continue on with the laughable moment, ....but then, in that same moment, I suddenly felt the presence of God come over me. It was like nothing I had ever felt before. It was similar to what I had felt the day before with my friend on the phone, yet different and much stronger. (I can feel it again now as I write, and sometimes when I am telling someone about this moment, it will come over me again. It was an incredible, calming presence.)
My prayer journal was sitting in front of me, and I picked it up. (If you will remember, I would write, scripture, prayers, and if I felt that God was speaking something to me, I would write this down as well.) For some reason, I began flipping through the pages of my journal. As the pages turned, I glanced down and saw three separate verses that I had written in my journal on different occasions. (I am going to highlight the words my eyes were immediate drawn to).
First turn: "These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation, but be of good cheer. I have overcome the world." John 16:33
Second turn: "Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me - put into practice. And the God of peace will be with you." Philippians 4:9
Third turn: "then you will find your joy in the LORD, and I will cause you to ride on the heights of the land and to feast on the inheritance of your father Jacob. The mouth of the LORD has spoken." Isaiah 58:14
The words I highlighted almost seemed illuminated and like they were jumping off the page. I quickly shut my journal and pushed it to the side. The strong presence of God, in that moment, was almost too much for me.
I looked up and noticed that Erica and Kaylee were both staring at me with a look of bewilderment.
"Why are ya'll staring at me?" I asked, with a laugh. "Do I look weird or something?"
"No, you don't look weird, but you sure are acting really strange," Erica said.
I paused, trying to decide if I should tell them what had just happened or not.
"Okay," I finally said, "I feel really weird right now, almost like I'm drunk or something, and every time I open my journal it says something about God speaking to me! It's really starting to freak me out! I am not opening that journal again!"
"Seriously?" Erica said. "Well, you've just got to open it one more time and see if it happens again!"
"No way," I said. I am not touching that journal again!"
"Come on, just once more. You have got to see what happens!" Erica pleaded with me.
Finally, I reached over and got the journal. I have to admit that I was curious myself to see if it would happen again. ...I know you're trying to tell me something, God, but this is scaring me, I thought. Please help me understand what You are trying to say!
I opened my journal one last time, and immediately read aloud to Erica and Kaylee the first thing I came to: Your focus has got to remain on Kaylee. I cannot move forward because of the doubt that you have in your heart. ....I could see, by the date, that I had written this more than two years earlier. I obviously felt, on that particular day, that God had spoken those words to my heart. (but I didn't really remember it). I had also put a question mark beside it (which was how I would indicate if I thought that God might have just spoken something to me, but I wasn't completely sure) Yet in my kitchen that night, there were no doubts. We all knew that God was speaking loud and clear!
I began to grasp what God was saying to me. The first three times I had flipped through my journal, He was reminding me of what He had spoken to me, in the beginning, concerning Kaylee's healing. He was assuring me that He HAD spoken and that I HAD indeed heard these things from Him! .....Obviously, the last time I opened my journal, He was letting me know that my doubts were now hindering Him from being able to move forward with this healing.
In that moment, as the mighty presence of God became so real, my faith was suddenly renewed!
"I think we are suppose to pray for Kaylee now," I said. I think God is ready to heal her."
Erica jumped up with excitement. "I'm ready!" she said, "Do you have any olive oil? I think we need olive oil!"
Erica and I had never done anything like this before, but I told her where she could find the oil, and we decided to just "wing it." She anointed Kaylee's head with the oil and stood above her with her hands on Kaylee's head. I reached over and put my right arm on Kaylee.
"Do you want to pray?" Erica asked me.
"I can't pray right now," I said. (I still had that weird feeling going on and it was hard to focus.)
So Erica started praying, and as she did, I began to feel as though something was pulling through my right arm. I honestly don't remember much about this prayer, but I remember feeling pain run throughout my arm the entire time. I even remember thinking, for a brief moment: is this disease coming out of Kaylee and into my arm? Of course this was not the case, but that is honestly what it felt like. ....When Erica finished praying, she exclaimed: "Oh my goodness, I felt heat running through my arms right as I started to pray!" We both knew that something had just happened!
Erica sat back down, and we looked over at Kaylee and saw that she looked completely terrified and unsure about what had just happened.
"Did you feel anything when we prayed?" I asked her.
"Maybe a little tingling in my stomach," she said, "but not really."
"Do you believe that God can heal you?" Erica asked her.
"I don't know," Kaylee said. (She had clearly not been in a good state of mind on this night.)
"It's okay, Kaylee," I said. "It's okay to feel what you're feeling. Just tell God what you feel. Say to Him: 'I believe. Help my unbelief.'"
She sat there another minute, and I am not sure what was going through her mind, but she couldn't bring herself to say anything.
Finally, Erica persuaded her, "Come on Kaylee, Tell God how you are feeling."
At last, the words came out, "I believe. Help my unbelief."
We sat there a while longer in amazement, talking about what had just happened, and of course we were wondering if Kaylee had just been healed. Then suddenly I remembered about Rachel's dream.
"Kaylee was suppose to be healed on my birthday," I said to Erica. "Remember the dream I told you about?"
"What's the date today?" Erica asked.
"It's the 18th of January," I said. "My birthday is the 18th of August."
"Well, she must have just gotten it confused. I know something happened just now." she said.
I found this explanation to be very odd because Rachel had clearly said that she was at a birthday party when Kaylee was healed. Yet, it was interesting that it was the 18th day of the month. I felt the same way as Erica did. Something had most definitely just happened! I had felt it in my arm! I felt God's presence all over the place!
For the remainder of that night, many things happened within my house. Much of this I am going to ponder in my heart and not share in this blog (some things I may mention later). The presence of God was quite unbelievable. In fact, the best way I know to describe it is that I felt as though God swept through my house on this night! I felt like he came down and was there with us! I did not see Him. I did not hear Him (audibly). Yet His presence remained so strong throughout this entire night, that I even got up at one point late that night and turned on the lights in the house. It is frightening to encounter the presence of God in such a way! I had never felt that before. I have not felt it since.
I know that this is deep and hard to comprehend on a human level, but I felt like God was healing my entire home that night. I felt like He was coming against everything that had come against us! As I continued to feel afraid by His mighty presence, I suddenly felt these words come to my mind: Do not be afraid. I am the First and the Last. I am the Beginning and the End. I am the Alpha and Omega.
As I felt these words, I understood, on a deeper level, exactly what He was saying to me in that moment. God was letting me know that He was the One who started it all, and that He would be the One to finish it! I did not have to be afraid of all the things that had come against our family anymore. He would have the final say in our lives! He was also letting me know that, while He is the First and the Last and Sovereign over all things, many of the things that take place "in the middle" are evil, things that He hates, things that He is angry over ... wicked schemes of the enemy! Although He had allowed these things and He had a greater plan to take what the enemy intended for evil and use it for good, He was angry over everything that had come against our family! I also felt that He was letting me know that HE was now taking it all over!
That last thing that I remember about this incredible night was glancing down at my Bible, right before I fell asleep. My Bible had been turned to Isaiah 58 throughout most of this night, but I glanced over a page and saw these final words that I knew God was speaking directly to me in that moment:
"Your sun will never set again, and your moon will wain no more; the LORD will be your everlasting light, and your days of sorrow will end." Isaiah 60:20
....I fell asleep enveloped in peace.
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